UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Where man always bites dog

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UnNews

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Thursday, May 23, 2024, 13:43:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
2. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
3. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
4. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
5. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
6. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
7. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
8. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
9. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
10. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
11. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
12. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
13. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
14. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
15. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
16. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
17. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
18. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
19. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
20. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
21. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
22. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
23. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
24. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
25. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
26. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
27. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
28. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
29. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
30. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
31. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
32. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
33. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
34. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
35. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
36. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
37. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
38. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
39. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
40. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
41. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit often
42. To shit an encyclopedia, is to shit {{adv})
43. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.