Death by poetry
“Dear god help me please. I am speaking in haiku. I am in great pain”
Death by poetry is a violent, messy and unpleasantly smelly torture that, as the name suggests, is lethal. It is not unlike fish.
The Three Strains, or levels death by poetry
There are four levels of Death by poetry:
- The first level,
- the second level,
- the third level,
- the fourth level.
Levels from A Collection of deadly poems by Jack One-eyed
The first level of death by poetry has a 12.9% p.a. mortality rate. This is based on the Stronstien-Lardy theory that states that in a world where death exists, so must poetry to form equilibrium according to the following:
15(PoE2Ry) <acid-nitrate catalyst> 23(DEa3)+BoRd1
As demonstrated, a byproduct of poetry is boredom. Death by boredom was invented in 1293 by Sir Thomas. A. Matthews, of the Medieval Poets Society, Unfair Weapons Division. An example follows:
- Anent becours the flouw'ring rose
- Denyeth notte the blouwing nose
- Do thou imagine 200 more such lines
- And thou shalt get the general idea.
A crash research program was started by Winston Churchill in 1937 to find an antidote for first level of death by poetry. See endnote, below, for the fate of the program.
Wilfred Owen (D.O.B. - Later) produced primitive first level death by poetry in WWI, which proved to be unstable and killed him one week before the end of the war.
- Wilfred Owen stop yer moanin'
- A poem has asplode your silly head.
- Yer best friend yer girl is bonin''
- Just 'cos you are doorknob dead.
- ~~ Stephen Crane
The second level of death by poetry has a 79.3% p.a. mortality rate. This is based on the Archemides-3-chicken-texlor theory, which he stated as "What the *** ***** ** ***** ****** is *** of **** is metaphorical and analytical approach to meaning in poem and prose?". In simple terms it states that poetry analysis rots the mind. There is no evidence needed for such an obvious statement, however it is simply backed up by the fact that has little/no meaning.
- Mary had a little lamb
- in rubber clothes and lace
- Mary raised her petticoat
- and sat upon its face.
Analysis: While this verse may at first blush appear to represent little more than a prurient excrementalization of limp-nosed doggerel it is in fact a relativistic expansion of the late Edwardian logarithmic imagry in early Victorian novelistic mathematics as exemplified by neo-Newtonian quadratics and Galilean transforms on a Lorentzian matrix expanded through a curved Piemannian manifold across seven dimensions of allegory and metaphor...
Do thou imagine 200 more such lines and thou shalt get the general idea.
For more information of the effects of second level death by poetry see SEHS
The third level of death by poetry affects 127.25% of people who don't suffer from second level death by poetry. It is the result of poems making no sence, but not in the usual sence, if you sense the sense of my nonsense sentence. Examples are poems that --
- Break laws of Mathematics (such as an Iambic Pentameter Haiku, as banned in 1901 by the UN council of human head rights (with subdivision "dog heads also" before it's disillusionment in 1923))
- Break laws of physics (such as ode to Quantum Physics)
- Poems by psychopaths (such as ode to Quantum Physics and ode to Quantum Physics (Remix))
- Poems that break laws of logic (AKA poems that somehow are good (such as Jabberwocky))
- Any lext with Three successive points of double Parenthesis ((<--like this)such as this text)
- And more.
Here are examples of such poems.
- On Stopping By Woods With A Snowy Owl
- Whose owl is this? I twisted it lightly
- And it's head popped off, just like that.
- Would somebody please come fix this owl?
- Sorry! The Andromeda galaxy tilted slightly,
- Casey swung and the ump cried "Foul"
- And the Mudville team was getting fat.
- The woods stood silent, and quite rightly
- Because I had wet my pants where I sat
- And Ginsberg was starting to Howl.
- ~~Robert Service
Now, what the hell does that thing mean? All the rhymes are in mathematically invalid places, the imagery sucks a bratwurst, and...well, the whole thing is just an incoherent mess.
- I met a wench from an antique land
- who winked her eye and began to flirt.
- Two vast and legless feet of sand
- like schnauzers stuck from beneath her skirt.
- "O Traveller" said this bigfoot lass,
- "My name is Ozymandias, shameless hussy.
- But call me Mandy and pinch my ass
- and I'll give ya a kiss...unless you're fussy."
- Well, those feet to me spoke of decay
- so I grabbed my pants and ran away.
- ~~Percy Bysshe Shelley
That's just an embarrassment. Good God, what was Shelley thinking? Was he thinking at all, or was he jotting down random nonsense?
It is such stuff as this that results in SEHS
The reason third level of death by poetry affects 127.25% of people who dont suffer from second level death by poetry is that some poor people suffer both second and third level of death by poetry and suffer double SEHS (in 10 dimensional space)
Fourth level Death by Poetry is the least common of the four, since it affects only that small number of people who actually enjoy poetry. It occurs when a person affected by this rare mental defect attempts, often quite innocently, to inflict the poetry on others. Those victims who are not instantly slain by one of the first three forms of Death by Poetry are invariably sent into a violent fit, causing them to bludgeon their tormentor to death with their book of poems. (Hence the term 'poetic justice'.) This was once classified as homicide but in the infamous murder trial of William Shakespeare's killer, Phyllis Stein, it was ruled that Stein could not be held accountable for her actions in the circumstances and was acquitted. The offence has been classified as Death by Poetry level four ever since, despite recent efforts to recategorise it as Euthanasia or mercy-killing.
What Happened in 1937
First level of death by poetry claimed one million lives out of one million people surveyed in 1936. Some claim that they still exist and are evading tax. Others claim they live in the middle of nowhere. In 1937 an expedition set out to find eternal happiness to use as an antidote. Both members of the party were language teachers who wished to find a way to allow poetry analysis. Being language teachers, both analyzed the farewell poem and suffered SEHS before departure.