UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Monday, July 27, 2026, 14:10:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
2. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
3. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
4. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
5. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
6. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
7. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
8. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
9. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
10. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
11. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
12. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
13. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
14. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
15. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
16. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
17. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
18. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
19. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
20. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
21. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
22. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
23. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
24. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
25. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
26. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
27. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
28. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
29. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
30. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
31. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
32. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
33. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
34. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
35. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
36. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
37. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
38. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
39. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
40. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
41. To complement a rake, is to complement explosively
42. To complement a rake, is to complement {{adv})
43. Margaret Thatcher is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.