HowTo:Masturbate furiously with knives

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos

While perfectly acceptable for the more respectable of the gentry to be content with being their own best friend in a straightforward, fashionable manner, the more forward thinking of you may find this simply isn't enough to brush up on your typing skills without any manner of bravura or spectacle. The addition of knives to the age old routine of personal snake charming may not be obvious at first, but with this guide, the practise of Satanic Knife Crowning will be second nature to the pastry frosting enthusiast.

Method 1[edit]



Safety is paramount. Do not substitute apparatus without first consulting your doctor.

Fig. 1

For this experimentmethod you will need -

  • One 25pc knife set (consistent length required)
  • One glass of milk (350cl)
  • One copy of Pride and Prejudice (Paperback)
  • Five candles (tea lights)
  • One 50cm ruler (accurate to +/- 0.5mm)
  • One jar of red food colouring
  • One penis

Setting up[edit]

In order to ensure that Satan is well pleased, the care taken in the setup is paramount.

  • You will arrange the candles in a pentagon, with spacings of 35cm. Then place two knives between each candle, making sure they do not overlap, so as to create the circle. Then place the inner knives so as to complete the Sigil of Baphomet. (as per Fig. 1)

Once complete, a short prayer is required to acknowledge Satan. This prayer cannot be included in this guide due to copyright; examples can be found at

  • The copy of Pride and Prejudice should then be placed in the centre of the pentagram, this is to recognise Jane Austin's true faith to the self, and her involvement in the creation of the Church as we know it today. The book should be closed and the cover readable from a flat edge of the pentagram.
  • Take the nearest candle to you, and move the flame to the bottom right hand corner of the novel, so as to ignite it. Repeat the prayer as the book is burning.

If you are under 25, make sure an adult is present when handling knives

  • Once the prayer is said, extinguish the flames using the food colouring. If the food colouring is not sufficient, you may carefully use some of your milk to finish putting out the fire. It is at this point you may drink all of, or the remainder of, your milk.

Adopting the position[edit]

Now that the ritual elements are complete, you are now in a position to begin preparing for your session.

  • Starting from the nearest candle and to the left, pick up an outer knife. Stab this partway through the book. Continue all the way around the outer edge of the circle.

Whenever handling fire, do so outside, or on a heatproof mat

  • Turn the book over, and hold in the left hand, so as not to disturb the positions of the applied knives.
  • Starting from the nearest candle and to the right, pick up an inner knife, and stab into the barren side of the book. Repeat for all inner knives.
  • Take all the knives en each of your hands so that the book is suspended by the metal.
  • Place the book in the middle of the five candles, the spine facing downwards.

The execution[edit]


Take great care not to eviscerate your hand at this point; you will need it later

  • Remove your trousers and shorts.
  • With knives protruding from each side in each hand, prise the book open. This is why you only stabbed partway.
  • Place your penis inside the book.
  • Close the book with the knives.
  • Oscillate the book along the length of your shaft until special moment is achieved.


Look! No hands!
Complete the position without cutting your palms
High Maintenance Relationship
Destroy your penis
Time Trial
Adopt the position in under 5 minutes from start
Bloink1 solid.png
This Piss is being Reviewed.
This article is incomplete, but help is on the way. Please don't put it up for VFD or QVFD or slap any other maintenance templates on it until the bear cavalry comes. Help this page by leaving comments for its author on its talk page or on the article's entry in Pee Review.