UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

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UnNews

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Thursday, October 9, 2025, 08:06:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
2. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
3. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
4. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
5. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
6. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
7. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
8. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
9. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
10. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
11. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
12. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
13. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
14. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
15. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
16. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
17. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
18. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
19. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
20. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
21. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
22. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
23. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
24. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
25. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
26. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
27. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
28. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
29. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
30. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
31. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
32. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
33. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
34. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
35. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
36. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
37. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
38. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
39. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
40. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
41. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate oddly
42. To burninate a jellybean, is to burninate {{adv})
43. Vin Diesel is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.