F-22 Raptor
The American Air Force Lockheed-Martin/Boeing/Airbus multirole, advanced-stealth, air-superiority, autonomous defense, transonic, transforming, fighter aircraft, F-22 Raptor, is the latest example of America's supremacy as the world's superpower. Bristling with blisteringly high-tech equipment such as stealth capability, cutting-edge electronics, iPod support, WIFI antenna, heated seating, Xbox 360, customizable seat-mounted dildo, high-yield weaponry and HDTV with built-in XM satellite radio support, all of which is imported from China, the Air Force's usage of the F-22 is the equivalent of shooting enemy pilots before they're even in the cockpit.
History[edit]
The F-22 was first conceived in the mind numbing paranoia and fear of the Soviet Union which pervaded America during the 1980's. The brass of the air force, who were unable to conceive the concept of an engineering compromise, gathered the finest minds to rework the definition of "overkill", resulting in the design of a plane relying entirely on technology that hadn't been invented yet (TRL = -1). This hindrance was resolved by arranging to have the F-22 manufactured in the future and then transported back by time machine. Presenting the prototype to the Power That Was in 1991, the plan was given the green light; reportedly, Bush was very impressed by the invisibility of the model (the Secret Service would later reveal they had been reluctant to inform the president that there had been no prototype). The plane's revolutionary technology was first tested by glassing Native reserves with its nuclear blasters. The plane was first used in the Gulf war, where it demonstrated its capability by single handedly butchering Iraq's military infrastructure. The Iraqi soldiers on the ground, mistaking the plane for a Gundam, promptly broke ranks and ran for their lives.
Production[edit]
The F-22 first entered production after the U.S. procured all the unobtanium and mithril deposits in Bosnia under pretext of intervening in a civil war. Unfortunately, the first few production models were scrapped due to the Chinese manufacturing company recalling them; a miscommunication (Mithril and Tinfoil sound remarkably similar in Mandarin) resulted in five planes being built of high-strength tinfoil. The misunderstanding was not uncovered until the microwave test, which resulted in the loss of twenty lives and death of Richard Simmons due to his tendency of showing up when not wanted.
After correcting the problem, the rest was smooth sailing, and America successfully fielded the raptor in the Gulf war.
Design[edit]
The F-22's revolutionary design makes it the Cadillac of fighter planes, and features multiple revolutionary technologies in all areas, ranging from superluxarycruise to hyperdimensional five-star hotel rooms.
Armour[edit]
Multiple armour types were tested before designers settled on pouring the blood of Chuck Norris into a mould and having the Pope bless it. As an extra precaution against vampires and Simon Cowell, it was anointed with holy oil. The armour's capabilities are, so far, unknown, as during stress testing it got up and beat the shit out of observers until it was satisfied.
Weaponry[edit]
The F-22 is the first aircraft to utilize Hammerspace as an integral part of its weapons systems, and may store approximately five large herds of elephants in its two bays. During normal peacetime, these bays are used as grazing pastures for cows to bolster America's beef industry. However, in wartime, the F-22 is loaded with heat-seeking missiles, cold-seeking missiles, radar-guided missiles, x-ray-guided missiles, lasagna-guided missiles, rocket-powered chainsaws, tank-launcher-launchers, holy hand grenades, concrete donkeys, thermonuclear blasters, Optimus Prime, Mr. T, Chuck Norris, Sephiroth, and other F-22's. There are also externally mounted Wolverine Claws tipped with dimensional warp blades which are used in kamikaze missions used to maximize enemy casualties.
Stealth[edit]
This feature is believed to have come from one late night "idea session" at Area 51, where some of the head designers decided to test some "space greens" growing in the front foyer. These plants induced hallucinations, where, in between talking about The Beatles and Bill Gates, a scientist exclaimed "we should have invisible planes" (they were later hospitalized due to consuming an amount of radioactive material capable of powering three nuclear submarines). After being released from intensive care, the scientists proceeded to test various methods of making the plane undetectable, including dressing it as a cardboard box and having it fire sedatives at any soldiers in sight. After these methods proved to be ineffective and three planes were lost to experiments, the scientists were deemed mentally retarded. Air Force officials put out an advertisement for R&D (Retarded and Demented) experts. Soon, the planes were given a +60 Enchantment of Neverending Sneak, and could stealth on command.
Current Use[edit]
Over time, the F22 has become a symbol of American world hegemony, and has even been elevated to a figure of worship by several religious sects, including the Church of Scientology. The American military proudly operates the F22,and does not hesitate to brandish it against foolish nations who step out of line. Although the F22 project is widely praised by the mainstream media, there are those who dismiss it as cost prohibitive. Indeed the F22 project has been incredibly expensive, totaling $3 trillion for research costs, and for manufacturing the single F22 in service. At one point, these costs led to intense animosity between the US armed services, who had fought over ownership of the single F22. A compromise was reached, at which point it was agreed that the F22 would be shared, 3 days a week to the air force, 3 days a week the navy, and handed over on sundays to the marine corps. Maintaining the F22's is also difficult, not only because of its costs, which contributed to the 2013 suspension of American government, but also because the plane needs to be satiated with regular human sacrifices.