UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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UnNews

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Monday, April 20, 2026, 18:51:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
2. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
3. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
4. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
5. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
6. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
7. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
8. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
9. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
10. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
11. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
12. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
13. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
14. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
15. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
16. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
17. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
18. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
19. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
20. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
21. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
22. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
23. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
24. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
25. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
26. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
27. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
28. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
29. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
30. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
31. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
32. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
33. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
34. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
35. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
36. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
37. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
38. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
39. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
40. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
41. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter fondly
42. To deter a centrifuge, is to deter {{adv})
43. Matt Groening is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.