UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Fake News that's honestly fake

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UnNews

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Saturday, June 13, 2026, 17:32:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
2. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
3. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
4. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
5. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
6. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
7. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
8. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
9. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
10. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
11. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
12. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
13. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
14. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
15. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
16. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
17. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
18. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
19. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
20. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
21. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
22. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
23. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
24. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
25. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
26. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
27. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
28. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
29. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
30. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
31. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
32. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
33. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
34. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
35. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
36. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
37. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
38. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
39. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
40. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
41. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve relentlessly
42. To absolve a hybrid engine, is to absolve {{adv})
43. Darth Vader is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.