The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything

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The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything is a rather large, mysterious button in cyberspace. Some say the button does not actually exist, rather it is a mythical concept which can have applications in all areas of modern life. Others say it was made up by sad geeks with too much time on their hands and recent research has proven this to be the more likely option. However, a number of hardcore Internet aficionados still resiliently believe in the mystical philosophy of The Button.


The Button's name suggests that nothing happens if it is pressed, though not everyone actually knows for sure if this is true. Legend has it that anyone who has done so becomes yet one more victim of absolutely nothing at all.

Another theory states that the very act of pressing The Button alters the entirety of space and time in a fundamental way. This means the universe is completely different after The Button was pressed, the effect goes back through the recollection of everyone within the universe. In fact, it is plausible that every time The Button is pressed the very fabric of reality is stretched ever more thinly so that one day the space-time continuum will snap like a rubber band stretched too tight, and not only will nothing exist, but nothing will ever have existed.

Some claim that it has, in fact, destroyed the entire webpage, but then recreated it exactly as it was before right away, but this is of course ridiculous.

It is probably more likely that nothing happens, however.

Historical Context[edit]

Rumours surrounding The Button began to emerge around the time the Internet was invented. Conversations in pub toilets and chip shops worldwide inevitably circulated:

Hey, have you seen that button? You know, the really big one?
Yeah, it's like, awesome. did you press it?
No, of course not. I heard this one guy went to press it but had nothing done to him upon touching it.
Whoa, dude...

Or as one user suggested upon hearing about it:

I haven't even looked at the page and I WANT TO PUSH THE BUTTON!!!!!! LET ME PRESS IT!!!!

The Button's mystique saw its number of followers grow and grow. By 1996, it is estimated over 500,000 people had visited the site of the Great Button, creating shrines and organizing communal chanting in Ancient Leet.

Surprisingly, however, it is thought that at this time very few people, if anyone, actually pressed it.

Present day cultural influence[edit]

Few corners of civilization have escaped the fear, worship, or open contempt for The Button. In shopping malls, governmental buildings, and even on street corners next to cigarette machines, terminals and screens have been set up specifically to present passer-bys the opportunity to press the Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything. People decorate these spots with flowers and the now-traditional Teddy Bears, because of that 17-year old in Tasmania who drew The Button on her tee-shirt. Still, few, if any, people walk up to the terminal, pick up a mouse or rub that built-in doohickey that often erases large sections of print when you try to capitalize "B", and press it.

People occasionally pass along rumors of somebody's cousin's friend's hairdresser's daughter who actually pushed The Button, and these rumors are ripe with anticipation. Yet even the most anticipated rumors of the year, the celebrity rumors, always end with the same words: "It didn't do anything."

Yearly "Bummer" parades in Glasgow, Berlin, and in the glorious San Fernando Valley attract millions of people who didn't press The Button but hope to someday, when they know more about it, or throw caution to the wind and go for it.

See Also[edit]

  • The Red Button. Access a wealth of information on almost anything with the simple press of a button.
  • Jenson Button. Another big red button that doesn't actually do anything.
  • iBauer Numerous buttons that can be used to save the world.