UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Saturday, September 19, 2026, 03:58:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
2. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
3. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
4. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
5. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
6. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
7. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
8. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
9. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
10. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
11. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
12. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
13. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
14. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
15. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
16. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
17. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
18. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
19. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
20. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
21. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
22. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
23. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
24. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
25. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
26. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
27. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
28. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
29. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
30. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
31. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
32. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
33. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
34. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
35. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
36. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
37. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
38. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
39. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
40. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
41. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert repulsively
42. To convert an air conditioner, is to convert {{adv})
43. Bob Barker is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.