UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Where man always bites dog

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UnNews

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Tuesday, November 4, 2025, 21:45:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
2. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
3. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
4. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
5. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
6. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
7. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
8. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
9. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
10. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
11. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
12. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
13. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
14. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
15. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
16. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
17. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
18. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
19. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
20. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
21. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
22. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
23. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
24. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
25. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
26. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
27. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
28. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
29. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
30. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
31. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
32. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
33. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
34. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
35. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
36. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
37. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
38. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
39. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
40. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
41. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify shoddily
42. To mollify a bathtub, is to mollify {{adv})
43. Black Jesus is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.