British Pastimes
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British pastimes are a good way for Britons to avoid thinking about the gradually declining imperial ex-superpower that they live in. Simple British pastimes include drinking tea, playing cricket, eating yourself silly, playing cricket, Bell Ringing, and hunting the poor. First it is best to establish all of the multitude of reasons that the British are without exception, wholly depressed, depressing fucks.
Reasons for British Pastimes[edit]
The reasons for British people's need for so many pointless and often thoroughly senseless pastimes originate from the fact that they live in a country of mildness. They could have at least got some extremes of weather, but no, it's usually some combination of grey/blue sky, fog/clarity, coldness/lukewarmness and rain/not. They neither get snow or summer, merely boring weather which is seldom fit for playing our most violent game, Cricket which is why foosball (origins: fules, middle English possesive for fool and balt, Norman for pastime) is now predominant, although eggball is on the rise in Northern parts, given that it is no more considered a nonce's sport, but now a sport involving running around in the cold, which the shitty proles approve of. So basically the British need some quintisentially British pastimes because:
- They suffer the effects of mild weather.
- They have mild/tolerant attitudes.
- They need to take our mind off these things.
- It is an easy form of class identification.
Historical British Pastimes[edit]
Back when most were poor, the average Britain's education was good enough only to teach them to walk, talk, drink and fight. So common pastimes included drinking and fighting, sometimes while walking and/or talking. The Upper classes however were having a high old time of it. Indeed, Lord Badminton invented the sport of Badminton, by hitting a cork around his dining room, while Earl Grey, Lord Herpes and Viscount Batenburg had similar great inventions. In this era, Tea was discovered in one of Earl Grey's cellars, although it was later found that the Orient made better tea, so the Orient was promptly invaded. This along with the realization that the poor and the countryside were both wholly expandable led to the pastimes fox hunting, hunting the poor, poor baiting and beating around the bush.
The Industrial Revolution[edit]
The industrial revolution or specifically the discovery of the rotation of the wheel brought extremes of class closer together. This created a new from of evil, termed [[|Bourgeoisie|the middle classes]]. These depressed, wholesome individuals were horrified at the excesses of drink and opium, so instead favoured eating yourslf silly, which has with the rise of consumerism become popular today.
Tea Drinking[edit]
for main article on Tea, see Tea, but you might as well come back straight away, cos' it's so crap..
As mentioned above, the discoverer of tea, Earl Grey, introduced tea to Britain. This spread to the rest of upper-class society, who quickly started drinking it at an alarming rate, because of its properties: that is to say that tea is mild and pointless, which makes other aspects of our cold, miserable lives seem interesting. The middle classes have since been incredibly creative in creating wholly new and exciting things to do with tea, like adding various flavas, or putting completely random herb/fruit extracts in a teabag and pretending that it's tea.
Tea was originally used as a primary ingredient in sheep-dips and pig-swill, but some oik was persuaded by an aristocrat to try some, and it all took off from there on the discovery that tea tasted almost as bland as most of the aristocrats.
Modern pastimes[edit]
Modern pastimes usually include anything that comes under the category of being bitter about your own country. Anything from claiming that the Roman Empire was the true British Empire to finally coming to the exception that the English Football team shall never beat the German football team for a long while.
The Point of Cricket[edit]
Cricket is a deathmatch sport, played with thick spars of wood, called bats. The act of hitting another player is known as "getting wood". There is no official start and no definite end, but the game is possibly the most exciting Britain has ever created.
It is a fact that we stole the game off the American game faceball, where players aim a small leather ball at each other's heads. It is also a well known fact that Lacrosse is blatantly not a real sport and that Squash is obviously a fruit.