HowTo:Solve a problem with cannons

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General P.U Bic was quite disappointed by the lack of responce to his solution.

“My famous picture was taken by a Canon!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde Quotes

“The addition of a few grams of gunpowder, a circular shaped ball of metal and a combustion chamber with a barrel seems to make my life a lot easier.”

~ General Kalasnikov on cannons

“There is no problem that cannot be solved with cannons”

~ Generals in general on cannons

Imagine yourself walking across the street, relaxed and generally in a good mood. When suddenly a problem presents itself. while there may be many different ways to tackle a problem such as this, I find the most effective one involves one or more cannons.

Be advised that this is something completely different than solving a problem with canons, which involves photography or sing-songs.

Problems Defined[edit]

A problem is simply the difference between what you have and what you want. For instance, my ex-wife wants more money from me, and I don't have that money. Thus a problem is created in the world. It may be a matter of getting something, of getting rid of something, or getting a bigger something, like a bigger cannon.

Problems arise not when the two forces are battling, but when there is an imbalance between them in the environment. Like when your neighbor's dog laying a big turd on your lawn, It's not like I even have a dog: Clearly he imbalances the situation.

Starting To Believe In Yourself[edit]

Roar! Confidence is everything!

This is quite a hard step, as it requires confidence.

Let's see what other problems we might encounter. I can imagine that if you shit your pants every time you see a dog, might be a bit problematic if your goal is to stop a dog shitting on your lawn. Fear of dogs is common in mailmen and Cats and can be overcome by most sane minds. But this being uncyclopedia: If it just doesn't work out for you, see a shrink. Ah, we're getting ready for the next step right?


There is still: fear of guns, gunpowder, metal balls or more generally: The World.

So, see a shrink if you fear any or all of these.

There, as you are still reading this it means you either weren't afraid of dogs, or underwent some serious therapy. Well, don't stand there waiting, let's get on to the next step!

Shift Your Focus[edit]

The next step is to "shift your focus". I always say "there are no problems, only opportunities". So what is the first thing you think of when your neighbours dog shits in your lawn?

That's right! Where did I put my cannon?

This is a great opportunity to polish those rustic ball skills... no, not alone in your room... I meant with your cannon, you pervert! Think about it in this way, you have a problem and the solution at hand. So, grab your sodium chlorate, charcoal and sulphur and let's get cooking! At this point you might think; Why not talk to my neighbor and ask him kindly to keep his dog off my lawn. This however, is a beginner mistake. Because this is exactly what he will expect you will do, and then he'll be waiting for you.

With his own cannon.

So Keep mixing those key ingredients, and let me worry about the strategy. Now that you've created your gunpowder, I can focus on the next step. I used to tell my children that they "shouldn't focus on the problem, focus on how to obliterate your ehhmm... problem". This is not the same as solving the problem by removing the shit from your lawn, because this only invites the dog to shit there again, and it's frickin' disgusting too!

In other words: "Focus on how to obliterate the opponent problem.

Think of what you really want to achieve[edit]

The goal is to remove the dog from your lawn, right? But why not remove the dog from the world of the living altogether? But now consider if with one simple "bang" we could not only remove the shitty dog, but also the neighbor himself too, and his wife and those annoying kids he has, you know, the ones who like to run around your house, making excess noise.

We will keep our options open when deciding what we really want to achieve.

How Can You Accomplish Your Goal[edit]

Think about how you can accomplish your goal. When you think of possible solutions you force your mind and subconsciousness to find opportunities that will help you achieve the desired results. (Like blasting the dog with a direct shot of lead, loading the dog into the cannon, loading all the dogs in the street in the cannon, shooting the dogs owner, or shooting the owner of the company that supplies the dogs favorite meal, or launching a 100 kg cannonball right through the damn corporate finance company manager that made the decision to indirectly fund those four legged monsters in the first place)

You sir, Are Screwed!

Different views of the situation[edit]

Here we take different views of the situation. Having looked at the scene from your own view, we might look at it from different perspectives such as these views:

  • opportunist
  • entrepreneur
  • dreamer
  • optimist
  • strategist
  • architect
Seconds before impact...

The opportunist might find a way to make some money out of it, while the entrepreneur might invest a lot and build a laser. The dreamer will hope the cannon will somehow shoot every dog, the child may see this as cruel. The strategist will see the best place and time to pull the trigger and the architect will calculate every possible outcome.

but the view I like most, is mine!

So, I will summarise my conclusion from my scientific results. First we capture that annoying cat from the other neighbors. Then we will stuff the cat with some lead, knock on the door, run behind a tree. And hopefully this will be followed by blasting the cat in question through the offending door, into the dog. All this will be done with our 15 ton cannon. hopefully now we will have blasted that damn dog into oblivion.

Where he belongs.

The Act[edit]

Bye Bye fido

Making A Habit Out Of It[edit]

I conclude that for me this is the thirty-third time I've shot a cannon filled with a cat in the general direction of a dog, (I've been forced to move to another neighborhood after each shot...) but if this is your first time, try to remember all that I've taught you.

Solving Other problems with Cannons[edit]

The Gluckenheimer, which was recently moved to my front yard.

With the exception of unruly dogs we must also consider other problems that can be solved with cannons. The most obvious ones are:

  • How can we destroy that castle wall ?
  • What can we do with a lot of lead, a mold, a cast and some wood ?
  • How would my neighbor react to a 14th century Gluckenstreinheimer in my yard?
  • What do we get when we combine a Can with a Non?

Less obvious or, more advanced ones, just require you to shoot the ones creating the problem:

  • The police coming to your door asking questions about the unfortunate demise of your last neighbors.
  • That mathematician babbling on about some big science problem.
  • Your Roommate playing Final Fantasy 13 for the 1000th time.