UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Fake News that's honestly fake

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UnNews

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Friday, January 23, 2026, 17:41:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
2. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
3. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
4. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
5. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
6. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
7. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
8. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
9. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
10. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
11. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
12. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
13. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
14. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
15. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
16. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
17. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
18. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
19. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
20. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
21. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
22. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
23. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
24. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
25. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
26. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
27. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
28. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
29. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
30. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
31. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
32. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
33. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
34. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
35. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
36. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
37. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
38. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
39. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
40. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
41. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate seldom
42. To dehydrate a nuclear reactor, is to dehydrate {{adv})
43. Joe Walsh is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.