Foon

This page was originally sporked from the foon.

This article was originally Fooned from the Terence.

This article was originally Fooned from a Foon.

This page was originally sporked from a Spork.

“We won't get fooned again!!”

~ Roger Daltry on on foons

“We're Better”

~ Sporks on on foons

“I pity the foon!”

~ Mr.T on on foons

Foons (not to be confused with a spork) are a combination of a spoon and a fork that is useful as none. It is understood that they are the result of a steamy affair involving the aforementioned utensils, which have since parted ways as a result of family oppression, though the foon has thrived freely in households across several timelines. Being an excellent device for eye-scraping, the foon is most often used as a device for stuffing food into mouths.

They might take over the world one day. Everything will be peaceful then. Just you wait. Not only are they loveable and cute, but they can cut you in four places at once if you ever try to mess with them. Don't. They are very pleasant due to the fact that they are natural optimists. Foons are a marvellous invention. The spork is their mortal enemy. It is an inverted, four-pronged foon, the retarded cousin that never quite made the cut for the school girls' volleyball team. If you ever see one, crush it immediately, for your own safety and that of the foon nation, foonsville. Foons celebrate National Foon Day every February 30. It is a "commemoration of the awesomeness of the foon and those who support it".

The foon Fossils of Upper Bulgaria

Here is a computer generated image of what scientists believe to be a primitive Grue portraying its use of foons.

Back in 1824, while on an excavation of Upper Bulgaria, the mighty foon fossils were first found. From these initial fossils, TV Scientologists at the time were able to, almost correctly, conclude that the foon is the ancestor to both the fork and the spoon which have been domesticated for about 5 days now.

The deadly instrument of war

From the beginning of time, man has sought to fashion a weapon he could also use when eating. The bone-club and the rock didn't really work for eating, and it was hard to kill someone with chopsticks. And to be honest, those time travelling hippies didn't help all that much either. Only when the first foon was invented by the ancient Mesopotamians did man finally have a killing instrument that he could eat with too. The food shortage started not long after, and the foon was lost in time for a time determined by the wheel of fortune. About 5 minutes. Other uses of foons were in the Fourteenth World War, when Mr. SADGSDAHGDHDFDSHDSASDHDSADSSDTAWE led an invasion of Normandy to blow up a bunch of sour vegetables. Foons also used as prison shanks. many people complain about some crazy bastards like Qbrenten English attacking them with foons. This rumour is unconfirmed...

Foon as Religious Symbol

Among the Sacred Foon cult, a heretical splinter sect within the prominent Utensilitarianist Church, the Foon is worshipped and revered as being the most holy embodiment of the unification of the masculine (poking and pointy) and feminine (scooping and curved) principles within the omniverse. Subscribers to this heresy deny the supreme authority of the spoon, some going so outrageously far as to claim the spoon is in actuality a cruel tyrant god bent on shackling men to its will of consuming all food only through it and no other and hence preventing man from achieving true oneness all of his eating utensils.

This sect believes that originally fork and spoon were one until the spoon, believing itself to be the superior aspect of the duality, broke away to become the predominant instrument of soup consumption, relegating the fork primarily to the lower realms of dead meat, dying lettuce, eyes, and other more profane foodstuffs; thereby sundering the simple harmony of original existence and instituting the rule of spoonish values of scooping and submerging in soup, Jello, and such to the denigration of harder, more forceful forkish ones.

Sacred foon cultists believe that only through the primary use of foons, many even demanding the unilineal implementation of foons alone at all public eateries, schools, homeless shelters and men's bathhouses, does humankind have hope for salvation and enlightenment when it comes to putting things into his mouth. The Sacred foon cult is, needless to say, denounced by orthodox Utensilitarianism which maintains the spoon as supreme eating device/deity and fork, though possessing some measure of sacrality, as nevertheless being a subordinate principle. Orthodox views of the Church, as upheld by its celerite priesthood (that is, not consuming celery), accuse foonites of a confused misreading of the holy menus, a degenerate and/or regressive view of consumptuality, and engaging in immoral and lewd rites involving the "reunion" of fork and spoon at suppertime. Hence, the cult continues to be denounced and persecuted to this day, and therefore often must practise its beliefs in secret coffee houses, delis, and pizza parlours away from the accepted fancy restaurants and dining halls of the mainstream Church.

Recently, a breakaway sect from the church calling themselves the Enlightened Followers of the Sacred spork was established in Hoboken, New Jersey. They attempted a revolution concurrent with the invasion of the Easter Bunny. The coup failed, but revolutionaries promoting sporks instead of foons still control a couple blocks of the city.

The origins of foons

When a mommy spoon and a daddy fork get to getter.....then 9 months later.... However, some sources, such as communists state that it was the mommy fork and a daddy spoon, and yet another theory, formed by the insane escaped hippies of the deepest jungles of Greenland, is that two Daddy spoons adopted the first Foon. So there.