UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Sunday, November 16, 2025, 23:48:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
2. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
3. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
4. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
5. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
6. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
7. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
8. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
9. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
10. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
11. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
12. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
13. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
14. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
15. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
16. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
17. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
18. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
19. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
20. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
21. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
22. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
23. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
24. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
25. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
26. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
27. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
28. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
29. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
30. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
31. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
32. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
33. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
34. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
35. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
36. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
37. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
38. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
39. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
40. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
41. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate impolitely
42. To obliterate an oven, is to obliterate {{adv})
43. Ganondorf is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.