HowTo:Whoop some ass

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“Why have a can when you can have a crate?”

~ Black Jesus on The Art of Ass Whooping

“A can in the morning makes my day”

~ Oscar Wilde on Opening a can of WhoopAss

“The WhoopAss is a gentle art of violence”

~ Zen Master KaPow on Lecturing to street bums on the art of Whooping

“I once whooped a guys Ass”

~ Bill Gates on Holywood Squares

This is your everyday guide on HowTo: Whoop some ass.

Note: On this guide you may also learn HowTo "Open a can of Whoopass", "Become an Asswhooping machine", "Whoop-de-doop an ass" and "Get beat up".

This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
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Because Asswhooping involves violence it is strongly recommended to test your Whooping skills on subjects that you feel are easly Whooped at first.

DO NOT attempt to Asswhoop an experienced and certified Asswhooper on your first try, you may get hurt.


Every certified Asswhooper wears his Asswhooping badge proudly on his forehead to warn and/or help non-expirienced Whoopers.


Whooping some ass or Asswhooping, consits of two or more sides (usually it is two sides as a third-party usually makes the Asswhooping uneven and ruins the fun).

In the traditions of the past Asswhoopers it is common to start the Whooping with a Vocal warm-up.


It is very important to be creative in the warm-up. The more creative you are the challenge will be greater.

A good warm-up always involves everyday words like "Mama" or "Girlfriend" or "Fat" with Curses or NSN words (NSN - Not So Nice). Do not exagurate with your warm-up. Sometimes you may confuse your Whooping subject and ruin the warm-up.

Example: "Your Mama is so Fat that last night when I Fucked her up the Ass, she ate both my pillows and my blanket." ---Creative but a bit long.

2nd example: "Your Girlfriend is Fat." ---Short but very flat.

Use your imagination and vocabulary.

After the vocal warm-up the physical warm-up begins. This warm-up is built in order to test the limits of your subject. The warm-up usually contains Shoving and/or Pushing.

Note: The physical warm-up is usually a short one as today's whoopers have a short fuse and their limits are broken easly, just like their fat mamas armchairs. LOOOSERS!!!

Now begins the real Asswhooping.

Asswhooping methods[edit]

When the Whooping itself begins it is vital to remain in the lead or you will become the Whoopee instead of the Whooper.

Try and move a lot and don't allow your subject to rule over you. A good idea is to practice at home on still objects and improve your abilities. See what your best at: Kicking, Punching, Headbanging, Running, Nipple twisting, ass kicking, or jaw punching.

If you stumble into a position where you are being whooped try and get on your feet (if you fell) and avoid any contact with your whooper for some time until you feel you are ready to whoop some ass.

The Wedgie - is a method where you try and give your subject a wedgie in order to confuse and make him/her temporarily vulnerable.

The following wedgies are "Kosher" in battle:

  • Atomic wedgie - when the subject is lifted up from the power of the wedgie.
  • Frontal-nipple wedgie - a wedgie given from the front side and up to nipple-height.
  • Backside wedgie - a wedgie given from the backside.
  • "The Face-lift" - a wedgie from either side to face-height.
  • "The Ripper" - a wedgie that rips one's underwear.
  • "The Bee-Gee" Aka "Window Breaker" - a wedgie that forces the subject to make a high-tone pitched sound.
  • Double sided wedgie aka Bilateral Wedgie - a wedgie given from both front and back side.
  • Arm-pit wedgie - a double-sided wedgie to armpit-hieght.
  • "The Boxer Snapper" - a wedgie that rips boxers.
  • "The Bleeder" - A wedgie that rips the skin open.
  • "The Snatch" - A wedgie where their underwear ends up being 100% removed from their body.
  • "The Over The Header" - A wedgie where their underwear gets pulled over their head.
  • "The Up The Ass Crack" - A wedgie where the underwear gets pulled so hard that a section of it goes up the whoopee's ass crack.
  • Four story atomic wedgie - exactly what it sounds like.

Try and pull the underwear up not down.

feel free to add more wedgies you ever encounterd in battle.

The way out[edit]

You may not always win in a Whooping match, so it is important to learn how to get out before you get hurt. Some like the well-known doggy way out called "Play Dead". Depending on your opponent you may or may-not get out of the whooping.

Another method is the "What's that???" method. This method requires great timing and acting ability to confuse your opponent while making a run-for-it.

The most used method is the "Kick where it hurts", but this is a strict violation of the NAWFOW (National AssWhooping Foundation Of Whoopers) and may cause you a ban from this wonderful foundation.

Freestyle Whooping[edit]

It is common to create freestlye variations in your whooping. Adding a smart remark here and there can lighten the mood of the outside observers and maybe even annoy your oponent. This might also discourage any Third-party whoopers from joining and ruining the balance of the Whoop.

In case you win remember that smack-talking afterwards is always welcome but you must respect your whoopee.

Then again he/she did get whooped so go ahead and taunt them to death!!!.


The use of weapons is only after a spoken agreement of both parties is reached.

Prepackaged cans[edit]

Commonly heard is the phrase "opening a can of whoop-ass". This is not, in fact, just an expression, as these cans are for sale in most countries. Yes, you can buy whole cans of whoop-ass.

Historically, 12oz cans of whoop-ass have been commonplace for self defense, however controversy has caused some jurisdictions to limit the amount that can be carried on your person to 8oz. They are generally unrestricted where permitted, but cans that are adapted to be used as a recreational narcotic usually require licensing to sell and possess along with proof of each customer's lack of ability to masturbate for entertainment. Usually, there is no limit to the amount you can keep at home, however, 55 gallon drums are subject to international regulation.

Whoop-ass cans are available at most hardware stores, as well as places that specialize in self-defense (contrary to popular belief, most vendors of sodas do not sell cans of whoop-ass due to their nature being completely different than that of cans of soda). Larger capacity cans allow for more whoop-ass power, more ability to whoop multiple units of ass, as well as longer range, however they become heavier and more of pain in the ass to carry. One must assess the benefits and drawbacks of the size they carry depending on the intended use, to make sure they can whoop as much ass as will be reasonably expected in their expected usage, while minimizing pain caused to one's own ass from lugging it around. Certain jurisdictions place limits on how much whoop-ass one can carry on one's person. However, these restrictions can usually be avoided through carrying multiple, separate cans.

Police use of whoop-ass cans varies. Once upon a time in the United States, 24oz cans of highly pressurized whoop-ass used to be all that police actually needed to enforce law or law enforce. Since then, whoop-ass technology for police use had to step it up a notch. Po-po commonly carry specially weaponized whoop-ass, using a small case of whoop-ass to expel a metal projectile down a fluted metal tube at high velocity.

Larger containers (2 liters to gallon containers) are more suited to home defense, and can blend in with the other billions of bottles you likely have in your fridge. They are readily accessible should a burglar break into your house or you come home in the middle of the day to find your spouse cheating. Some containers, due to the lack of need for range inside homes, will be designed to spread the ass-whooping in order to maximize it, which comes at the cost of range. Popular for facilities such as office buildings and schools, exceptionally large cans of weaponized whoop-ass will be disguised as fire hydrants to enforce discipline or repel attackers (you don't really think they're worried about a fire, are you?).

Many have wondered as to what exactly is inside of a whoop-ass can. Cans of whoop-ass, as an industry standard, include the following:

  • 5% Liquidated skill
  • 10% Concentrated awesomeness
  • 30% Sugar
  • 40% Caffeine
  • 16% Defiance of mathematical postulates
  • 25% Lay's potato chip bags

These cans can be relatively expensive, 8oz cans designed to meet legal requirements can get up to $240 in price these days. Recommended only for those who cannot produce enough natural whoop-ass of their own or those with an exceptional need for releasing exceptionally large amounts of it in a short period of time.

Note from Mr. Blood[edit]

Being a professional Whooper isn't about whooping a lot of people's asses... it's about commitment, leadership, honesty and most importantly about ammending wrong-doings.

Anyone who uses Whooping as revenge is due to be whooped one-day.