HowTo:Kill a Berserker
“ Its easy as one plus one. Well, for me anyways”
“Don't ever underestimate the power of the Berserker. I knew a guy who did, but he got killed.”
So let's say you are walking through a meadow with a lot of flowers and pretty butterflies when all of a sudden a Berserker pops out. Unless you do something, you're pretty much dead. However, this article will teach you how to deal with these creatures of death.
What's a Berserker
For anal bead people who don't know what the hell a Berserker is, it is a blood thirsty species that belong to the Locust Horde. They are the female counter parts of Drones, but are a lot larger than them. They are powerful being and can kill you with one attack. However, there is one disadvantage they have: they are blind. In order for them to hunt, they must rely on hearing and smelling, making them more dangerous than a creature that can see. The only theory as regards a Berserker's behavior is because like all other creature of the Locust Horde, they spend most of their time underground. However, scientists can't prove this theory because they are too dangerous to study in both in the wild of in captivity. In order to mate, Drones must buy a Berserker breakfast.
What Not To Do
You can't kill the Berserker with standard weapons (Pistols, shot guns, rocket launchers, grenades, Steve Ballmer, etc.) This will only make them angry and they will kill you faster. Animals like lions, tigers and bears (OH MY!) won't do shit to these creatures. Even grues, Oprah, Democrats, and Velociraptors won't stand a chance against Berserkers. Some articles say die, but this should be heavily disregarded as you don't want to be killed by them, because its very horrifying and EXTREMELY painful.
What to Do
The best weapon against Berserkers is the Hammer of Dawn, a weapon that shoots a laser from space via satellite that can be activated by a handheld device (ain't technology cool?). This will kill them in two hits and they are also temporarily vulnerable to standard weapons because their armor is weakened while being shot at by the laser. Playing a Barney song will make them fall asleep, giving you an opportunity to escape. Using a animal like T-Rex, Spinosaurus, or Godzilla is also useful, as long as they won't kill you first. Also Lasers will work because the power of the laser is stronger than the Berserkers armor. avoid not wearing pants because they will fiind you and rape you. the locust are highly atracted to the smell of butt hole.the best thing to do is to jerk off a berseker the more you do the less powerfull it becomes. once it becomes weak you want to rip off one of the horns and stab him with it beacuse their horns contain goat shit which can kill them. One of the best tactics used on Berserkers is to summon Kratos so long as you have enough money and/or the Berserker doesn't kill you first because if you do summon Kratos the Berserker will die in 0.1 seconds.I'm Kidding BITCH, thou cannot summoneth Kratos. Kratos himself will summon you and the bitch berserker to make you slaves.
Always avoid shooting at a baby Berserker. They will cry and there mother will come and break your bones. Do not get Russians involved, as they will nuke the place to kill the Berserker. Avoid using cheese to bait Berserkers as they love cheese and as soon as you open the container, they will eat it and kill you. Avoid standing still, keep moving because the will find you sooner or later. Avoid making loud noises, stupid. AND ALWAYS AVOID EXTREME SARCASM!!!! As this will cause the Berserker to explode and destroy a nearby planet.