UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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We distort, you deride

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UnNews

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Saturday, December 21, 2024, 17:55:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
2. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
3. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
4. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
5. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
6. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
7. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
8. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
9. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
10. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
11. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
12. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
13. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
14. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
15. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
16. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
17. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
18. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
19. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
20. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
21. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
22. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
23. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
24. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
25. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
26. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
27. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
28. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
29. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
30. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
31. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
32. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
33. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
34. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
35. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
36. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
37. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
38. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
39. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
40. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
41. To construct an oven, is to construct repulsively
42. To construct an oven, is to construct {{adv})
43. Barack Obama is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.