David James (footballer)
David Benjamin "Calamity" James (born 1 August 1970) is an English football who stands in the goal and stops the ball going in the net.
Early life[edit]
David was born through Photosynthesis in a freak Tobogganing accident, but has never regretted his decision to live. He grew up on a rough council estate in central Wigan, and was frequently shot at as a young child. Despite this he grew up to become not only a man, but quite a big man.
Club career[edit]
After an unsuccessful stint as a playmate, David James began his glittering career as a waiter at the Bristol University Student Union Bar in Bristol, where he learned his trade as not only a football, but also he learned waiting. After several years of practice, he eventually joined Liverpool FC where he made his name through a number of dreadfully bad hairstyles.
He is now playing for Portsmouth FC after his brief venture into the sport of Extreme Cross-Stitch fared badly. After a exciting first season with the South Coast team he was voted 'fans player of the year' by Portsmouth supporters. However it was recently revealed that the majority of fans believed they were actually voting for 'Hasselhoff impersonator of the year.' James was unavailable for comment.
Addiction to Tomb Raider[edit]
It is a little known fact that David James has an addiction to the popular computer game "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider". James blaims his terrible early 1990's form on this addiction. It has been recorded that James would go on stints of 120 hours of non stop gaming action between league games, stopping only to eat pepperami and drink ribena toothkind. The addiction worsened when James could not complete the final level of the game. Close friends and family feared for his life as he tried so "plug" himself into the game to "assist" Lara by shoving a scart cable up his anus and snorting a gram of Ketamin in one go. Luckily for James and his legions of fans "Gamesmaster" Patrick Moore gave him the much needed advice on how to tackle the level and the addiction slowly faded.
Trivia[edit]
- He writes a fortnightly column for teen magazine Mizz
- During the 2004 close season, James was a spy at the training camp of American football team, the Sao Paolo Dolphins, where he worked out with the team and studied their training and conditioning methods. This has led to speculation that he is keen on a dolphin after he retires.
- He was married to a Welsh wife. Then again who isn't?
- James once suffered a back injury while reaching for a television remote.
- One of his favourite hobbies is Extreme Ironing
- Contrary to reports it was actually him that was the first man on the moon.
- The film 'Batman' was reportedly based on him.
- Vidal Sassoon has denied responsibility for his many hairstyles
Quotes[edit]
“A lovely man, he stirs a good fry!”
“I'm David James, BITCH!”
“David James, Superstar, drops more shits than Grobelaar”
“Sod this, I'm going on the Playstation”
“You know, he could have been a great player, if his goals against ratio was his goals for”