HowTo:Be Scottish

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“Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were Irish...”

~ The World on The Scots

“No traces of human life were found North of Knockhill...”

~ 2007 UK Population Census on Scotland

In order to become something, you must first come to understand it. Before you might truly become a Scot, you must first comprehend the insurmountable rage that your average Scot feels in everyday life.

Imagine being Scottish and in some sun-drenched country, perhaps in a bar with your fellow Scottish men. After a fun frolicsome day, you would quite like to indulge in a few drinks and admire the shapely natives. After introducing yourself to said delights, you strike up some interesting conversation, using your comparative exoticness to your advantage. As the promise of activities of an adult nature become ever more likely, they ask where in England you are from. Fucking England, that's right, let the anger flow through you like the cholesterol will be in your veins when the day is over. You are becoming a Scot after all...

Speak Scottish[edit]

Examples of English words translated into Scottish
English Scottish
How are you? Gies yer wallet or a'll fuckin chib ye
Hello madam, would you do the pleasure of accompanying me to dinner tonight? Y'awryt babes, fancy a shag?
Hello there Whit the fuck ye lookin at?
England That shitey place doon south
Yes Aye
English Cunts
Uncyclopedia A mad hing on ae interweb
No Naw
Person Ned
Mindless Violence The Old Firm


A typical Scotsman

It is vital that you must weigh three times the weight of the average human being. This is partially in response to the local climate, and somewhat to do with Deep-fried Mars Bars. It is generally held that all Scots have ginger hair. Statistics have proven this to be utterly true. This is accounted to a popular soft drink to which Scotland is home, the miraculously delicious Irn Bru. Said statistics have also proven this drink to be the most orange thing in existence . With some reflection and analysis of the drinks sugar levels, it could be said that a Scot's weight may be another side effect. Ignore the fact that nobody will ever love you ever again, and immediately purchase a crate of the stuff.


It is of course imperative that at all times a kilt should be worn. Furthermore, this must be the only thing that hides your (probably inconsiderable) shame. Correct my friend, underwear and other substitutes must never be worn. The reasons for this are many and mysterious, but the origin of this tradition is certainly important.

Some Scottish people like to take advantage of their country's various hills and mountains by climbing them, such entertainment being held as a sport by the masochistic few. This group really is a minority, dating back from pre-Irn Bru days when a thin Scot was a sight less uncommon. The Scots, however, are a proud race. Such hardened beings see no need to carry such equipment as ropes or helmets when undergoing such dangerous things. In pairs of climbers or more, a cunning safety system is in place to prevent what would surely be a fall to the death...

  1. Upon losing grip, remain calm and try not to think about anything resembling a large, you-shaped pizza.
  2. Reach under your nearest fellow climber's kilt.
  3. Grab hold of the "rope" and cling for life.
  4. Apologize profusely to your fellow climber upon reaching safety, considering the pain you have caused him would probably have been negligible in comparison to the pain you would have felt upon falling.
  5. It may help to never talk to him again, given the awkward nature of the intimate (albeit painful) embrace you have shared. Try to blank from your memory that your hand has ever been in such a place. Instead think of kittens, lovely kittens.

Where to go[edit]

Have you ever actually been to Scotland? It certainly is an experience... Initially one may find great admiration for the beautiful landscape and scenery. Imposing hills, smoothly flowing streams, forests teeming with life. Then it rains. It rains and rains and sodding bloody rains. It rains in the morning, it rains in the night. It rains through summer and winter, only to be abated in the coldest months by onslaughts of snow and hail. And then it rains some more. In the slight intervals between downpours, one only finds solace in the local biting insects, dubbed midges.

It's a small wonder Scotland is not an uninhabited land, a destitute tribute to a civilization who has left for sunnier, happier times. This vital information tells us one thing. To be a Scot, you must be anywhere but Scotland. You must flee as far as your legs may carry you from this inhospitable and God forsaken place. One might find more comfortable lodgings elsewhere.

Despite this fact the true, pure-blood Scottish, have generally decided to stay in the country to avoid contact with the English. With their rather large exteriors (evolved from many servings of deep fried Mars Bars) have become acclimatized to this constant rain and often refer to it as T-shirt weather. Another theory is that they call it this because if they were to conform to the T-shirt weather temperatures elsewhere, their pale skin would disintegrate from the UV rays.


The common tongue in Scotland is English. It was necessary, however, to develop a secret language for plotting against the English during their occupation of Scotland during the middle ages. Therefore Gaelic was developed. A language so grand and deliciously pleasant on the ears, this language was exactly what the country needed to overthrow their oppressors. And so they did.

The language was so compelling in its nature, so romantic in its vividly conjured imagery, so incredibly intelligent in its phonetics, that it was immediately adopted as the country's national language. A great celebration was held in its honor and the world was greater for it. Then, people tried to actually learn it.

The whole thing never stood a chance, as it is illegible, and what is actually written down has little or no connection to the pronunciation. English was reinstated and the Gaelic language was reduced to mere myth. Just speak English, which reading this article you probably already do, and leave it at that.

See also[edit]