UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Where man always bites dog

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UnNews

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Thursday, April 24, 2025, 01:38:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
2. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
3. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
4. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
5. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
6. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
7. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
8. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
9. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
10. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
11. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
12. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
13. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
14. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
15. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
16. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
17. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
18. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
19. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
20. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
21. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
22. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
23. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
24. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
25. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
26. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
27. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
28. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
29. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
30. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
31. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
32. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
33. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
34. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
35. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
36. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
37. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
38. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
39. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
40. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
41. To vote a home theater system, is to vote abrasively
42. To vote a home theater system, is to vote {{adv})
43. Gordon Brown is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.