UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out

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UnNews

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Saturday, September 19, 2026, 01:51:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
2. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
3. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
4. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
5. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
6. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
7. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
8. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
9. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
10. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
11. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
12. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
13. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
14. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
15. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
16. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
17. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
18. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
19. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
20. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
21. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
22. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
23. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
24. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
25. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
26. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
27. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
28. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
29. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
30. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
31. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
32. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
33. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
34. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
35. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
36. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
37. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
38. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
39. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
40. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
41. To multiply a cow, is to multiply frantically
42. To multiply a cow, is to multiply {{adv})
43. Barack Obama is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.