UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Monday, May 11, 2026, 20:31:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
2. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
3. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
4. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
5. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
6. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
7. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
8. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
9. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
10. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
11. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
12. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
13. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
14. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
15. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
16. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
17. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
18. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
19. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
20. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
21. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
22. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
23. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
24. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
25. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
26. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
27. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
28. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
29. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
30. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
31. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
32. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
33. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
34. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
35. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
36. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
37. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
38. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
39. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
40. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
41. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ affably
42. To employ fissile uranium, is to employ {{adv})
43. Chairman Mao is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.