HowTo:Keep the French out of your country

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“Well, I started small and got 'em out of my kitchen, then I just kinda kept working my way up after that...”

~ Bob Vila on ridding his country of the French


~ Sir Mildred Pierce

“Spread the cheese on nice and thick... that's the ticket.”

~ Unrelated Quotes Guy on getting rid of the French

“In Soviet Russia, French get rid of YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal

In the good old days keeping a Frenchman out of your country was as easy as just killing him: it was easy, cheap and effective, and everyone hated them. Nowadays, everyone still hates them, but killing an unwanted Frenchman is frowned upon by modern society, so more humane ways of eliminating the French have been instituted.

Planning and preparation can be your best defense when setting up a plan to keep the French away from your country. If you have ever had a baby, then you should be somewhat familiar with the strategy involved with "French Proofing" your country. Here are some deterents to the French that can help you drive them away if they sneak into your country.

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  • Offer them some deodorant.
  • Speak German, all French women do.
  • Advise them of the law of daily showers.
  • Implement smoking bans.
  • Offer them some work.
  • Invite any friends from southern Louisiana to hang around with the French invader.
  • Southern cooking.
  • Action movies.
  • send pieces of a dead frog to their residence with a ransom note.

These sure fire methods of driving off the French will almost always work; however, there are those stubborn Frogs who can be a little more difficult to deal with. If that is the case more extreme measures must be taken to rid your country of the French.

Getting Those Stubborn Frenchies Out.[edit]

Let's face it, who knows more about kicking the shit out of the French than the Germans. Should your primary line of defense fail and the French start running around your country, your first course of action should be to find the closest German embassy and apprise them of the situation. The Germans will be more than happy to help you rid yourself of those pesky Frenchies. Just make sure you turn a blind eye to the German dealings with the Frenchmen, and don't worry about the French women: they don't like the French either.

If the Germans can't help or are unavailable more drastic measures must be taken. First, eliminate all coffee shops within a 10 mile radius of the French presence and replace them with Orange Julius shops. Second, ban all imports of French wines and champagnes and only offer selections of wine from Arizona, Louisiana and Maine. And thirdly and most importantly, play German techno music on every radio station, and put nothing but Arnold Schwarzenegger movies on TV and in the theaters until the threat ends.