Fecesbook
Fecesbook is the reported next evolution of the popular social-networking site Facebook. Although it has been announced by the Facebook staff, only some of the newly improved features are known. It is planned to be released on the next day that does not end with a 'y' in the English language.
Development and Announcement[edit]
After the initial launch of Facebook, there was an initial concern that it would lead to more social degradation and decreased intelligence than the lead in your vaccines, the failing public education system, and George W. Bush's speeches combined. The Facebook staff immediately dismissed these claims by sending out a Facebook petition to censor all the critics of Facebook to every user by using the "Groups" application. Showing exactly how individual, non-group-thinking, and cool they were; all the Facebook users who read the message immediately joined and updated their statuses "i joned teh petiton 2 sav Facebook, u shud 2!" and other examples of their extreme intelligence.
After seeing the massive response to their petition, the Facebook staff realized that Facebook had become too complicated for the common person because of the massive intelligence of its users. They decided to make it a bit simpler and announced the development of Fecesbook, which they promised would help to increase the intelligence of its users and make society better by "dumbing down" it's applications and functions. This new version of the social-networking site would propel humanity as a whole into the next great era of man. There is no more content in this paragraph; you will have to read the next one to continue receiving information. Thank you for reading this paragraph.
Features[edit]
The announced features of this improvement were released slowly over a period of months, but have been expanded upon prolifically by an anonymous source within the Facebook staff. All of these features are expected to to help every person who uses it reach self-actualization.
Feces Sling[edit]
The first big change that was announced was the change of the "poke" button into a button labeled "sling feces." It was discovered that the "poke" button was far too confusing for most users, as they were unsure if it meant that they poked the other person kindly as in a jest, or if it meant that they were trying to harm the person as in poking them in the eyes. This led to a large number of misconceptions that shattered very close, deep, and meaningful relationships between people who had never seen each other in the real world.
To remedy these unfortunate scenarios, the "poke" button was changed into a "sling feces" button as slinging feces is seen as a more natural response for the sophisticated humans that use Facebook. With this new improvement, users are expected to be able to sling feces in an endless volley of pointless proportions so as to show their superiority over other domesticated primates human dullards.
It was later announced, to cheers from many Facebook users, that feces slinging would be multi-way. Many of them, not knowing what "feces" or "multi-way" meant, cheered only out of a compulsion that is totally unlike group-think.
Changes in Language[edit]
The Facebook staff realized that many of the standard languages on the site confused and challenged people immensely, such as English(American) and English(UK). Because of this problem, Fecesbook is expected to get rid of these two unneeded languages, and institute the following languages in their place:
- Eng(IM)- ths lang makes use of vry few vowls to optimze wrd spcing also contans no puncuaton or capitl lttrs 4 simplcty
- Egnlish(Mispel)- This stly of Egnlish mkes use of manny mispelings and gramitical erors becuz sum words R jost to peksy two rememember. Aded faeture taht repalces "here" wit "hear", "there" wit "their" oar "they're" and soo on.
- 3ng(1337) - Th1s v3r510n w1ll 5w1tch t3h u53r 0v3r t0 a11 1337 ch4r4ct3r5.
- Caveman- Ugh Ugh Uhhn Ugh Unnnnn Ugh.
- And many more.
This improvement is expected to make it easier for users to understand advanced requests such as "Are you sure you want to navigate away from this page?" This confuses many users, so it is expected to be viewed in Fecesbook as the easier to understand "U wantz 2 go away now?" This is believed to attract a more desirable user base to the site.
Farmville Integration[edit]
In the old version of Facebook, the popular game Farmville was played by many of the users who were all bristling with knowledge. Unfortunately, Farmville was very difficult for many of them to find, especially when the location of the button was changed after every update. The inability to find the link to play Farmville resulted in many suicides, homicides, and general nastiness of the sort.
Fecesbook aims to fix that problem by integrating Farmville right into the main screen. "After all," said one of the Facebook staff, "Farmville already contains massive amounts of feces." As soon as the user logs on, half of the screen is expected to be covered in the feces-strong Farmville so that they can play the intrinsically complex game while reading their friends new wall posts.
It was later announced that in an attempt to spread intelligent conversation and eliminate spam, that Fecesbook would award one feces point for every post made on a user's wall. These feces points could then be redeemed for necessary Farmville items such as fertilizer and dancing cow statues.
Data Un-hiding[edit]
Another problem with the original Facebook was that people who were not your "friend" couldn't see pictures of you or your status or what extremely expressive groups you belonged to. Well, you could let other people see these, but it was a very long and complicated process that required clicking more than one link; so you can't expect the Facebook users to find out how to do so. This prevented future employers, crazy serial killers and rapists, and nosy parents from being able to stalk you like native Americans stalked elk.
Fortunately Fecesbook solved this problem not only by making everything you upload or post readily available to the public, but also by automatically detecting what a person was looking for and giving it to them. So if your boss want to find pictures of you at a party drinking booze, smoking pot, snorting cocaine, shooting up heroin, protesting the government, killing kittens, and talking with a minority they don't currently like; ALL AT THE SAME TIME they can easily do so. Likewise, serial killers are automatically given you home and security schematics along with your address, phone number, and license plate number. This feature is expected to help make being social much easier while on Fecesbook.
Praise[edit]
The praise resulting from the announcement of the new site is phenomenal, with citizens in a plethora of countries voicing their opinion all over the internet and especially on Facebook. The government and all its related entities are also praising it for their ability to monitor you every thought, action, and movement that you freely give them connect better with the people and play Farmville with you. The Global Elite kindly people who help oversee large corporations also support it as it makes society more like Huxley's Brave New World every day helps the populous become more educated and advanced. In general, all people like the prospect of Fecesbook because the ones who didn't have already been dealt with.
See Also[edit]
External Links[edit]
As of Monday 17th October 2011, Fecesbook appears to have gone live in beta-testing, at http://www.fecesbook.com.nu. Staff claimed the .nu domain ending was to differentiate the "New" (Nu) Fecesbook from the old Facebook