Car alarm

A modern car alarm.

The car alarm is a result of 9 years of rigorous selective breeding and car organ transplants. McGregor Gendeleev discovered that parts of cars could be cut out of one car and connected up in another car and it would still work correctly.

A short history

In 1967 McGregor Gendeleev found that if a horn from a Ford Mustang was removed and reconnected in a Dodge Charger it would sound exactly like the Ford Mustang's horn while in the Dodge Charger. Similarly, if a Dodge Charger's horn was placed into the Mustang, it would sound like the Charger's unique horn. McGregor Gendeleev developed a theory that all car parts were interchangeable with each other. To test his theory he took the engine from the Ford Mustang, lifted it gently out of the engine bay and bolted it back into the Dodge. He then attempted to start the car. The engine started, but as he lifted the clutch, the car failed to move. He investigated the underside of the Dodge to find another new discovery: the drive shaft was not correctly connected to the engine. So he decided to weld the engine to the drive shaft. McGregor made a second discovery: the gear box is not meant to be welded together. With a broken Dodge, McGregor tried to do the same to the Mustang with the Dodge's old engine, this time successfully creating a working Dodge Mustang. This new discovery lead the way into a new era where cars were no longer grown on trees but built and genetically engineered.

McGregor Gendeleev then began experimenting with different car organs connecting them together in different ways. He coupled together a car horn, an ignition switch, a Sears DieHard&trade battery, a live weasel, and a megaphone. The result was an organ which gave off sound when sound was made. Modern car alarms are very similar to this primitive effort but more reliable.

Why do car alarms go off?

“The car alarm is pretty, like me”

~ Oscar Wilde

The modern car alarm is more unsophisticated than McGregor's simple effort. Nowadays car alarms go off for one of six reasons:

• The car is bemused by the situation it is in and sounds its car alarm as a last resort to threaten an enemy.
• The car is in severe pain and sends out a distress signal for help, such as when it is being broken into.
• The car's alarm is not functioning correctly, NWS (Not Working Syndrome).
• The car likes to cry "wolf" and set people on edge.
• The car feels pressured and joins in with the mating calls of all its fellows.
• The car develops abdominal pain and cries out for Alkaseltzer.
• The car is signalling for its homies.

What to do if an alarm goes off

There are several courses of action if you hear a car alarm go off:

• Panic. Something bad is obviously happening, so acting like a rabbit in the headlights is probably the best thing to do.
• Ignore it. It's just a car alarm, nothing exciting.
• Run! If you are currently crowbarring the car open, this is probably a good course of action, no time like the present.
• Smash the window, release the bonnet, cut the battery cable, then stand back and admire your handiwork.
• Crash and Burn something that is not at all related to the above subjects.

Human evolution and the car alarm

The next step in technology: The "Active Defence" alarm.

The car alarm was an advantage in 1967 as it was a distress call given out by the car that was audible to human ears. In 1986 and later, however, human evolution means that people can no longer hear a car alarm go off. Many older people still respond to car alarms in shock, whereas younger people have become immune to the sound of a car alarm. As a result, car alarms are regarded as useless noise, and in America many people are campaigning to have car alarms banned. This is pointless, as they can no longer be heard by most people; you are considered as gifted if you can hear one.