Chaos theory

Chaos Theory is a scientific way of saying, "Hey, shit happens".

History

The universe is a pretty big place compared to other stuff, and if you just leave matter lying around, you never know what's going to happen. For example, given enough time, there may yet be an intelligent U.S. President. Random stuff is always going to happen, so just chill out and smoke a fatty. In fact, scientists are too busy to care about what randomness is all about, so they devised Chaos Theory.

Scientists claim that there is no real way of predicting when something random will occur. The only rational defense against randominity was developed by Albert Einstein in the late 1950s after his plate ran away with the spoon during one of his bipolar episodes. After his initial surprise, he came up with a solution, using the following equation:

E=M.C. Escher

The equation remains the only known method of dealing with chaos and randomness.

Formal definition

Chaos theory suggests that small perturbations can have large consequences.

A simple formula for chaos theory is S=Y\42x(T+V). In this equation, Y is you and the shit that has happened to you. T is the amount of time left on your clock to midnight, and V is the variable for your virginity (a virgin equaling 0 and non-virgin equaling 1). All this equals S, which is the shit that is going to happen to you in the rest of the day. For example if it's 10 pm, you're a nerd and haven't been laid, and you stubbed your toe today, the formula would yield:

S=-3\42x(10+0)

In this equation, S would equal 6, meaning 6 shitimeters (one of the standard shit measurements) of shit will happen to you in the next two hours.

Oh, and there's also this thing called the Butterfly Effect which somehow relates to the chaos theory although no one really knows how. Edward Norton Lorenz created the Effect. His last words were, "The chaos theory works", and so related his life work to the chaos theory. Just after that utterance, his head suddenly turned into a large head of cabbage.

The Butterfly Effect works because, if a butterfly flaps its wings, more shit happens. This affects the result by one shitimeter. There is a cool circly picture that looks like a butterfly that means nothing but that relates to shit. Therefore it's all connected.