Emperor Weird

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What Emperor Weird would look like if he were a stick figure. The green makes him an alien.

Weird was a great alien emperor of the Peculiur Mothership. One of his great passions was to bombard small inferior planets. He was especially notorious for annihilating small inferior planets that ate mango for supper and breakfast (he refused to acknowledge the existence of lunch). His reign was cut short by unwittingly initiating a war against the mango, known simply as The Mango Wars to those historians to lazy to come up with anything snazzy. A series of battles took place on the Peculiar Mothership during The Mango Wars, but few records have survived the tale. What is known is that Emperor Weird perished during The Battle of Noodles, and was laid to rest in his favorite sofa cushion. Emperor Weird is known to be responsible for the annihilation of many small inferior planets during his rule on the Peculiar Mothership, but since they were small and inferior, this article will not address them further. In shrimp colonies, Emperor Weird was known as the scourge of the sea. The correlation between the two has eluded historians.

Weird's Early Years[edit]

Weird’s early years are shrouded in mystery. What is known is that he was born on the planet Bora Bora, and that the reasons for his departure may have something to do with the planet’s reputation for a lack of aesthetics. Nothing is known of his travels upon leaving Bora Bora until he resurfaces in the year J462 (in the Bora Bora standard calendar) with the unveiling of the Peculiar Mothership.

The Unveiling of Peculiar Mothership[edit]

It is rumored that Weird built the ship with his bare hands and a lot of toothpicks, scrap metal, and chewing gum. However, a new theory has been introduced suggesting that he probably just stole it from some guy. Weird chose to have the location of his unveiling at the site of a small inferior planet, and invited its inhabitants to enter the ship stating that there was quote: “a bunch of candy and porn and videogames and stuff inside”. Once the citizens of small inferior planet filed inside the Mothership, Weird locked the doors behind them. Then he stated through a megaphone that he had conquered them all and that he was now to be their emperor else they meet some grim death that he hadn’t yet come up with. To this the citizen’s queried as to if they could still get the porn. An accord was reached among the majority of the citizens and they become Weird’s infamous Minions o’ Death. Those who defied the accord of porn for allegiance were executed by means of finger poking. However, on this fateful day, one sole naysayer (he actually had a substantial porn collection of his own) managed to escape the slaughter by engaging an escape pod that was just sitting there with a big sign that said “Escape Pod” in bold red letters.

The Naysayer Vendetta[edit]

Upon his escape, the naysayer made it his mission to go from one planet to the next spreading gossip about Emperor Weird, such as “he’s stupid” or “he’s ugly”. Sometimes he spiced it up with words like “really” or “very”. Emperor Weird made it his mission to kill this man for besmirching his honor, and three days following his publication of the 42 page mission statement declaring this, he succeeded in doing so while accidentally running into him at a mixer.

The Conspiracy of the Mangos[edit]

Upon the naysayer’s death, Emperor Weird found scores of mangos on his person and concocted a theory of The Conspiracy of the Mangos. He rationed that the extreme diet of mangos had affected the naysayer’s thinking patterns and had caused him to say those mean things and whatnot. Fearing more mango eating name callers, he began systematically wiping out small inferior mango eating planets. However, Emperor Weird underestimated the full extent of the mangos' hand in the name calling. Emperor Weird was a pioneer in the field of mango dietary and the affects the mangos have on their witless aggressors, but he could not fathom the mangos' ultimate identity until it was too late.

The Death of Emperor Weird[edit]

Due to Emperor Weird’s crusade on the mango-eating planets, a war was initiated between Weird and the cruel mango dictators who were enraged by the senseless deaths of their comrades. Before Emperor Weird’s instigation of the mangos, the threat of the inhabitants of Morg (the mangos) was relatively unknown beyond Morg’s local solar system. The war that followed upon the Peculiar Mothership marked a turning point in the understanding of the insipid nature of mangos. For his part, Emperor Weird fought bravely in the war, but perished in The Battle of Noodles. He was said to be buried in his favorite sofa cushion, which he had named “Charlie”. After his demise his Minions o’ Death were enslaved by the mangos, the Peculiar Mothership was abandoned for many years, and someone else had to take up the slack in bombarding small inferior planets.

Minions o' Death[edit]

These capable assassins were the first to implement death by finger poking. After their enslavement by the mangos, they developed the ability to shoot lasers from their eyes, due to their exposure to the fumes of the mines of Morg. They managed to escape using their laser vision and returned to the Peculiar Mothership which sat abandoned from the war. The mangos declined to steal the ship for reasons of its extreme shininess. They later became mercenaries for hire using the Peculiar Mothership for their odd jobs, and are speculated to be the long lost descendants of the ninja.

The Peculiar Mothership[edit]

It’s a really shiny ship. And it’s got like laser cannons and a pirate flag and some really comfortable sofas. Oh, and it’s got a hedge maze in there! That’s in the lower compartment I think. Um… what else? It’s got a fridge… I think there’s some Cheetos still in there. I mean, the ship's old and it’s been running for while, and there’s some folks’d say that it was built with toothpicks and gum and stuff… So uh, I think I can knock the price down a little for that maybe. How about… $25,000? No? …You just came in here looking for the bathroom? Okay, it’s in the back corner over there. You see it? Yeah. …Sigh.

Something Weird[edit]

There's been the suggestion that the word "weird" also relates to something that is unusual, strange, or whatever. These are lies perpetrated by rogue nazi playwrights. Like Arthur Miller! He's a nazi right? Yeah.

Not What You Were Looking For?[edit]


Or maybe um...

...I don't know, some other stuff that starts with ""W""...

...Porn? That's usually a safe bet.