Bongos and Crisco
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“this song is a cover of a middle school drop outs song, who was covering judas priest, who stole it from black sabbath, who stole it from led zeppelin, who stole it from black people. but blacks would never have made the blues if we didn't make them so depressed so that means its our song.”
Bongos and Crisco is a North Carolina music trio under the genre of "Luck Rock". Luck rock is a form of improvisational rock where the crowd is lucky if the band plays something enjoyable, or can't play. The band formed in June 14th, 1997 when Waffles kidnapped Crisco and Bongos and 'force fed them truth with a turkey baster of liberty'. Since then, all of them have been avidly political.
Members[edit]
No one knows the band member's real names, they all claim that 'Bongos, Crisco, and Waffles' are their real names. Only idiots believe that. Some believe they are demigods who were sent to earth to be dicks.
Vortniploodge[edit]
I wont' even bother to listen to this band. Do you want to know why? It's because I'd rather be pissing, I'd rather be pissing anywhere, on a train, out of a truck, in the backseat of a moving car, while riding a motorcycle. I guess I just fancy pissing while in a moving vehicle, it's much better in many ways.
Bongos and Crisco suck.
Origin[edit]
The origin of the name 'Bongos and Crisco' is mostly a mystery although there are several myths. The band has never commented on their name.
Myths[edit]
Roulette: because of the association with gambling and the band, some think that, in a game of Russian Roulette Bongos' buddy blew bits of his head off and when the blood settled on the ground he said "Hey, cool, that looks like bongos drums." Crisco then said "oh and look, that stuff around his face looks like crisco".
Liberals: Bongos, Crisco, and Waffles are three terms often associated with liberals. To 'waffle' means for someone to flip flop, or Kerry. Crisco is grezzy, and liberals often slip on the issues from side to side. Bongo drums only make two noises, just like liberals: they can complain and bitch.
Skateboarding: It is known that only hardcore skaters use derivatives of the slang terms Bongos, Crisco, and Waffles. Bongos: a trick in which the skateboarder plays fake bongos on the skateboard in mid air while their hair catches on fire, and then lands back on the board. Criscoing: when someone rubs lard or another lubricant all over their body and afterwards someone else uses them as a skateboard. Waffles: scabs that are found at skate parks because of skaters being injured while attending.
Curse: An evil witch from Kernersville made the Skies rain down kerns on every word not used by Bongos and Crisco.
Physical attributes: Bongos has biceps that sound like drums when played on. Crisco has very dirty, greasy skin. Waffles has abs that look like waffles.
Scrabble: A game of Scrabble brought the words together.
D&D In Waffles "wild years" he was a avid D&D-er. In one of his early campaigns he was in the town of Wafflington battling a mighty Orc Warlord, name Criscoian The Barbarian, who was quickly depleting Waffle's mage character's health. Luckily for waffles in a previous quest he obtain an enchanted rune of music. His mage rubbed the stone for his life until the rune summoned a mighty bard who played the bongos. The bards playing raised the mage's agility up a whole 7 points, and was able to out run the orc.
Luck and Unluck Rock[edit]
Bongos and Crisco is most famous for trademarking 'Luck rock'. Luck Rock is when a band plays random notes until something good comes out, and when that happens they relearn it, change all the parts, and make it different with the same name. The name 'luck rock' came from crowds being 'lucky' if the sound was enjoyable, or mediocre. Because of the luck aspect fans often gamble during shows, they have been known to lose their savings, cars, and one case of loss of virginity, luckily the woman, "Lucky Lucy" as she was nicknamed, won her virginity back during a performance of the infamous song 'The Baby Who Drinks Bathroom Cleaner'.
There are several spin offs of "luck rock" Unluck rock: Famous for not requiring any luck... or skill; Duck Rock: which involves bands with all ducks, the fans are hunters, and shoot the band on stage. Luckcore: which is a heavier less desirable form of luck rock, the fans have been known to 'hardcore shoot' which involves fans playing craps witch explosive dice that do karate kicks.
The Band[edit]
Bongos takes stances on issues of LHS (Left Handed Syndrome) and is quoted as saying "Port Siders are filthy, they take all our arm rests, and make themselves look like the victims". He is also anti umbrella saying "It is against God's will, if he wanted sun or rain there, he would put it there; umbrellas are an abomination." Tends to be over critical of Crisco, whom he views as a younger version of himself. As an avid PETA member, he only wears fur coats that are covered in blood. Is believed to be the originator of the knee five.
Crisco has his own foundation "Crisco Cares for the Apathetic". Crisco is an avid apathetic and thinks that apathy is important in the world, saying "I want everyone to hear me when I say nothing, I want everything done for me, correctly. If it's not I will complain and if it is done poorly I will ask why, my lack of caring should be cared for by someone else." He also owns every toy in the world and with the "Free(crappy/boring) Toys Foundation", gives all of the o]]nes he doesn't want to Waffles and poor kids. In addition to free toys, he gives operations to correct LHS by removing the left hand and forcing the use of the right hand. Crisco has been known to yell "ANARCHY" in public bathrooms when there are long lines. He has been known to sell his pubic hair as wigs and use 10% of profits for hair restoration therapy.
Waffles wants to free Tibet. He is a pacifist with a temper. He has contributed 70% of his income to The Little Donny Foundation; he claims to share little Donny's disorder, but most just say he is cocky. He thinks LHS is an abominable snowman. In his free time he beats elephants into painting pictures for Cambodian children. Has 3 illegitimate children; Huey, Dewey, and Lewey. Enjoys protesting and throwing the sharpened pickets into the crowd. His favorite pastime is blowing bubbles into small children's eyes.
Influences[edit]
Bongos and Crisco is famous for blaming their influences when they play a terrible song.
Donkey punch Stephen Colbert Stephen Lynch The Upright Citizens Brigade Satiritas Abraham Lincoln (Pre-Theater days) Tenacious D Steve Irwin John Wilkes Booth(Theater days) Milk(chunky style) Milli and Vanilli Dethklok Melvin Scarlet strife
Set list[edit]
- Punk Song
- Kidney Stone Train Blues
- Worshiping Christ
- The Truther
- Die Die My Bassist
- Napalm baby
- Sweating Bullets
- The Baby Who Drinks Bathroom Cleaner
- I'm In Love With Reid!!!
- Sneak Song