HowTo:Read Hieroglyphics

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Learning Hieroglyphics is music to Egyptian ears.

It is a basic skill required in Ancient Egypt to be able to read Hieroglyphics. After reading this article, you will be able to:

  • Understand Hieroglyphics
  • Pronouce Hieroglyphics
  • Write Hieroglyphics
  • Appear on the History Channel talking about Ancient Egyptian guns
  • Not have to become a Taxi driver

It was called the 'priestly' language as no one else had all day to write draw pretty pictures on a temple wall. When the Christians banned all the ancient pagan religions, knowledge of hieroglypics was lost completely. For later generations it looked like either gibberish or the gateway into some powerful magic. Many believed the latter. As the ancient [[Rolling Stones|Book of the Dead] said: err...we can't read it.

Understanding Hieroglyphics[edit]

The written Egyptian language is very obvious; it is based on pictures, much like Chinese. In order to read any basic text you are given, simply guess the meaning of each glyph. Here are some guidelines you shall follow, unless you are sentenced to death by drinking the Nile:

  1. Given any glyph, under all circumstances (regardless of whether Cthulu has assassinated the pharoah), its meaning shall be the closest object or action that it resembles.

If a glyph is no object, action or color, then its meaning is either potato or iPod if it is close enough to a rectangle. Or just make something up if its not a test.

Try the following exercise below (do not look at the answers beforehand):

Pronouncing Hieroglyphics[edit]

An Egyptian cook book with recipes. A lot of vulture curry and frog surprise in the dishes available.

It is easier to pronounce Egyptian hieroglyphics than any other language. Originally, the glyphs were designed for international needs, so most glyphs can be constructed by letters or certain punctuation symbols of the English language.

To read the glyphs out loud like any other Egyptian:

  1. Have two strips of 5-Gum before you are required to speak
  2. Add to the pleasurable experience by lubricating your throat
  3. Jumble the letters which make up the glyph
  4. Remove all vowels
  5. Add the vowel 'e' between the remaining consanants when required
  6. Say the final English word using Grade One pronunciation skills.

When the glyph is constructed by punctuation, e.g. an underscore (_), then you may be confused when jumbling the letters which make up the glyph (Step 2). All you have to do is add the letters: u, n, d, e, r, s, c, o, r and e to the set of jumbled letters. Then continue the process after from Step 2. Reward yourself:

If you are fat, then read HowTo:Lose Weight
If you are not, then resist from having footwear for breakfast. Put it to a better use (e.g. throwing).

When you are ready, try this test below:

Writing Hieroglyphics[edit]

Draw simple pictures. Lots of birds are a favourite. Use a cartouche to make your message special to the person you are sending it to. Don't confuse using the symbol for an owl with that of a horned viper. You will get a mighty slap!

See Also[edit]