iPod Touch

“IPod Touch? I'd tap that”

~ Some random on the iPod Touch

"Thanks for buying our product! Now, fuck you."

The Ipod touch.... i mean the iPod Touch (also known as iTouch your mother, iPad mini, Touch, and Wanna-be-a-damn-iPhone.... or even The-iPhone-for-poor-people.... or EVEN the convenient little motherfucker sold by Apple Your Mum Somebody and released in 2007), is a touch-screen device sold by Orange Inc.. It was released in September 2007 by Steve Jobs, an oldass queer with a penis the size of a finger nail. It copied the ideas of the iPhone and was sold so that poor people could pretend that they have an iPhone (since the iPod Touch looks fairly similar to the iPod Touch Fone, which was released in JUNE 2007.

Background

When the Ipod touch was presented by Steve (Blow) Jobs in 2007, it was a magical thing. It was a new way of checking email, a new way of listening to music, a new way of sucking dick, a new way of playing games. It was a touch screen device that people really had orgasms over. It was just insane. And now, it's even better. Cuz now it's faster and it has more memory. And now, it has external speakers so that poor people who can't afford one damn pair of earphones will be able to listen to their music wherever they go. In 2008, Blow Jobs released a 32GB model to the iTouch line, and that made people go crazy. Hella crazy. Just crazy. So ya.

History

"But what about the MP3 player?" you ask. They are pretty much the same product.

In 1969, Steve Blow Jobs was just a 25-year-old who wanted to create something that was truly magical. In 1969, he almost released the "Apple iSucker" that would pleasure Steve Jobs in many ways, styles, and exercises. When Jobs was almost 31, he made the "Apple Mac Touch" which was a small 4x4" device that had 9 buttons and could fit in your pocket. With it, you could play 3 different games, battery failure, hardware failure and restore to factory settings. But he wanted a TOUCH-SCREEN for something with the word "Touch" in it. So in 1995, Steve Jobs created the iNternet, which was a laptop computer that could check email and go on the Internet. He started to build on these ideas, and in 2002, the creation began. He started adding parts, functions, functions and parts and, In 2005, he had created it, he then spent 26 months surfing the internet until the product was finally released to the pubic.... I mean .. public.. for $399.

Feechers

Earphones with an external microphone and controller are compatible with the 2nd generation iPod Touch, and are shipped with the 3rd generation iPod Touch (32GB and 64GB only).

The iPod Touch has many features, which make it such an impressive little motherfucker. As you know (unless you're a retard), the iPhone is a smartphone, meaning that it has many features.

• One of them is the Maps application, which allows you to find out where your penis is located. It can also be used to stalk your crush. It can even be used to find out where you took your first shit.
• The Calculator application can figure out how long your grandfather's penis is or how much time you spent in your mother's bed last night. Why, it can even be used to count down the days until you lose your virginity! So cool!
• The App Store allows you to buy fake shit.. such as fake lighters (see "Zippo Lighter"), fake beer (see "iBeer"), fake shit in general (see "Sims 3"). Research from Apple shows that in 2008, over 97.5% of applications were useless and retarded. In 2009, over 99.9% of applications were uselss and retarded.
• The iPod lets you masturbate to individuals such as Chris Brown, Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber, P!nk, and so on. Wow, you would never think that a tiny little touch screen device could get you sexually excited! Not ONLY can it do that, though the iPhone 3GS can even tell you what song is playing! Just push the button, and your woman will talk! So cool! (And then you can bang her tomorrow night.)
• The Calendar application can help you schedule when you have anal sex with people of your same gender, anal sex with people of your same race, anal sex with people of different ages, etc. It really becomes a convenient little motherfucker.
• The Notes application allows you to write down how long Barack Obama's penis is on any given day. For example, when he has an erection over the Stimulus Package, you can simply type "almost 7 inches on September 6th, 2009". Then, at a regular length, you can type "almost 2 centimeters on April 15th, 2011". You can even email these measurements to your family. This application is hella sick!
• THE FOLLOWING APPLICATION IS NOT ON THE IPOD TOUCH, SO DON'T BE RETARDED. (But you can pretend to have this feature on your iTouch.) The Phone application, which is what the iPhone was based on, allows you to make prank calls to organizations such as your local police department, vice president Joe Biden, your 2nd grade teacher, your ex's new date, etc. You can send calls through the 3G network, obviously.
• What the fuck is an iPod Touchy-Touch Touch without the Clock application??!! This gives you a stopwatch to figure out how long you were sucking your mom's dick last week. It also as a timer, so that your mom can set how long you are allowed to bang her tonight. It also has a Word Cock, which can..... yea. O yea and there's an Alarm too. The Alarm is cool. It's pretty cool.
• Stocks allow you to check the current stocks in this shittyass economy. Cool.
• Weather allows you find out how cold it is outside (or how COLD it is in your girlfriend's bedroom.....)
• The iTouch has Safari, which allows you to go online and fuck around with other people's accounts to social networking sites and emails. You can even become a pedophile, with just a couple touches on the screen!
• Porn.

Consumers

57% of people that are so fuckin lucky enough to own an iTouch are between the ages of 0 and 6. 42% of owners are between 102 and 115. The last 1% are teenagers without lives who wanna spend their time playing with retarded App Store games as opposed to getting a fucking life (hanging with friends, going to movies, etc.) The market for the iPod touch is bound to increase as time progresses. Just give it time. It has one hell of an ass, which makes it a popular hit for trillions of people, particularly Mexicans, Africans, and Afghanees. In addition to the one million iTouch units sold another twenty billion iTouches have been bought by Steve Jobs so that he claim that they sell many when in actual fact Microsoft dominates them all

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Price

Look familiar? Just add an extra $250.

So you should get one. Buy it for $200. Well actually it's $199 but I need to get a condom and pack of cigarettes for next weekend, so please throw in an extra.... $8 please? Yes. $8. Buy the iTouch for $207. If you don't, I'm gonna come kill you.

Goals for the fucher

For the fucher, the iPod Touch is bound to get better. In 2007, 9% of Americans thought the iPod Touch was gay. In 2008, this proportion went down to 6.8%. In 2009, this proportion went down to 6.1%. Currently, the iPod Touch is found gay by 5.5% of Americans. Steve Blow Jobs says that by 2012, no more than 1% of Americans will find the Ipod touch gay. But why?

Better technology

• A 0.1 megapixel camera will be added to the iPod Touch, so that you are allowed to take mediocre photos of your mother's dick.
• The processor for later iPod Touches is bound to get better, meaning that pages will load faster and that will give you more time to masturbate over such an amazing little thing.

i think the batterie in the future should last 7 times longer so if and when ur on a long trip in the car or flying your batterie wont go out so quickly on you. i also think that the enternet should load up much faster and the camra should take much cleara pictures.

More promise

If you were smart enough, you read the intro to this article, which claims that the iTouch is also known as the iTouch-your-mother. Newer versions of the iTouch are more successful at doing this, beacuse the material used to create and maintain it are higher quality. The iTouch will erect any man's....or woman's...penis. It is fucking amazing. Orgasmically amazing. Literally.I also think the other promises should be that the enternet will load up 3 times faster and the batterie will last 7 times longer so you can use it much longer.