UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Wednesday, August 19, 2026, 20:12:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
2. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
3. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
4. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
5. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
6. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
7. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
8. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
9. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
10. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
11. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
12. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
13. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
14. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
15. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
16. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
17. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
18. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
19. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
20. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
21. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
22. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
23. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
24. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
25. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
26. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
27. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
28. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
29. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
30. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
31. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
32. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
33. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
34. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
35. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
36. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
37. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
38. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
39. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
40. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
41. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw fondly
42. To clapperclaw an operating theater, is to clapperclaw {{adv})
43. Paul Hindemith is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.