Gwen Harwood
Gwen Harwood, better known as "Gay Whorewood" or "Ass Hardwood" to the literary community, is a dead poet. Her disturbingly militant feminist works are forcibly taught in many upper-age high school curriculum's, adequately keeping the average IQ range of graduating students below the triple digits.
History[edit]
There is no known record of the location of Harwood's birth, but most scholars speculate that she was born sometime during Jesus' reign of the Northern regions of Guatemala. She was conceived in a night of drunken, painful orgy's in which her mother had sex with the entire population of Lisborne, any member of which could be the father. Raised in a dirty, animal-filled shack, where she was forced to clean up from the age of three weeks, Harwood quickly adopted the role of all women of her time. Unbeknownst to her senile, unattractive mother, but Harwood began harbouring a deep resentment towards all men, a personality trait that more than ensured a one-way ticket to the fiery depths of Hell, condemned to eternal damnation.
When she was 26, her mother enrolled her in the Charlie Sheen School for People who Really Shouldn't Bother Trying to Learn (CSSPRSBTL). It was here that Harwood excelled in the areas of literature and science, proving herself a great intellectual mind. Unfortunately, she achieved substantially less in the mandatory classes of bed making and obeying your husband beyond physical limitation, and she failed. Doomed to a life of selling her body on the streets to unclean, smelly men, Harwood's life finally began to pick up.
It was at this time, somewhere in the middle of the 2nd century, that a young man by the name of Thelonius R. Teabinklestilteskin (Thelonius R. Teabinkelstilteskin for short) found Harwood laying in a pram in the foetal position in the middle of a public park. Thelonius R. Teabinkelstilteskin then took her home, cleaned her up, and chained her to the radiator in his basement. It was here, in the damp, dark, putrid confines of his flat, that Harwood's poetic personality came to life. Discovering a newfound sense of accomplishment, Harwood broke free of her constraints in a bout of superhuman strength, and beat Thelonius R. Teabinkelstilteskin to death with a nearby VHS copy of Ernest Saves Christmas, 1,546 years after her capture. By now, Thelonius R. Teabinkelstilteskin was obviously nothing more than a pile of bones, but the inspiration she gained from beating an inanimate object with another inanimate object further enhanced her poetic prowess.
Now at the age of 1, 597, Harwood was unable to gain any form of work, most likely because of her horribly disfigured body. Forced into reclusion, she continued writing poetry, which she continued to until she died at the ripe old age of 6 billion. She died following complications from an accident caused when she tried to plug her waffle iron into the local power plant's state-wide transformer.
Works[edit]
While her works have been seen as a changing point in the history of literature, her somewhat erratic life had caused her to write poems that scholars define as "Nonsensical, steaming piles of excrement". Because of this, her work is incredibly popular with high schools all through developed society. Her tales of women's sexual struggle do nothing less than alienate students from both intelligence, and the teacher brave (or insane) enough to teach them.
Her most famous poem, Kill the male bastards of the world with an icepick, is acclaimed as the paramount example of Harwood's work. This is somewhat hard to see, as the entire text does nothing more than supply budding feminists with a list of ways to kill men. While most people would appreciate an example of the poem, the contents are far too violent and disgusting to list in any public domain.
Interesting Facts[edit]
- Gwen Harwood was known as Al Gore for a brief period of her life, due to an unfortunate time-travel incident. Though she was sent back to her time and physical body, after the corporeal embodiment of Ronald McDonald invaded and stole Gore's body from her, she managed to retain some of her super-human powers that come naturally to politicians. This is what inspired her to write some of her bolder poetry under the guise of a male.
- Harwood was once apprenticed to Gold-Rubeberg, pianist extraordinaire. Unfortunately, Harwood was dismembered due to her constant use of Force in the act of pioneering. In a reckless act of revenge, Harwood attempted to implode the universe on her former mentor, acting on her primal, female emotions, not realizing that this would likely mean the end of a lot more than just the male that betrayed her. She succeeded.
- Reading the 7th letter of every word, even those with less than 7, reveals the message "Men are nothing but chauvinistic pigdogs bent on the oppression and eradication of all females, so rise up sisters, throw down your mops and begin random acts of illogical violence!". Gwen Harwood was charged for attempted subliminal messaging, but was released on the basis that it was really, really ineffective.
- Many of today's youth, namely drunken, illiterate members of American college frathouses, have begun to use the term " Gwen Harwooding" as a slang reference to accidentally having sex with another man. The term is taken because of Harwood's uncanny resemblance, especially in later life, to Ronald Reagan.
- Gwen Harwood was also the only witch to survive burning, drowning and staking at the hands of every minor nation in Eastern Europe, a record that still stands today.
The Cult of Harwood[edit]
The Cult of Harwood was a religious organization which promoted the opinions and ideas expressed through Harwood's works, despite their severely detrimental effects to society. The Cult of Harwood was formed in 1956 by a Ivana Toochurfani, a militant feminist lesbian who had a penchant for lumberjack shirts, tan hiking boots and cigars. Primarily, Toochurfani's severe obesity and tendency to swallow inanimate objects without warning scared off potential members. However, it was not long until she found like-minded, fat lesbians to join her cause. In a mere two years, the Cult of Harwood had expanded into an organized group of truly terrifying she-males.
Despite numbers, Toochurfani was unable to generate solid support for her policies. Whether this was because of her lack of education, or because of the fact that all of her policies entailed mass genocide on the basis of sexual vilification, is still debated. Frustrated by this, Toochurfani began looking into other, more sinister means of spreading her message. Inspired by rumours of Harwood's apparent mystical powers, Toochurfani and her "posse", as she frequently called it, began studying the dark arts. Their readings focused on the ability to manipulate energy and matter to form destructive explosions. In a matter of years, the cult had managed to train themselves in witchcraft. Ironically, their powers seemed to peak during the period in which "Aunt Irma" visited them, which for some reason was synchronised between all of them. (The idea that such man-like women would have functional ovaries is beyond explanation.)
The Cult of Harwood began to wreak havoc among the people, targeting strip joints, gentleman's clubs and, for some reason, gherkin farms. Their wave of genocide spread throughout the countryside, creating a lack of men everywhere. However, their attack seemed to be targeted only on the South-Western region of Wyoming, and the rest of the world took very little notice. Apart from a substantial drop in the sales of beer, porno and bacon in Wyoming, the cult's attempted world domination crated little disruption. Frustrated by a lack of attention, the cult packed up it's communal collection of strap-ons, khaki pants and softballs, and returned home.
The Cult of Harwood continued to exist in reclusion until 1978. It was in March of this year, that one of the members caused great anger by mentioning that she was not sure that she could reproduce without the intervention of a man. In a fit of anger, Toochurfani displayed one last demonstration of the cult's powers. She created an antimatter rift, which destroyed their entire headquarters, then located inside an abandoned Taco Bell. Nothing was ever found of Toochurfani or her cult. However, their spirit continues to live through the hearts of every feminist, every time they beat a man to death with in ice cube tray.