HowTo:Live as a smurf

“In Soviet Russia, Smurf lives like YOU!!!”

~ Russian reversal on living like a Smurf

So you have tired with life in the urban ratrace and while day dreaming during a meeting, decided to try your hand at Living Like A Smurf. Well you've come to the right place.

Getting Started

Firstly, if you have no idea what a Smurf is, it is advisable you first watch at least one episode. Believe me, you don't want to go through with smurfing up your life without at least a little knowledge of the species and their mannerisms.

Now if you're fond of your house, car, family and toaster etc. you should prepare yourself for living in a communist paradise. This means selling your house, car, family and toaster to the capitalist pigs at your local pawnbroker and using the proceeds to fund your smurfy lifestyle. That includes your TV, as a Smurf you will get up to far more interesting adventures than the twats on Eastenders and you don't want to be distracted.

There is only one Smurf girl in all of the Smurf realm, to take over this job you must kill the person holding a job, which is Ryan Secrest. Or if you are a girl you must grow a penis. Those are the only two options.

Talking Like A smurf

Talking like a smurf is the most important part of being a smurf. To talk like a smurf, all you need to do is replace verbs with the word 'SMURF', and replace any name with Smurf or Smurfette according to the gender of that person.

EXAMPLES

"I had sexual intercourse with Mary."

is now

"I had Smurfual interSmurf with Smurfette."

Securing A Living Area

A perfect location for your Smurf house would be:

• Away from people
• Packed with a variety of friendly woodland critters
• Be near to water
• Be close to the house of an evil (yet stupid) wizard.

The only real place that satisfies all four criteria is the Forbidden Forest of Hogwarts, Scotland. But due to the growing popularity of this article, prices in the area have skyrocketed therefore you may have to find your own magical patch of woodland elsewhere so try browsing your local estate agent.

Looking The Part

Tip

Get down to your local Oxfam for some serious bargains on tight, white trousers. You might even meet Razorlight stocking up for their latest tour!

Before building work can begin on your Smurf house, you should change your image. (Even if you aren't planning on building a Smurf house, you should still seriously consider changing your image, that shirt looks disgusting on you) No self respecting Smurf building materials stockist is going to take anyone dressed as a human remotely seriously.

Clothing

If you are male then only three items of clothing are necessary: white trousers, white shoes and your choice of hat. Your hat should reflect your personality, for example if you are an educated Smurf, a graduation hat would suffice. If you are a nymphomaniac Smurf, we suggest a hat resembling a penis. You get the idea.

Females require only a white dress, white hat, a blonde wig, and white shoes.

Skin

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It is a sad truth, but racism exists in Smurf society as much as it does in human society. The dominant and superior race has skin that is blue, however purple and black smurfs do still exist despite the ethnic cleansing campaign organised by Papa Smurf in 1976. Because of this, it is important that you ditch your pathetic natural skin tone in favour of a far more sophisticated Smurfy blue. Most humans who decide to live as a Smurf use liberal amounts of paint to achieve the ideal colour, some even sport a full-body colour tattoo.

Please note: There is no such thing as a pill that will turn your skin blue. The bastards that market this product seem to think that just because you want to be a Smurf, you have the IQ of a small rodent. The pill they sell is actually viagra and can cause extreme embaressment and pain, especially if you are wearing your tight white trousers at the time.

WAIT

There is too a way to dye your skin blue, idiot. I saw it, I did it! D: Don't effin liee to meeeeee.~ My skin was blue just yesterday! And I used body glitter! So don't lie to me about not being able to dye your skin blue. You never know who is reading these things.