“I ate some banana bread once. Never again. I woke up in Nebraska!”
Banana bread is the only substance known to have been created by the Devil during his brief stay at Pillsbury.
Banana bread resembles normal bread, just with a slight hint of yellow. Despite our survival response to avoid anything that looks normal but has a slight hint of yellow, banana bread has slipped under our natural defenses and into mainstream society.
Banana Bread has been classified as Bread, not a Cake, ever since the Baker's Union meetup of 1812. It is meant to be eaten warm, and with butter. All other methods of eating were determined to be unlawful and against the Baker's Code.
How it was created
A parchment found in Pillsbury castle under an oven mitt, and signed by the Pillsbury Dough Boy, admitting that he and Diablo joined forces to create banana bread.
Dough Boy, a well known Satanist, came in under the radar on this one.
There are several recorded side effects of consuming Banana Bread. The most famous is "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING IN YOUR HEAD!".
After eating banana bread, the first symptoms include losing the ability to look right and left (caused by the bread forming blinders on the side of your skull), then a horrible, bloodcurdling pain on the crown of your head. For the next few weeks you will get some strange looks in the street, as you now have a full size banana disappearing inside your brain. This explains the origin of the well-known phrase "top banana". It is also related to skull-fucking, a phenomena exclusive to primates. The minute you hit week 10 you will technically die, but the banana in your head will continue to control your actions and movements.
Here are a few steps you can take to avoid contracting the side effect:
- Step 1: Do not eat Banana Bread
- Step 2: Do not become sidetracked by eating more Banana Bread
- Step 3: Upon noticing the first symptom, have a friend or relative peel and then eat the banana in your head.
The original recipe appeared in the witchcraft edition of "Delia Cooks", and is reprinted here:
You will need:
- Three Bananas
- Lots of wheat flour
- Essence of the Fire Lord
- Eye of Newt
- Toe of Frog
- 2 cups Sugar
- 1 cup Rasberry Yogurt
- 1 cup Monkey Semen
- Enchant your Mashing implement with the Essence of the Fire Lord, and mash the bananas using a satanic motion.
- Add the mashed bananas into the ready mixed bread ingredients and mix until it combusts. Balance the newt eye, face up, on the top of the mixture.
- Once the mixture is coated with tears, let the mixture soak for 10 minutes in the yogurt and monkey semen.
- Add sugar to taste, and pour into a ready greased, oven proof tin.
- Bake for 45 minutes.
- Serve buttered with Tea.
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