Drinkus Alcoholicus
“It's five o'clock somewhere”
“Jack Daniel's got nuthin on me”
Drinkus Alcoholicus was the original Hobo prophet sent to Earth to teach humans how to act in order to reach enlightenment. He preached against conventional teachings and soon had a large following of people who he called Hobos.
Beginnings[edit]
Drinkus Alcoholicus was born to a "virgin" who claimed to be at a party and then woke up the next morning feeling sick. It was later proven on the Mauricus Povipus Show that his father was Zeus and out of anger Zeus caused the eruption of Mount Vesuvius
Followers[edit]
When Drinkus got older he began to preach radical ideas such as living in dumpsters and refusing to take a bath. He said that this was essential in order to reach enlightenment. He soon began to gain a following, which he called his Hobos. His leading followers, which he called Alcoholics (greek for outstanding citizens) were Tipsy Tim, Tweckle-Toothed Tom, Crazy Eye Carl, and Mumbling Mark. These four would play an important role after Drinkus' death.
Great Achievements[edit]
He created the Ten Hobo Commandments, created a plague and unleashed it onto the Romans, and turned water into whiskey.
Ten Hobo Commandments[edit]
- It's five o'clock somewhere.
- The more you drink, the better you will be understood.
- Beg thy neighbor.
- To live is to drink.
- You shall not take up residence in a respectable establishment.
- Remember the Sabbath (Friday) and throw a party.
- You shall have many wives, for one may not have enough diseases.
- Grow a beard, you come from a bush and so you must have a bush (on your face at least).
- Do not speak, unless you are asking for change or booze.
- If beings knew, as I know, the results of sharing booze, they would not share booze.
Plague[edit]
When Orange Julius (Julius Ceasar's real name) created prohibition in order to get rid of the hobos, Drinkus confronted him and said that if prohibition continued there would be great consequences. Orange Julius did not listen and so Drinkus unleashed a plague that caused every man woman and child to experience the worst hangover imaginable. Hobos were unaffected because they were so used to being hung over. Eventually Orange Julius gave in and prohibition was ended.
The Last Begging[edit]
Drinkus was close to reaching enlightenment and so he called a meeting with his Alcoholic's. He cut himself and poured his blood into a cup. He said, "Drink from this, for it is my blood, the blood of a true alcoholic (100 proof)." He then pulled out a quarter and said, "This is my body, the body of a true alcoholic." Drinkus pulled out a barrel filled with water and turned it into whiskey, he then told them to sup and be nourished for he was about to reach enlightenment.
Reaching Enlightenment[edit]
As he continued to drink that night, he fell into a coma and encountered his archnemesis Bill Maher, the God of Death and Trickery. Bill Maher said that the only way for Drinkus to reach enlightenment was to beat him in a game of pong (actually Beirut, but everyone thinks that is the same as pong). Instead of beer being in each cup, there was pure grain alcohol. It was the most heated match in history and after each drink, thunder cracked the sky. Luckily for Drinkus, he had a greater tolerence than even the God of Death had and so Drinkus was victorious and reached enlightenment.
Final Miracle[edit]
Three days after Drinkus' death he was seen by his favorite disciple, Tweckle-Toothed Tom, and said, "You are a rock and on that rock I will build my bar." At this moment the sky filled with clouds and it began to rain beer for 40 days and 40 nights.
Drinkus' Teachings in Modern TImes[edit]
The teachings of Drinkus Alcoholicus have been perserved and are taught at places of worship called Alcoholics Anonymous. His teachings are referred to as Alcoholism and members of his church are called Alcoholics. Prophets still referred to as Hobos exist and are committed to living what Drinkus taught.
Opposition[edit]
The main opponents of Alcoholism are the US Government and members of the Chuch of Maher. The US Government has tried to stop the spread of Alcoholism by reinstating Prohibition, creating political correctness (calling Hobos the homeless and outdoorsmen), and by trying to make Hobos respectable members of society who can afford low income housing. The US Government failed at trying to enforce prohibition because Drinkus returned as Al Capone and managed to produce so much alcohol, the government couldn't destroy it all. Members of the Church of Maher, known as "scientists" (latin for Satanists) have gone back in time and planted fake fossils in order to say that evolution created humans and that there is no God. They travel through time by sacrificing a Hobo to Bill Maher, this creates a dimensional vortex which makes time travel possible.