UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  2. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  3. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  4. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  5. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  6. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  7. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  8. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  9. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  10. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  11. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  12. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  13. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  14. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  15. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  16. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  17. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  18. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  19. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  20. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  21. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  22. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  23. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  24. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  25. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  26. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  27. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  28. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  29. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  30. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  31. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  32. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  33. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  34. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  35. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  36. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  37. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  38. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  39. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  40. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  41. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure boorishly
  42. To seizure a toaster, is to seizure {{adv})
  43. Matt Groening is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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