Barry Ferguson

Barry Ferguson is the third in a series of practical jokes played on scotland by their arch nemisis, God.

Early life

Barry Rab Archie Ferguson was born on 29 February 1992 to Senga McSenga in "Hamilton", another name for Glasgow's knuckle dragging section. As per Glasgow knuckle dragger custom, the father was unknown, so a name for the child was drawn from a hat and handed to Glasgow's one literate person, Jimmy Krankie, to read.

Ferguson quickly mastered the nuckle draggers main trades - vandalism, begging for money on Union Street, stabbing people and shoplifting. On his fifth trip to Barlinnie he was scouted by Ally McCoist after having been seen booting a man's skull around the cafeteria. He was quickly bailed and taken to Ibrox, the Rangers stadium.

There is also the rumour that Fergusons faither is a pigeon, due to the fact he struts around the pitch and puffs out his chest like a pigeon.

And this is a load of [-shit]].

Pre-transfer career

Ferguson was given the difficult job of warming the Rangers bench, which he adapted to quickly, ousting Kenny Miller, the previous head bench-warmer and the only person in the Rangers squad who could understand Ferguson's squeaky and goblinoid ned-ese. The two would be friends until both left for the English Premiership, at which point the two became bitter rivals for the position of best-paid ned in sport. (Rangers reserves receive only Buckfast in compensation.)

Ferguson was placed on the transfer list after attempting to down a bottle of Dick Advocaat in one go. Blackburn Rovers reportedly paid fifty shekels for the privilege.

Premiership

Rovers had failed to take into account that neds are a different breed of animal to chavs. With no translators who could understand him, Ferguson found himself completely alienated from his team. This made it difficult to integrate him, though he did score a double hat-trick against Accrington Stanley and according to Rangers fans received over 2 million man of the match awards during his brief spell there.

Return to Rangers

Rangers signed Ferguson in 2005 on a free transfer. One week later, Ferguson made history by being the first ned to actually earn a wage (the language barrier at Blackburn meant that Ferguson's gesticulations for cash had gone unrecognised, forcing him to revert to his instincts and stab grannies for their life savings).

After having solved Rangers' financial problems by robbing the Clydesdale Bank on George Street with a paper bag over his head, Ferguson was made captain of the squad. This automatically qualified him for being Scotland captain, as the SFA is run by huns.

It has also been confirmed that he has been bitched twice in the one season on a football field. Once at Mordor by the Big modell with the flowing locks, Georgios Samaras, when wee Barry shat himself The other being at Hampden in the League Cup Final by that man the Orc's can not stand and can not put down no matter what they try, Neil Lennon

After so very unfairly being dropped for the scotland team for one match after going on an 8 hour drinking binge with Allan "party animal" McHun, the two bright lads accused decided, using typical hun reasoning, that their response would be to "sit on the bench and give ra fingurrs to them kafflicks on the pitch, thatl show em". The SFA, being, of course Kafflick haters of teh peepil involved in a papal conspiracy against Rangers, banned the two from ever playing for scotland again. Feeenyan basturts

Quitting Scotland

Ferguson quit the as Scotland captain as George Burley would rather have sexual relations with Celtic players than Rangers players. Ferguson and his lover Alan McGregor instead drunk too much Buckfast, give Burley the V-sign and quit Scotland all together. Since Ferguson has developed a Welsh accent and trying to become the new Welsh captain.

Parenthood

Ferguson hasnt got children that i am aware of because he takes it up the arse. The rumours that he has gotten Susan Boyle up-the-duff have been provided to be false as Ferguson has no balls.

7UP

He also has a fear of abnormally large cans of 7UP