UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, November 15, 2025, 00:39:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  2. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  3. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  4. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  5. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  6. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  7. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  8. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  9. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  10. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  11. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  12. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  13. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  14. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  15. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  16. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  17. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  18. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  19. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  20. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  21. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  22. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  23. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  24. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  25. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  26. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  27. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  28. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  29. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  30. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  31. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  32. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  33. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  34. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  35. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  36. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  37. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  38. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  39. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  40. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  41. To shit a cat, is to shit fondly
  42. To shit a cat, is to shit {{adv})
  43. Wario is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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