UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Tuesday, November 18, 2025, 03:11:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  2. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  3. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  4. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  5. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  6. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  7. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  8. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  9. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  10. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  11. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  12. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  13. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  14. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  15. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  16. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  17. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  18. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  19. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  20. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  21. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  22. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  23. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  24. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  25. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  26. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  27. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  28. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  29. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  30. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  31. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  32. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  33. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  34. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  35. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  36. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  37. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  38. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  39. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  40. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  41. To burn tofu, is to burn virtually
  42. To burn tofu, is to burn {{adv})
  43. Macbeth is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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