HowTo:Break and Enter
|
HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos |
During the past two thousand years, breaking and entering became one of the most popular activities ever. You may, of course, ask yourself: why do you need to break and enter? The answer is simple: you don't, but then there is no reason for you to write music or dance either. Because breaking and entering is an art, an art equivalent to the art of cinematography or music. Or even superior, as some people even make films about breaking and entering, while real breakers and enterers never imitate the movies.
This is not a guide that will tell you how to break and enter your enemy's house or even yours[1], this is the guide that will tell you how to do it as exquisitely as possible.
Historical perspective
Breaking and entering has become an art since the Roman Empire. However, as many other types of art, it died during the Middle Ages, but only to resurrect several hundred years later and become even more beautiful.
Outcomes of breaking and entering
Breaking and entering is a non-profitable activity, except for the case where you ask your friend to film all your moves and then sell the video. Otherwise, especially when an artist breaks into another person's house, he acts as a gentleman and does not steal anything unless the owner begs him to.
Some owners actually complain about their missing clothes, after someone broke in their house. But it is not a theft, on the contrary, the artist has expressed his respect for the owner and made sure he would actually notice the results of his artwork.
And, yes, sometimes breaking and entering can be useful. For instance, when you really need to enter your house but don't want to take the key out of your backpack. Now, it's time to learn!
Movements
Every art has its special movements, so you have to learn them first.
Stalking
Stalking to the house artistically is obviously better than just walking there. But stalking should really be artistic. In order to best achieve this, you might as well learn how to dance.
If you don't want to dance but still want to stalk, you can place a narrow wooden board at the edge of the roof of any house and try to walk on it without falling over. Important: Before the training, please, leave this guide to someone who is willing to study this subject. Just in case.
Now, if you have trained enough and did not fail, you can imitate the moves you made but on the ground. This will, first, look very elegant and, second, attract public (which is what you need, as an artist). The audience may think that you are not very normal, but you just have to ignore them and keep on moving.
Climbing
If you have reached your destination, you can begin the act of breaking and entering. However, before doing it, you ought to impress the audience even more, so they will understand how lucky they are to be there. Climbing to the last storey of the building is a good idea, even if there is an open window right above the door.
And, if you are too lazy or too scared to learn how to rock-climb, you still can:
- Make a helicopter drop you high in the mountains. You will be able to climb rocks perfectly, if you come back.
- Get lost in a forest full of wild beasts.
- Finally, if nothing works, you can still develop a habit of entering your own house by the window and not by the door,[2] even though the educational process will be slower this way.
Breaking
Now, you've reached the door, or the window. No, what are you doing? Don't take out this pickaxe! Are you going to spoil everything you've done so far? Are you saying that this is a normal way to break in someone's house? Well, first of all, it is not normal at all to break and enter someone's house. This is art and it is only reserved for the most talented humans. So, you still have to learn. Throw away all the tools you brought here with you. You are going to be artistic.
Now, you are going to hit the wall. No, not the door, not the knob. Is it original? Hit the wall and try to break it. It is still standing? Then you've got to train!
Find a nice hard rock and begin hitting it. Only a few months later your hits will grow steadier and more powerful at the only expense of your fists. But what have you expected? Real art requires some suffering!
When you feel ready, begin breaking the walls. You can't? Well, that happens sometimes. But don't despair! You can always move to the village and start breaking wooden houses!
Entering
Now, this is the finale. To enter the house well, imagine that immediately after you cross the doorstep, you will get arrested (which is not that false, by the way. Have you thought about your rivals? They will always try to prepare a trap for you. That's why this business art is often dangerous.[3].
So, try to create this impression on your face, which would look like a mix between the terrible grief, the loss of all hope and the pride of being stronger than everyone who has not endured everything you have. Have you done it? Now you can go in. Don't forget to take off your cylinder, as a real gentleman would do. What? Don't tell me you haven't brought it!
Some material you might need
You are not some kind of a vulgar burglar, are you? That's why you don't need any tools to break and enter a house. On the contrary, there is some material that will guarantee a better impression on your public which is your real goal.
Mask and gloves: If you are modest and don't want others to recognize you, you can wear a mask and gloves. A beautiful and original mask won't cause any harm. Gloves can also be used, if you fear to spoil the cleanliness of the house you are entering.
Telescope: Before choosing your target house, make sure that the person who lives there is not and old lady who might have a heart attack, if she sees a person with the mask entering her house. You can use a telescope to make sure your choice is wise.
Notepad and pen: Statistics have proved that the career of an average breaker ends a way earlier than the career of any other artist. So don't waste your time and try to break and enter as many different locations as you can. In order not to enter the same house twice, you have to always note the address and the name of your target. Also, this might do you a good job if others don't believe you are an artist. Then, using all your notes, you can find your previous clients.
Process
Now, combine all this! Stalk, climb, break and enter! Or change the order. For example, you can climb, break, enter and stalk. Or enter, climb, stalk and break. But in this case, it would be more of a vandalism and murder, rather than breaking and entering.
By the way, don't forget to salute the owner of the house and leave a handkerchief (or drop a pin, etc.) at the doorstep. The owner will be more than glad to have some memories of your brilliant performance.[4]
Finally, never ever enter through:
- the ventilation system: it is not exquisite;
- a bathroom: it is not aesthetic;
- the owner's bedroom: you are here not to distress people, but to impress them.
Reference
 Featured Article (read another featured article)
|
Featured version: 16 September 2013 |
| This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. | |