HowTo:Start a Riot

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A typical angry mob.
A slightly more agitated mob.
A Bat-Fucking-Insane mob.

Saturday night. What's there to do? Maybe play a game of scrabble with grandma? No, grandma is asleep. Or maybe she's dead. How about you go and hang out with your friends? Oh, that's right, you don't have any. What about That Guy you used to hang out with? You know, the one who used to live across the street? Oh, that's right, he killed himself because he was friends with you. How about you spend a few hours playing your Playstation 3? Ah, but you're far too poor to afford one of those. Maybe you should tape three Playstation 1s together? Would that make you feel better? Life kind of sucks, doesn't it? You have a lot of rage pent up inside of you. And if all of those hours spent watching Dr. Phil have tought you one thing, it's that keeping your anger built up inside of you isn't healthy. You need a way to release this anger in a productive and creative manner, and flicking rubber bands at your cat and smashing bottles over your head only go but so far. You need something big, something bold. You need to start a riot.

Step One: Justification[edit]

Let's face it: if you start a big enough riot, it'll probably be all over the news. And you know some Barbara Walters-esque media bimbo is going to be all over it like Your Mom on a donut (especially the ones with jelly filling). And you know she is going to drag you into some dimly lit room with two cameras, a couple of chairs, a table and maybe a lamp to ask you some "deep and introspective" questions to try and "uncover the emotional pain" of some dumbass who decided to start a riot. So what are you going to say? that you did it just "because you were bored"? That you had "pent up rage you needed to so desperately release"? Fuck no! Are you fucking retarded?! Sure, that may be the truth, but who the hell wants to tell the truth, especially when a lie sounds so much better? Besides, you don't want to sound like a pussy! You want to give a real, hardcore reason for staring this riot. Some proven motives include:


If you are Of any race that has faced prejudice ever, this can be your reason. Even If you aren't one of those.. "select few" don't worry, just use big words for your race, like if you are white use the word Caucasian instead. While the media might not buy it, stupid people will and join your cause.


A little bit harder than race for a reason. Try joining some obscure religion that is constantly repressed, then lead your parade of fellow participants to the capital and have one of your friends start throwing rocks at the people from the top of the capital building stairs, then have another friend fire a rifle that shoots blanks at the capitol. This will get your riot to a healthy level of rage.


If you're having trouble starting a riot (maybe the weather is bad, or you have a hangover) maybe you should try staging a peace protest (or better yet, an immigration parade). Bring everyone you know, so you have at least 200 people. Then wait. The police should arrive very soon to violently beat the living crap out of you. Start throwing rocks at them and you've got yourself a riot. Be careful though, if it's the LAPD you're in for more than you bargained for. I suggest you run, before you get pwned hardcore. Fo shure.

See Also[edit]