HowTo:Throw a Fireball

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Your objective:The elusive fireball.

There are several situations where throwing a fireball can prove extremely useful. For example, consider a situation where a bully demands your lunch money, you have no lunch money, and there are no melee weapons (such as a lead pipe, daikatana, or even a baby) within reach. In this situation, summoning a fireball and hurling it at your foe could prove highly useful. Thus, we recommend you print out this guide, and the next time you find yourself facing such a situation, take it out and read it.

1. Appraise the situation[edit]

The first step in throwing a fireball is deciding whether to throw a fireball at all. Quickly ask yourself the following questions:

  1. Is throwing a fireball really necessary? If there is a significant chance that you can defeat your opponent in a fair fight, then melting his flesh off could be considered unsportsmanlike. You might not get asked out on many dates after that. Fireballs are the schoolyard brawl equivalent of kicking an opponent in his nether region - a last resort only.
  2. Am I already holding a weapon? The best way to answer this question is to glance down at your hands. Do you see a weapon? If so, the probability that you are already holding a weapon is very high. Because fireball-throwing requires two free hands, it may actually be easier to simply attack with the weapon than to drop it and throw a fireball.
  3. Are there barrels of flammable liquid nearby? Look around. Sometimes, barrels of flammable liquid that you've never noticed before will seem to appear out of nowhere when there are fireballs to be thrown. Fireballs should be a precise and efficient way to defeat your opponent. The last thing you want to do is level three city blocks. It is highly recommended that someone practice throwing fireballs in a well contained area such as on a racquetball court and at your mother in law's car first.

Commit these three questions to memory. It may be useful to remember the acronym NWA, the name of the ground-breaking '80s rap group:

Need to throw a fireball - do I?
Weapon - am I holding one?
A barrel of flammable liquid - do I see one?

If the answers to these questions are yes, no, and no, respectively, then it appears that throwing a fireball is the best course of action. Proceed to step 2.

2. Assume the position[edit]

Positioning the hands correctly cannot be stressed enough when throwing fireballs.

Proper technique is critical to fireball-throwing. Place your palms together in front of you, as though you were about to dive into a pool of Jell-O. Then, spread your fingers apart from one another as you press the heels of your hands together. Squat down as you would in preparation to do some lunges. Slowly bring your palms toward your chest, as though you were spring-loading a crossbow. Remember to contort your face into a look of ferocious intensity; it is nearly impossible to successfully hurl a fireball while sporting a goofy grin.

3. Focus your Chi[edit]

Turn your Chi inward. Align all your chakrums toward your Center Self, with a channel toward your palms. Draw energy from the fabric of the universe around you until it convalesces into a tight, burning sphere between your palms.

Of course, all this can take years of practice, so if you actually are reading this guide while your opponent stares you down, you're probably screwed. We apologize; we should have thought of that. Now would be a good time to challenge that your opponent is to much of a coward to wait 7-9 years before fighting. We recommend "Cool people settle things in give or take a decade!"

On the off-chance that your opponent gives you a rain check lasting several years, there are some exercises you can perform to strengthen your ability to focus your Chi. Meditate early and often, preferably on top of a very high mountain. Visit ancient shrines. Also, next time you find yourself urinating, interrupt your urine stream before you are finished. Then pee a little more. Then stop. A little more. Stop. Now shake. Harder, HARDER! Not that hard, this isn't a wank-fest, perv... Just keep meditating This exercise should put you directly on the path to total enlightenment.

Be careful, if you feel that you have to take a dump, DO NOT attempt to throw a fireball. Long pieces of poo can cause dangerous chemical reactions with the fireball. An alternative to this is to break a block and consume a fire flower. Upon doing this your clothes will change into red and white overalls and you will have the urge to say "It'sa me, (insert stereotypical name here)!"

4. Shout[edit]

An adolescent demonstrating why "Snowcone!" is not a good fireball shout.

It is important to shout a word or phrase just nanoseconds before releasing your fireball; without this step, the fireball will not coalesce into its proper shape, consistency, flavor, and color. Popular shouts include "Fireball!", "Ahh-Kee!", "Sonic BOOOM!", and, of course, the perennial favorite: "HaDOUken!" This can also work to strengthen normal attacks, just look at Captain Falcone.

Do not make your shout too long. The phrase "Tatsu Maki Sen Pu Kyaku" is considered borderline, and is better suited for some kind of flying spinning kick. A phrase such as "Tokyo tokkyo kyoka-kyoku kyou kyuukyo kyoka kyakka" is even worse; the chances of pronouncing that correctly are just not in your favor.

Under no circumstances should your shout consist of a lengthy dedication, such as "This fireball is courtesy of Wesley. That's right, remember Wesley? The guy you gave a wedgie to last week! Well, now you're gonna pay! So how do you like these apples?" Such a poor shout will often cause you to lose complete control of your fireball. You could singe your eyebrows, or your leg hair, or your moustache... basically, any hair on your body could be a candidate for singeing.

5. Hurl the fireball[edit]

Twist back into a forward-facing position, straighten your elbows, and shove your hands forward, sending the fireball flying toward its target. If you have successfully followed these steps, then, congratulations! You have just incinerated your would-be assailant. Consider sending a single rose to his mother.

If not, then, sorry, kid. You're about to get your fucking ass kicked. Bullies are not generally intimidated by failed fireballs: to them, it looks like you're doing some live action roleplaying - a capital crime in the eyes of a bully. At this point, your best bet may be to curl up into a ball and yell to anyone who will listen that you suffer from congenitally brittle bones.

6. Celebrate[edit]

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Assuming that you have now achieved total victory, it is traditional to do a very short celebratory dance. Turn to face no one in particular. If you are a man, squat down into a sitting stance, pump your fist in the air, and yell something like "All right!" or "Yeah!" If you are a woman, either jump up and down in the air twice and giggle, hold your fingers out in a "peace" sign and giggle, or thrust your breasts forward and giggle.

The short celebratory dance is not technically integral to fireball-throwing, but some martial artists believe that it increases the probability of success in future battles.