HowTo:State Your Opinion

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So you, like many others before you, wish to learn the ancient art of stating your opinion? Tough shit. I'm not your damn teacher. Oh wait, I am? Well, damn. Am I being paid? Geez, could I at least have some of that cookie? I haven't had chocolate in ages...

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Ingredients: one opinion[edit]

Artist's rendition of what an opinion looks like. I personally think it's bollocks, but you may be dumb enough to buy it.

Ok, fine. If an idiot in black robes tells me to teach[1], evidently I have to. I'm not happy about it, though, so you better wipe that smirk off your face. Asshole. Anyway, the first step of stating your opinion is actually having an opinion in the first place. Do you have an opinion? If not, you're screwed. I may have to teach you, but I damn well don't have to give you an opinion. Try watching the news. Come back when you learn what the fuck is going on in the world.

Now firmly grasp your opinion...[edit]

Congratulations, you're part of the lucky 99.9% percent of humans that has an opinion. Had you only been one of the .1%... *sigh*. Well, whatever, next step. Do you know what your opinion's about, and is it important? Sure, you may have an opinion, but nobody really cares what you think about your neighbor's badly trimmed bushes or whether or not he has curtains over his bathroom window. Wait, it's a she? Is... is she hot? I've been in the pen for so long with nothing to do but sh...what? Sorry, lost in memory. So did you figure out your opinion? Really? I guess you're quite as stupid as I thought. Next step!

...and throw it at the nearest city[edit]

Location, location, location. Who needs it? Instead, find a map (you do know what those are, right?), look for a city nearby, and plant your fat ass down in it. See the things walking around, primarily on two legs? That's your audience. If you know them, then you can get them to listen, so I'd recommend some hard-core observing. The main things you need to learn are how to attract their attention, how to keep their attention, and how to avoid being arrested. These three points can differ very greatly between regions, but I can outline a few general pointers for you.

1. Attention-whoring for dummies[edit]

OK, so, if you can't get anybody to pay attention to you then there's no point in stating your opinion in the first place, right? No, don't argue with me stupid, just nod your head and smile. On second thought, don't smile. Anyway, there is one surefire way of getting the attention of anybody within 50 feet of you. Nudity. For women just a missing top will do, but for men it's much harder, as both the shirt and pants must be missing. A good rule of thumb is: the less clothing, the better. Just warn me so that I can stay away.

2. Entertaining the masses[edit]

Once you have the attention of your audience, you have to be able to keep it focused on you. Standing on top of a soapbox naked will only hold their attention for so long before they start screaming and trying to kill you! So, how do you solve this conundrum? Get a hostage! Nobody's going to touch you if you have a gun pointed to a 5-year-old's head! Sadly, you won't be able to hold onto somebody any older than that and hold the gun at the same time due to your scrawny arms, so pick wisely. It's pretty sad, actually. Go join a gym or something.

3. Avoiding the slammer[edit]

This is by far the easiest step of the process. All you have to do is ignore everything I say. Easy, right? It'll work even better if you fuck off and leave me alone, because then you won't even be able to hear me! It's a win-win!

Stating your worthless opinion[edit]

So, you are now in possession of both an opinion and the knowledge of how to present it. It's about time, you stupid slacker. So, now all you have left to learn is how to actually state your opinion. Surprisingly, this is the easiest part of the entire course. Simply set up like I told you to before and yell your opinion at the top of your lungs. Even better, if you can somehow get your hostage to hold still you could use a megaphone to say whatever you want to[2]. Once you're done, release the hostage, step down, and walk away[3]. However, do not, repeat, do not bring the hostage with you. This will inevitably end up with a jail sentence, and then once you're released you'll be forced to mentor a bunch of stupid shits on how to do what you did[4].

You're done! Get lost![edit]

Congratulations! You've now successfully stated your opinion! Now you can go home, uncork a bottle of champagne, and wait for the cops to arrive celebrate your magnificent achievement! Even better, I now only have two more idiots to teach until I'm officially free again! I wish I could say it was a pleasure teaching you, but my mother taught me not to talk to criminals. Have fun in jail! Party!

  1. This is subtlety. I'm being subtle here. If you don't get the subtlety, it's because you're an idiot.
  2. until the cops arrive
  3. in handcuffs
  4. or was is it why they shouldn't do what I did?