UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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UnNews

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Wednesday, November 12, 2025, 01:13:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
2. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
3. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
4. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
5. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
6. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
7. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
8. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
9. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
10. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
11. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
12. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
13. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
14. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
15. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
16. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
17. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
18. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
19. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
20. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
21. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
22. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
23. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
24. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
25. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
26. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
27. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
28. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
29. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
30. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
31. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
32. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
33. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
34. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
35. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
36. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
37. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
38. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
39. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
40. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
41. To widen a cadaver, is to widen brazenly
42. To widen a cadaver, is to widen {{adv})
43. Strong Bad is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.