Awkward Moments

“Kinda like the time when you walked in on me and your dad.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Awkward moments

“ ...”

~ Transcript of a typical awkward silence.

They are usually created when someone is misunderstood, but is purely the fault of the offended person with sensitive feelings. Efforts to eliminate awkward moments were attempted by Germans during WWII (War-toendall Wars 2) by getting rid of the source of the problem, that is the minorities. Naturally they misunderstood this view as hateful, and instinctively did their best (to no avail)to make things very awkward for the soldiers pulling them out of their homes.

• Awkward moments were recently ranked third (losing only to racism, and body odor) in reasons why white people don't hire anyone but themselves. So if you're a minority, don't create these situations, you're only hurting yourself. And honestly, do you think we care enough about you to change ourselves?

For the douches...

If you want to create an awkward moment, you suck. but here's some basic starters. Try an awkward conversation. There are two necessary levels to forming an awkward moment, one requires a person to ask, do, or say something stupid. However, the most important ingredient for an awkward moment is the observer. If he laughs, it might as well have never existed, but if he looks on with puzzlement, disbelief, or anger, he can prolong the length of the moment indefinitely. An excellent example of this effect was created by virtually all Black People in America when (according to CNN) Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott told a 200 year old man (in slave years) who was a slave trader, a plantation owner, and a Republican, that The Cosby Show was overrated. He was immediately stared down by Jesse Jackson and every other black man he met until he apparently committed suicide through a combination of drive by shooting wounds, and kicking himself to death. Some say he is still being stared down in heaven, but that would require that black people can get into Heaven. HAHAHA!haha... oh, not so much... awkward... I will now deftly change the subject and offer some basic Awkwardness starting ideas.

• For women say "I love you" to a man to whom you are neither related nor married.
• For men, answer, "Everybody loves Fast Ed", "Oh,...crap.", or "I Love...cake..." (yes, Eric Foreman, we all do)
• Um, does this, like, make my butt look big? (Again, to a man neither a blood relative nor wedded to you (other wives and spouses never fail to provide the best response).)
• MEN, THIS IS YOUR CUE to watch your own fat ass. There are different opinions on the size and texture of a proper bottom, but girls usually take pride in a medium size-small one that is in good shape. This idea does not apply to coloreds, but since I have probably already frightened minorities away with the first three sentences of my text, aim low honkey.
• "Is she prettier than me?"
• Anything but:
• No, she is ugly and fat and I would not have even realized she was a woman if you hadn't told me".
• Well...
• Not on a good day.
• From the neck down...
• Ehh...
• Do you mean the one with the nice rack, or the nice butt?
• "I'll tell you after I see her naked."
• Eww, no!! She's awful! OH, you mean the one on the right... Yeah, a little...

Awkward Situations

Lets see if you can tell which of these situations is the most awkward.

• A. Getting a girl's hair stuck in your zipper fly.
• B. Its A you idiot. If you could possibly imagine something worse than that edit my page.
• C. Editing! Have an unzipped fly while free balling it and a chick you like sees your junk
• D. Getting a guy's hair stuck in your zipper fly. (That would be worse)

Awkward Pauses in Conversation

........................................................ (WANKS FURIOUSLY)

What can I do to eliminate awkwardness?

• Wear sweatpants on a first date, or anything without zippers. (But only if your date is a total whore, because you certainly won't be getting anything otherwise.)
• Hatefulness-Stay away from people who are offended by you, or preferably, make them stay away from you. Offensive statements are only awkward when you're not trying to be hateful. If you say something that is offensive, instead of caring about the persons feelings, why not take it to the next level! This will make them think the original awkward moment was not a blunder but a purposefully hateful comment, making you look like more mean and less stupid.
• Do what ever the other person expects. If he says a joke that is racist (offensive to those of a certain race), sexist (offensive to women), sexual-identityist (offensive to fags or dikes), racistist (offensive to racists), just laugh as if it doesn't bother you. Store up the pain, let it sit in your heart like a ton of lead until you're alone... completely...alone.