HowTo:Sound like you know stuff
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“But sequence comparisons simply can't account for the development of complex biochemical systems any more than Darwin's comparison of simple and complex eyes told him how vision worked.”
Have you always wondered how awesome it would be to be an expert? To impress your friends with your encyclopaedic knowledge without spending your life on useless books? Or are you simply bored, and skimming through random Uncyclopedia pages for a cheap laugh? Then seek no further! The secret to expertism is about to be unveiled! It will only take 10 minutes of your precious time.
Pretending you have a degree in any given subject
Pretending you have a degree in a given subject is not as hard as it sounds. But you can't just blurt it out! You must try to slip it in without your interlocutors being fully aware, and it should be followed by a statement that would attract anyone's attention. This will unconsciously make them trust you beyond reason. Example:
"Well, being a Law graduate, I can safely say those are some of the nicest titties [sic] I've ever seen"
In this case, the listener will immediately associate your knowledge with a nice pair of breasts (or 'balls' if female).
Another way is to not be too clear about it, and constantly allude to the possibility of you having some sort of degree, as follows:
"I attended at least twice as many statistics courses as you have", which implies that either 1 - You have a degree in statistics or 2 - There's a 90% chance that you're a complete asshole.
As Fugge Pacherson once said, if a statement is not well referenced, it's validity is very much in question. Stuff sounds true if someone who seems more important than anyone else said it. This works even better if you say you're quoting from a text in particular, with a very intelligent title like "The Essence of Intelligentism", "History of Intelligent People" or "Intelligent Design" and such. Mainly something to do about intelligence. The listener will not question you about your references, fearing ridicule. If they do ask you about the source, be ready to make sneery and confident remarks on their lack of knowledge.
Making up words and using bogus Latin
The easiest task is congrumating words. Be creative, make your new improved words sound scientific. No silly and obviously made up words like boggeryom, guttywobblecodder or platypus, but sensible, short and sly sincressions. Try with words that end in -ism, -ance, -exity or fancy french terminations; examples include contristism, stranderance, forexity and pissatour. The listener will be confused, and, still fearing remarks on their lack of vocabulary, will not dare to interrupt. Hindether possible, use latin. You can insert latin expressions ad potatum, to your own liking, but don't over do it! A meticruous listener will be able to unveil your fraudiness, and report you to the proper authorities.
Distracting body language and similar stuff
When your in the midst of fabricating complete bullshit, it's good to distract your audience with wild body language, or other means. This way, all that you say will fix into people's unconscious, as they won't have the time or sufficient concentration level to think it through. If you have the right equipment, try with confusing diagrams with lots of arrows and incomprehensible symbols; maybe even some flashy random videos in the background.
Discretiting your enemies
If still no one takes you seriously, there are many techniques that you can use to discredit your opponents. The main idea is to make them look stupid/completely nuts.
Make comments on their appearance and their mothers
Surely someone dressed like that is a lying JACKAL SCUMBAG ASS!! Offense is the best form of defense, and if it works with basketball, it can surely work with anything else. Be yourself, be creative, be a complete and utter asshole.
- Effective at short to medium range
- Use sparingly
Mess their words up
Quote your enemies wisely; take their words out of their original context, omit certain information, then sow the whole thing back together. And there you have it, your own beautiful "collage de la defamation". Here's an example, an original Jesus quote:
“And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."
And here it is revisited:
"And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. [...]C[...]ock."
How could the Bible contain something so blasphemous? I'll leave it for you to figure out.
- Effective at medium to long range
- Use at will
Argumentum ad Hitlerium
When your trying to discredit someone, and all else fails, try to find a connection between them and any of the major 20th century dictators. You can base this on many things about them.
1. Their name, easy if it sounds like any of the following:
- Chairman Mao
2. Their political affiliation
- left wing = Communist,
- right wing = Nazi,
- moderate/centre = Communist/Nazi at will
3. Their moustache
- Hitler mustache (i.e. toothbrush)
- Stalin mustache (i.e. hairbrush)
- Mao Tze Tung mustache (i.e. no mustache)
4. Their country of origin (ideal if Germany, Italy, Russia or China)
If there is no clear connection, try using your opponent's name in the same sentence as the words 'mass murder', 'Auschwitz, 'Bill O'Reilly' and other words that evoke negative feelings; suddenly your wacky ideas won't sound as bad as they actually are.
You now possess some pretty powerful tools, and with great power comes great responsibility! So I will have to ask you to AVOID the following:
- Convincing a whole nation to conquer Poland in 1939 (the "insane body language" technique is pretty effective)
- Convincing schools to teach Creation in science classes
- Make substantial edits on Conservapedia
Now get out there and do some serious shit!