UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, December 11, 2025, 16:01:59 (UTC)
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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


The 43 Lost Proverbs[edit]

  1. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  2. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  3. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  4. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  5. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  6. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  7. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  8. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  9. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  10. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  11. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  12. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  13. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  14. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  15. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  16. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  17. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  18. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  19. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  20. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  21. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  22. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  23. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  24. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  25. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  26. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  27. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  28. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  29. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  30. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  31. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  32. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  33. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  34. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  35. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  36. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  37. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  38. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  39. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  40. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  41. To employ a cake, is to employ extremely
  42. To employ a cake, is to employ {{adv})
  43. Khan Noonien Singh is a real peach.

Sources[edit]

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes[edit]

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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