Hayfever
“ACHOO! ACHOO! ugh... fucking gra...ACHOO!!!!”
“Hayfever doesn't always result in a fever, Nor does it always involve hay. This is quite misleading!”
“In soviet Russia hay sneezes on YOU!!!”
“Ahh, those unevolved brains of hayfever sufferers”
Hayfever (also known as: pollenbitch, grass-snifferitus, spore-huffing or simply "ACHOO!") is a reaction to pollen or fungal spores mining for snot which is needed during the plant mating season. Each person with hay fever will show a slightly different pattern of symptoms, depending on the particular pollen or spores they react to.
The mechanism is largely the same in all sufferers, Firstly the spores or pollen enter through the nose in teams. After these units have entered the nose they begin to mine the inside of the nose for snot using a complicated and painful looking selection of tools. Pollen, having had to study a manditory 3 month nose safety course, will take much care in ensuring that the snot be extracted quickly and safely. However accidents happen... and when they do it usually results in a rupture in the nose wall causing an automated human anger response. This manifests itself in an ancient, tribal ritual known as Sneezing.
The plant mating season starts during the early months of winter when many plants begin to bloom. In these cold temperatures the snot that they require to build fruit with becomes solid and can be more easily mined by the pollen teams. Freshly mined snot is then used to encase delicate seeds in a protective layer. Sometimes these layers are painted to make them look better.
It has been noted that sometimes these snot cased seeds are eaten by humans. They believe that these are a tasty treat and will increase their health but it is well known that fruit is bad for you as it is made from snot and plant sex. Anyone caught eating fruit and claiming that it is good for them is to be shot or otherwise punished.
A medical overview of Hay Fever[edit]
Pollen is created during the many polls that take place inside of flowers after a mating season. These polls generally consist of ways of improving the next years mating, the colours for next seasons petals, the plant beauty awards etc...
Since plants have not yet made the jump to electronic polling they still stick to the tried and tested paper method. After counting the paper slips are shreaded to prevent any identity theft and it is from these shreds of poll paper that "poll"en arises.
Nobody is quite sure when or where the first shards of poll paper came to life but writing ancient temples point to Chuck Norris having, while practicing barnhouse kicks, dropped sweat beads into flower polling stations (Stamen) and thus the paper was granted all of the energy contained within this sweat.
Today pollen is the staple male workforce for many types of plants as its flat, light structure allows it to fly from plant to plant and eventually after training from plant to nose.
Once inside the nose the teams of highly trained pollen quickly drop to the floor and begin to wiggle. In approximately 78.578394% of humans this has no effect on their ritualistic sneeze sensors as they have much more highly evolved brains than hay fever sufferers and as such have replaced the ritualistic portion of their brains with centers focused on sex.
However, on the remaining 43.952% this causes a tickling sensation and slight irritation causing a ritual, and unstoppable, sneeze. The following sneeze blows much of the snot out which is then collected and taken back for processing. The pollen then repeat the process over and over and over and over and over and over and over..... well... you get the idea... This eventually results in the sufferer losing all control over the sneezing reflex and can in some extreme cases result in them sneezing their own brains out. See nasal ejaculation
(Ancient Egyptians used such a method to remove the brain from mummies during the later stages of the new kingdom.)
Cures for Hay Fever[edit]
Hay fever sufferers have thus far not been able to produce a viable cure for hay fever. Probably because whenever they come in contact with a specimen for study they begin to uncontrollably spew the contents of their head out. Nobody exept for hay fever sufferers care about hay fever and so no other research has been done into the topic.
However This guy (not to be confused with That guy who is infact a sufferer of hay fever) did manage to accidentally discover a drug that slowly liquidates the region of the brain that controls sneezing. This drug was, at first, a complete failure with hardly any sufferers opting to use it. However after some Market Research the drug was modified so that it could be taken Anally and overnight this guy became a millionare.
Hay Fever in modern society[edit]
In Modern times hay fever has taken on a totally new role. With more and more plants converting to electronic polling systems the average turnover of pollen is dropping. This is having the knock on effect that hayfever sufferers are no longer suffering quite as much. God has seen this and therefore has decreed that a new strain of hay fever be developed.
This new disease is brought to you by the same famous labs that got bored and made up invented such famous diseases as: Bird flu, swine flu, dog flu, sunflower flu and the common cold. These new diseases were discovered after vatican priests woke up from a SERIOUSLY mental party next to a chicken, a dog and a sunflower spent long hours working in genetic labs.
The new flu is to be dubbed Hay flu and is to be introduced into the general population in 2013 pending testing on study groups. Some features of the new flu are that it can only be attained through the huffing of infected subjects or through a six person orgy preformed ontop of hay. The fact that both of these situations are commonly seen in modern Britain scares doctors.
Large collections of random vaccines are being collected by collectors in the hope that injecting many different vaccines into yourself apon contracting hay flu will slow down its advance. Trials are being set up by randomly replacing common flu vaccines with hay flu vaccines for old people. This may kill some old people but since nobody really cares about them and their numbers are increasing rapidly it has been decided that this is the best solution.
Should you contract hay flu please adorn the correct clothing to show that you are a sufferer. This prevents the disease from spreading through accidental orgys or huffing as the clothing makes you highly visible and people will avoid contact with you.