HowTo:Write on paper

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

Writing on paper is quite an easy feat. However, some people are incapable of such a simple task. These people are stupid. I, however, am not stupid. I am quite adept at writing on paper. However, I am willing to wager that you are not as you did search for "How to write on paper" and were redirected here. This means you are stupid. Perhaps you are even an idiot.

Picking something to write about[edit]

Stephen King drooling himself over his newest novel, I'm sure. That or he is thinking of me, Jon. He wants to be me.

Before actually trying to write anything, it is important to know what you are going to write about. Well, not really. Stephen King has no fucking idea what he is going to write about prior to actually doing so. Have you read anything by him? No? Well, it does not matter in the least. Let me just tell you his writing process.

Haha! I'm Stephen King! I am going to write a book about a guy riding in a car till he reaches his destination. Aw crap! I already reached the destination - AND I'M ONLY ON PAGE TWELVE! This will never sell as a novel... I KNOW! I'll turn it into him walking for a really long time! Fuck yeah! I'm so cool! Wait, that's boring... I KNOW! I'll throw in 99 other guys who will all end up being killed on the walk! And gratuitous sex scenes! I'll have him thinking about fucking his girlfriend then grabbing some other girl's ass half the book! And they will all be teen-agers! The only thing teens think about is sex! God, my writing is magical!

This is quite similar to my writing process, except I am cool. Stephen King could never score like me. This is why I am such a talented writer. My name is Jon. I'm so fucking cool. I write about myself quite often. You shouldn't write about yourself, though. You're pretty fucking lame.

Picking which language to write in[edit]

He is in thinking mode. Look at him contemplating what to write next. His genius will forever grace the world in Esperanto.

You'll probably choose English because you're a fucktard. I prefer to write in Esperanto. William Shatner is so cool. Captain Kirk over Captain Picard any day, son.

But yeah, picking the language to write in is important. It allows you select your target audience. My target audience tends to lean toward Stephen Hawking aficionados . You should try to appease the J.D. Salinger fans when you write. They are all a bunch whiny emo bitches who don't appreciate your attitude toward their potato situation. However, my books are preferred by the Stephanie Myer fans. They will buy anything if it has a pale, possibly anemic, protagonist who wears glitter. You like this sort of character, too. So buy my book. Did I mention I'm amazing?

If you still have been unable to think of anything to write about, it means that you are incapable of a single intelligent thought. Watch Anderson Cooper. I do. His silver mane entices me to write about him. His wit is only matched by my own. I bet write up a sultry poem or two. I can as well. And I have. Ask your mom. We took a trip to the Grand Canyon. Even in that hot, desolate gorge, I managed to get her wet. Sadly, she became dehydrated and now only serves as another experience for me to catalog in my never-ending, always exciting memoirs.

Now, how to actually write on paper[edit]

Well, you should have an actual idea of what you wish to write. Good for you. I have several. I'm quite prolific. But it is okay if you still do not have an idea. Start writing anyway.

Do you have the supplies? No? Just go get a piece of fucking paper and a pencil you nitwit! All right good. You have it. You are still a nitwit. But I am Jon, the coolest, greatest, and Anderson Cooper - or the greatest news anchor ever. Perhaps you have heard of him. He will report the news stories even without a camera in front of him. He is his own writer. I write songs about Anderson in my spare time. He probably would love the songs if he ever heard them. And William Shatner. Together, the three of us make the Trifecta of Awesome. I am sure that they would want me, Jon, as a member of their elite group.

Okay, now you need to first take the pencil. Put it between your index and middle finger, the tip pointing outward. The side with the eraser should gently caress the top of your thumb. Put the tip of the pencil to the paper. Press down on the paper. Now, move the pencil in the shape of a letter. Good.

Too bad you didn't sharpen the pencil[edit]

Great job. How could you not have sharpened it? You are an idiot, unlike myself. You will find that I am infallible. Now, go and sharpen it. Good. It's all nice and sharp.

Now I want you to shove that pencil up your asshole. Now!