UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We have met the enemy, and he is us

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UnNews

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Thursday, November 21, 2024, 13:45:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
2. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
3. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
4. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
5. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
6. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
7. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
8. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
9. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
10. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
11. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
12. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
13. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
14. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
15. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
16. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
17. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
18. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
19. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
20. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
21. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
22. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
23. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
24. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
25. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
26. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
27. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
28. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
29. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
30. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
31. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
32. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
33. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
34. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
35. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
36. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
37. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
38. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
39. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
40. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
41. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize rhythmically
42. To optimize a nuclear reactor, is to optimize {{adv})
43. Monica Lewinski is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.