Fourth World War

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Not to be confused with World War IV, The Fourth World War was the first and only war of The Fourth World, Mars. Started in early 2017, it tapered off in December of the same year due primarily to lack of interest.

Leadup to the Fourth World War[edit]

Once excavated, consumers found Martian pet rocks to be more personable and easier to care for than similar rocks of Lunar or Terran origin.

Tensions between the Martian colonies date back to the very first days of Martian settlement. The two largest colonies, one a group of pet rock miners, the other a fanatical congregation of Southern Baptists, who fled to Mars to escape what they saw as a steadily liberalizing Megatexas, were also the most bickersome. Early conflicts focused on insignificant matters such as the ungodly use of solar power generators, and the proper biblical role of the pet rock in the household. Most historians attribute these first arguments to the need of the Southern Baptists (who now called themselves the Martian Baptists) to harass anyone they could about anything at all.

Course of The Fourth World War[edit]

First Days of the War[edit]

The initial attack was launched by the Martian Baptists, who "liberated" several hundred pet rocks which they claimed were being raised in an "unchristian environment." Retaliation at the hands of the miners was swift, and soon other, lesser colonies joined in because there really wasn't much else to do on Mars.

The Battle of New Crawford[edit]

The Battle of New Crawford was indisputably the height of the Fourth World War. For days beforehand, the Martian Baptists had been launching their acquired pet rocks (retrained as Holy Warrior rocks) at all non-allied colonies in range of their Holy Warrior launching mechanisms. This was moderately irritating to their adversaries, who eventually converged on the main Martian Baptist colony of New Crawford. There they engaged in very clumsy low gravity combat, and eventually succeeded in sabatoging the colony life support system, killing hundreds of colonists, and uploading massive amounts of barnyard pornography to the computer system, where it joined the massive amount of barnyard pornography already present.

End of (open) Hostilities[edit]

After the Battle of New Crawford, several factors contributed to the final cessation of hostilities on The Fourth World. Primarily, the general inconvenience of waging war in a low gravity and low oxygen environment led to a loss of enthusiam by all parties. Additionaly, the booming pet rock market crashed, robbing the miners of the financial advantage they had once had. In the wake of the Fourth World War, the Martian Baptists spread across the surface of the planet, eventually driving away or converting all other colonist groups. Mars was the domain of the Martian Baptists until the majority of the population was converted to Flying Spaghetti Monsterism in the late 2030s. Remaining Martian Baptists fled to Phobos, and renamed themselves the Baptist Phobians.


Casualties (Human) 620,142,389
Casualties (Pet Rock) 493
Total days 287
Percentage of Martian Populace Aware of War 21.5%
Souls Eternally Saved -620,142,389 (all the humans got sent to hell for the misconduct of pet rocks)