UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  2. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  3. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  4. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  5. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  6. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  7. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  8. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  9. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  10. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  11. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  12. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  13. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  14. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  15. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  16. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  17. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  18. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  19. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  20. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  21. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  22. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  23. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  24. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  25. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  26. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  27. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  28. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  29. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  30. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  31. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  32. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  33. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  34. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  35. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  36. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  37. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  38. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  39. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  40. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  41. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble fortissimo
  42. To fumble a pillow, is to fumble {{adv})
  43. Jimmy Hoffa is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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