UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, October 29, 2026, 12:38:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  2. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  3. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  4. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  5. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  6. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  7. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  8. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  9. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  10. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  11. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  12. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  13. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  14. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  15. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  16. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  17. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  18. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  19. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  20. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  21. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  22. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  23. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  24. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  25. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  26. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  27. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  28. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  29. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  30. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  31. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  32. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  33. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  34. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  35. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  36. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  37. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  38. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  39. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  40. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  41. To revolt a cat, is to revolt sometimes
  42. To revolt a cat, is to revolt {{adv})
  43. Jimmy Hoffa is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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