UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Saturday, January 3, 2026, 03:34:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
2. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
3. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
4. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
5. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
6. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
7. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
8. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
9. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
10. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
11. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
12. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
13. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
14. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
15. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
16. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
17. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
18. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
19. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
20. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
21. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
22. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
23. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
24. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
25. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
26. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
27. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
28. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
29. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
30. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
31. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
32. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
33. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
34. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
35. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
36. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
37. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
38. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
39. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
40. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
41. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather audaciously
42. To lather an air conditioner, is to lather {{adv})
43. Ringo Starr is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.