Funyuns

“Funions are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Funions

“Hark there! A message in mine Funions! It says 'Oooooooo.'"”

~ Oscar Wilde

Contrary to popular belief, funions were not purposefuly created as an artificial substitute for onions to provide sustenance for Russian cosmonauts during the failed reconsturuction of Earth's second moon, nor were they the accidental fusion of onions and William Shatner's left nipple in the Starship Enterprise's food replicator. Funions are in fact, the offspring of the aborted fetus of Rosa Parks after she got knocked up by the Kool Aid Pitcher in the back of a bus in 1969. This accounts for the urge many have to rumble "Ohhh yeaahh!" and bust through a wall after ingesting a sufficient amount of Funions.

Modern Funions

The Funions that we know and taste today are a far cry from the original Kool Aid/Parks love child. In 1973, on the Funion homeworld Yo Yo Ma, a peaceful alliance existed between the native Ewoks and the Funions. On one infamous day, the best friend of the son of the Ewok King Humprey the Humpback Whale the Third's chief Master Baiter violated the sanctity of the honorable Funion Pope Tom in a penetration of his most private of orifices. This caused the honorable Funion Pope Tom to spawn the atrocious contagion of MySpace out of his bleeding behind. Many Funions were outraged at the Ewoks for their lecherous anal rapage, but some Funions sided with their long time allies. Civil Funion War broke out on Endor, and there was much flamage on My Space. Many men cried, but this time period (to be later labeled as the Quebec Movement) birthed Boxy McCutter, the fashion statement of wearing tube socks to cover genitals, and the popularity of leather fedoras.

The war came to an end when Edgar Allan Poe, who had been buried alive in 1872, remembered the teachings of Baby Jesus and punched his way out of his grave in 1976. Edgar Allan Poe enlisted the help of Marilyn Manson and Ozzy Osbourne and enslaved the entire Funion race, forcing the Funions to work on his papyrus farms in Egypt. In 1983, God led the Funions out of Egypt to the promised land. There was much rejoicing, and they consumed plentiful milk and honey, which caused their original taste, which was close to the musical taste of those who like bands such as Hanson, to become the sweet but oniony taste we know today.

The Olympics

In 1990, Funion eating became an Olympic sport. In this most challenging and deadly competition, professional Funion Eaters are scored on how many Funions they can eat in six minutes. The rapid consumption of Funions often leads to bleeding gums and lips. In fact, the sport of Funion eating is so bloody that it is the main contibutor to the spread of AIDS today, causing much controversy over the unique sport.

Are Funions related to bunions?

Only if your feet reek of onions, and you find self-shrimping your toes to be tasty and enjoyable.

Funions in Prophecy

"Something else appeared in the sky. It was a huge red Funion with seven heads and ten horns, and a crown on each of it's seven heads. With its tail, it dragged a third of the stars from the sky and threw them down to the earth. Then the Funion turned toward the woman, because it wanted to eat her child as soon as it was born."

Excerpt from the Book of Revelation

"The year 1999, seventh month,
From the sky will come a great King of Terror:
To bring back to life the great King of the Funions,
Before and after Mars to reign by good luck." 

From the Prophecies of Nostradamus

Funions in Philosophy

Funions were first discussed in a Philosophical context by William Shakespeare, when he stated in his play Hamlet, "To be or not to be, that is the funion."

The great but smelly French philosopher Rene Descartes once stated, "Cogito ergo sum." In English this means "I think, therefore I am." He later admitted that what he actually meant to say was, "Damn, Funions...I mean...just, DAMN!"