The Red Button
“Button is as button does, sir.”
“Hahuh! Whoops!”
“If I were to push this what do you think would happen to YOU my dear Watson?”
“In Soviet Russia, Red Buttons push YOU!”
The Red Button can be found on ordinary television remote controls and Mario Lopez's nipples. However, its notoriety stems from its presence on the infamous Universal Remote Control 3000, the world's first Real Life channel changer. The main capability of the red button is that it allows the user to gain a wealth of statistics and information (porn!) on any subject or object at which the remote is pointed.
Note: performing the following actions using a regular remote's red button can have varied consequences, ranging from being laughed at and ridiculed to being smacked round the head by a large fat man.
Information[edit]
Although the red button is only available in certain areas, Istanbul, South America, Prussia, South Korea, Australia, Monoco, Jamaca, Ireland, New Jersey, Mexico, Idaho, Spain, and Taco Bell. When the ability to 'press red' appears (in the form of a small, circular red symbol just above and to the right of your line of sight), the user can access a variety of facts and figures (NAKED CHICKS). A selection of these is shown as follows.
On Individuals[edit]
- Current Employment. This includes an interactive CV which makes searching for potential Prostitutes easier for employers and makes spotting off-duty Gay police officers a piece of cake. You can also take the Eggs out of tax collectors and Microsoft workers. Mind you, it's not as if you need further information to spot one...
- Bank and credit card details. Has obvious advantages.
- What they had for breakfast. Useful in that you know which people had kippers for breakfast so you can avoid their foul smelling breath and super long armpit hair.
On vehicles[edit]
- Cost, top speed, miles on clock etc. Very helpful in selecting appropriate getaway vehicles after you have just robbed a bank.
- Current owner(s). Again, it's obviously much easier to steal an old person's vehicle as they won't put up much of a fight. Beware of the stench of cigarette smoke and second-hand tissues stuffed down the sides of the seats.
- Contents of the glove compartment. Not that useful, you might think. But you are forgetting that de-icer can be a useful weapon in fending off Rabies infested deer should they appear. Also, that squashed Mars Bar and half a can of Cancer could save your life in escpecially long police chases.
- Security levels.
Other uses[edit]
- Food. As well as nutrition information, will tell you if it is likely to come to life and kill you. I bet those people from Attack of the Killer Tomatoes wish they had this then, eh?
- Online purchasing. If you're out for a walk in the middle of nowhere and fancy a packet of gay , you can order some Wosits from ASSDA's online shop. It'll take two days to arrive and cost you a blowjob, but who cares? You don't need to go to the shop for it!
- Football Hooliganism. Presents you with a wide range of weapons for your next attack, including large bricks, sticks with nails in and bottles of beer. Also gives you very helpful information on positions of police officers using TomTom technology.
- When Launching ICBMs. Certain people can press a special kind of red button, one that is covered by glass and is surrounded with pretty yellow-and-black decorations. This kind of button causes the celebration called Doomsday to start.
It's worth remembering that the red button can be used whenever the red symbol appears. Try walking down your local high street with the remote outstretched. Sometimes even mundane objects such that old banana peel as can be made much more interesting with a bit of background information...
