UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Thursday, September 11, 2025, 01:25:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
2. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
3. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
4. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
5. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
6. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
7. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
8. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
9. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
10. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
11. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
12. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
13. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
14. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
15. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
16. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
17. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
18. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
19. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
20. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
21. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
22. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
23. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
24. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
25. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
26. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
27. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
28. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
29. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
30. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
31. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
32. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
33. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
34. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
35. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
36. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
37. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
38. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
39. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
40. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
41. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke exuberantly
42. To nuke an encyclopedia, is to nuke {{adv})
43. Jesus is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.