HowTo:Pronounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
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Greetings infidel dogs and welcome to today's lesson. As we know that our beloved leader's popularity is ever growing in the west, and people worship him like the pimp that he is, we wish to contribute to your efforts to adore this great man by leading you, step by step, in how to pronounce this great man's eloquent yet complex name. Are you ready? Let us begin.
Understanding
The first part of this lesson is understanding. Understand that although the great man is by far superior than all of you pig eaters, he has a human need of love. The president (Allah bless his nukes) has a craving to be loved. ...And the first step of loving someone is to call him by his name.
Anger
When the great man sits in his library in the nice cool afternoons in Tehran (roughly 45 degrees centigrade in the shade. And there IS NO FRICKIN' SHADE) sipping his apple juice (he does NOT impure himself with alcohol you pitiful excuses of human beings!) it saddens him greatly to see great men such as George W. Bush, Tony Blair and even Sir Severian mispronounce him. In the great man's eyes, to mispronounce is to mislove (bad spelling intended).
“And in other news, Machmoood....Macmoooch....Macmoool Achamadina...jar jar...”
“Today president insert name here 'cause I can't pronounce it”
“What's so hard about it? Achmadoo... mach... inedo.....AARG!”
Love, Exciting and New
Why should we love this man you ask, oh sinful ones? Silly question. I mean, look at this face - how can you not love him?!
Let's do it!
We know that you westerners cannot shape your foul mouths around many of the noble sounds that eastern languages adore. Therefore, we will lead you through this path of pain slowly but surely. There is no light in the end of this tunnel. Only the Iranian president.
First Name
Step 1: MA
Think of how you used to call your pitiful mom when you were young. MA! MA! I need to eat my daily dosage of bacon-pig! YACH! You disgust me.
Step 2: H
Forget this. This is not H. This is Chhhhh, like you use to call a camel when you want it to sit down. What? Never rode a camel? Well, that is entirely your problem. I'll see you on judgement day.
Step 3: MOUD
Just think the process you go through when someone pisses you off. Like the one I'm going through now when I think about how you don't love the president enough! Get it?! YOU HAVE A MOOD! SO SAY IT OUT LOUD FOR ALLAH'S SAKE!
Last Name
Step 1: Ah
Once again, this is not the ahhh you worshipers of Shaitan know, but rather the sound one emits whilst releasing the first two buttons of his Galabiya after a fine meal of Cuscus. What? You don't know what's a galabiya? You never ate Cuscus? HA! All I can say to this is that your doom is certain, my friend. No, you are not really my friend.
Step 2: MADI
This is quite simple, take my current state of mind. I'm MAD! MAD AS HELL! I'm so MAD that I got stuck with this duty, trying to explain the obvious to some foul-smelling-pig-eating-blasphemous-westerners! MAD!!! And don't forget to add an I at the end.
Step 3: NEJAD
I have no smart remark here, bastards of false prophets. Just read it as it is and may Allah smite you.
Putting This Crap Together
And now, only the last phase remains, you must connect all the dots and let this great man have his joy:
Repeat after me:
MA(your mom) H (call your camel) MOUD(very bad that is) AH(Galabiya and Cuscus) MADI (MAD! +i) NEJAD (insert snappy remark here).
And now finally:
MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD
There you have it! You see the end of the tunnel? You see this smiling face blocking the light? There is our president smiling and waving. Just smile and wave president, smile and wave!
Toolbox
Want to make your own Mahmoud Ahmadinejad piece and don't know how and you do not wish to shame your ancestors by mispronouncing? Have no fear, you can use this file here and paste it in your own article.
By using this file the user submits that he is in fact an infidel dog, a no good bastard and that he is too lazy to try harder
Conclusion
We hereby conclude our lesson. Henceforth all mispronouncers of the name MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD shall be executed. The rest of you can cower in your nuclear shelters. Not that it's going to do you any good. But at least you'll know how to mutter his name in your final hour:
Further Reading
Having trouble with pronoucing some painful syllables? Why not look at HowTo:Learn Hebrew. Granted, it's not Persian, but it is as silly.
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This article was mentioned in The Chicago Tribune, further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here |
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