Gaius Baltar
“Am I a Cylon?!”
“I'm the flood that wiped out the humanity. Nobody blames the flood. Flood is a force of nature!”
“I'm not crazy!”
“Of course, he is crazy. Why do you think he looks like me?”
Dr. Gaius F. Baltar was a nerdy, sensitive, narcisistic scientist who never missed an opportunity to get laid, unknowingly got the humanity screwed when he gave full access of their defence mainframes to his hot girlfriend who turned out to be an advanced toaster model. He later became schizophrenic and developed a Messianic complex. Cries about six times an episode and is probably the most effeminate heterosexual man you'll see this side of Russell Brand but women still swoon over his macho stubble. It would be easier to count the number of women on the show, he hasn't slept with. Baltar is the smartest man in the universe as he'll remind anyone who'll listen but would rather spend his time sleeping around, smoking cigars and partying than actually applying his genius.
Early Life[edit]
He was born on Aerilon as a farmer boy. At the age of 10 he was sitting under an apple tree, when suddenly an apple fell on his head and changed his vocal cords, mouth and accent to talk a variety of Caprican dialect. The impact of that hit on his head was so grave, his whole brain got rewired, and finding the way of life of his people plain and insignificant; at the age of 18 moved to Caprica.
The Destruction of the 12 Colonies[edit]
By the rule of thumb no matter how hot you are, specially if you are a nerd and a hot blond woman shows interest in you, something is wrong. You should at least check their backbone during sex to see if their inner toaster is on fire. Failing to do so for two years, Baltar provided the opportunity for the Number Six to sabotage the colonies' defense mainframe. Bewildered after getting caught in the bed with another woman, his girlfriend disclosed the toaster in her closet and in reply to Balar's frantic "What have I done, I don't wanna die!", said "Suck this!" and shoved him down. This act somehow shielded Baltar from the explosion, and is proven to be the best position to survive a nuclear holocaust to this day.
Aboard the Galactica[edit]
Imaginary number six told Baltar to believe in the toaster god, but being a scientist, he refused. She told him he wouldn't like her when she was mad, to no avail. Hell hath no fury like an imaginary religious toaster girlfriend and she personally came in flesh and blood, providing evidence of his treason to see him being executed. Having no other way, Baltar offered to be a bitch to the toaster god for the remainder of his life. At which point all the evidence against him vanished.
Political Career[edit]
Chosen as the delegate of Caprica, he slept during the delegations, then woke up just in time to see if a woman in front of him was wearing underwear and to second the motion for electing a vice president. Then went right back to sleep only to wake up and become the vice president.
Since the only job of the vice president is trimming the moustache of the president and obviously there was no need for that, he kept on sleeping during that term, and banging his imaginary girlfriend during daydreams in his lab, until she poked him to save the unborn half toaster, whom the bitchy madam president had decided should be aborted. He managed this task while saving the life of the cancer ridden president.
He also killed a man to impress his imaginary girlfriend on Kobol, and helped a raped toaster model number six get revenge against her evil lesbian captor. He ran for presidency and kicked madam president's ass, then ordered everyone to settle on New Caprica. But his new toaster girlfriend committed suicide with a nuke he gave her as a six weeks anniversary present, which made him depressed and drawn to hookers, until toasters arrived on New Caprica, taking him hostage to have their way with him and his people.
After colonial forces took back the New Caprica, he escaped with his toaster buddies to save his sorry ass.
Living with the Toasters[edit]
After a serious session of torture to get the truth out of Baltar about his possible role in a viral beacon that was getting the toasters sick, his masochistic qualities made D'Anna fall in love with him. He then had hot threesomes with D'Anna and number six, which broadened his sexual horizons, by going where no man had gone before, including the Eye of Jupiter, at which point he was captured by the colonial forces.
Trial[edit]
“He looks like god, preaches god, so why shouldn't he pay for our sins like god? Throw him out of the airlock!”
His trial was more controversial than that of OJ and more fun than that of MJ. He wrote a manifesto in the prison for the sole purpose of getting stripped by Madam President herself. Smuggling what originally intended to be titled "If I did it", but later changed to "My triumphs, My Mistakes" out of the prison was the only accomplishment his first attorney had before getting blown to pieces. His cunning Irish second attorney Romo Lampkin though managed to stay alive and get him off on all charges.
“There never was a man who screwed humanity this bad and I got him off. Denny Crane could suck my dick along with Alan Shore!”
Celebrity Prophet[edit]
“Something in the universe loves me!”
After getting freed, the lucky bastard was surrounded by chicks worshipping him and making a shrine for him in their quarters. There he stayed, preached toaster god on wireless radio, had sex with them all and at one point he even tried to convert a centurion robot by telling him there's only one god and he loves him just like everyone else. It didn't work.
Back to Farming[edit]
After his heroic act of nearly killing a crew-member by friendly fire and saving Hera, our mother who could draw perfect circles, the fleet made it to the other Earth. Upon landing, Baltar sighted some tribal primitives suitable to jump. The survivors, having had enough of the technology decided to join the primitives and were divided between the continents. Baltar and No. 6 decided to start farming, so I suppose the moral of his story boys and girls, is that there's no point running from what you do, because in the end you get back right where you started. He never sat under an apple tree again, nor did let any of his children do so. He and No. 6 lived happily ever after, aside from his random one night stands with primitives.