A Tourist's Guide for Australia

REALLY Early Australia

Australia is a big piece of rock and stuff. It sticks out of the Pacific Ocean on the bottom of the planet. It was the first piece of land that rose above the water. This was about 450 million years ago. Since then not much else has happened.

Prehistoric Fauna

Australia became temporarily infested with dinosaurs. This occurred somewhere between when the land popped out of the ocean and now. Most of them are gone now. The remainder roam parliament house in Canberra.

Most people wonder how they got on that island in the middle of a bloody great ocean in the first place. One school of thought has been postulated that they waded over.

The whole hypothesis goes like this: They have noticeably long legs and could have done it at low tide. The sharks would have left them alone. That's because Dinosaurs are really big and would have beaten the shit out of any shark that attacked them, came on to their girl friend or gotten too rowdy after a few drinks (which happened frequently because sharks live in the ocean).

This hypothesis was really gaining a following until some guy (he had come to the party late from work and wasn’t pissed yet) pointed out that dinosaur legs were a couple of metres long at most. The ocean is several kilometres deep. The rugby started about then so everybody forgot about this anyway.

Another idea was that they flew over. All the dinosaur bones found in Australia are smaller and punier than elsewhere. Weight restrictions were probably an issue.

The long and the short of it is that they are nearly all dead now and the ones who are left aren’t talking.

After the dinosaurs carked it, other animals arrived. We don’t know how they got there either. After the negative reception I got with the Dinosaur-wading thing, what’s the point?. Let somebody else come up with their own bloody theory!

Modern Fauna

Australia is home to animals not found anywhere else. This is mainly because they are in Australia at the moment. That is why you can’t find them elsewhere. Duh!

Many of these animals are unique to Australia. These include the very dangerous Drop Bear and Hoop Snake. All these animals are deadbeats that have never worked a day in their life.

The best place to see an Australian animal is on the roads. If you want to see something without tire marks then you will have to look a whole lot harder!

Indigenous People

About 50,000 years ago a bunch of people from somewhere else decided to move there. Housing prices were low back then.

I’m just quoting some scientists here on the 50,000 – just like the 450 million. Those guys think they are so smart. Just because they went to University and didn’t take commerce or education they think they know everything.

These indigenous people settled in happily. Successive waves of these guys came down from somewhere else. They all did what humans do best: they kicked the crap out of anybody they found weaker than them. Alternatively, they ran away from anybody who would put up a fight. Soon the whole continent was populated.

These people fought each other using rocks and pointy sticks. Remember kids, this is great fun until somebody loses an eye. Stay in school!

The Brits better known as The Pommies stumbled over Australia and decided to claim it as their own. They tried hard to avoid many of the troubles that other nations experience with their indigenous populations. They did this by killing them off at every opportunity. Despite the fact that they were very good at doing this some of the buggers got away.

Things have tightened up a bit since the early days. You can only shoot aborigines at random if you are an officer of the law. Otherwise you need a license. Tourists can apply for one at the Australian consulate closest to their home.

The Convict Era

The Pommies were experiencing a crime wave of staggering proportions back in the eighteenth century. This is remarkably similar to the one they have right now. There were a number of reasons for this. The principal one was as follows. There had not been a plague for a bit and the population was growing. England is about the size of a #10 envelope so this made it cramped for space. To top it off, nobody showered back then either. The place smelt like arse pickle!

These horrendous conditions were made worse because there was nothing on television back then. Even if there was, nobody had one. People had to do other things to take their minds off the crappy conditions they were in.

Being Pommies, they spent a lot of time remembering past glories. After a while this got boring and most of them decided to do something naughty.

The police did their best but they only caught the slow and the stupid. Soon the prisons were overflowing. Something had to be done!

Australia had just been “discovered”. The suggestion was made that all the people who hadn’t been caught yet would migrate from rainy, cramped England to sunny, broad Australia. The convicts would be left behind.

Everyone, except the convicts, thought this was a fabulous idea. They put the whole process into the hands of a parliamentary committee. Next thing everybody knew was that the committee screwed the whole thing up and, tickle my arse with a feather, the convicts were being sent to sunny Australia. Everybody else was left to stew in England!

The convicts had to sit in a wooden ship for six months. Apart from being someone’s bitch and the scurvy it wasn’t too bad. After that, it was all sun, surf and topless beaches.

After a while, everybody got tired of the whole convict thing, especially when Australia started breeding their own. The whole thing stopped a couple of years ago, I think.

Modern Australia

Most Australians live around the edge of Australia’s beautiful coastline. This makes it easier to dump all of their industrial and faecal waste. Australians produce a lot of faecal waste!

Local Diet

The local diet consists mainly of human flesh and souls. Souls must be eaten from birth. Though on rare occasion they will eat a chocolate bunny. Chocolate bunnies are a rare delicacy and are only found in the spring humping in the outback. So many of the locals just rely on the flesh and souls previosly mentioned.

Beer and Wine

Australians are proud of their beer. It’s okay I suppose. I’ve had better. After three though who cares where it comes from? The wine is good though. Some faggots say it’s too alcoholic and plummy. What would they know? One thing’s for sure. It always tastes better when someone else is buying.

Cities

The capital city of Australia is called Canberra. Other cities are Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, Brisbane and Perth. A few people live inland in small towns but they are generally inbred and have six fingers. Normal people do not go there. On the other hand if you think that you will end up squealing like a pig if you do take a jaunt there then you will be disappointed.

Sports

Australians are a great sporting nation. They are renowned for sitting in the pub or on their couch and watching sports all day. Just put a beer in their hand and she’ll be right, mate. If it’s test cricket then you had better make that a whole lot of beer.

Australians are proud of how well they perform at the Olympics. An Australian may be a flabby bloke with a massive beer gut who hasn’t got it up for a year. Somehow, winning a gold in an event, any event, makes him feel better about himself.

Of course the Pommies are even more pathetic. They are only happy if they beat the Australians. They are still pissed off about the parliamentary committee screw up, I expect.

Australian Women

These fall into two categories. Firstly, there are the sexually liberated ones who have absolutely no problem with pre-marital sex. Secondly, there are the ones I dated.

Visiting Australia

Please! They need the money.

Getting There

You could try wading over. Not a good idea. Swimming probably wouldn’t work either. Most people fly in. The vast majority of these use an “aeroplane” to do this.

Visas

It used to be that most people needed visas to get in. Nobody knows why. Right now you can probably get by if you make up your own. Just get a crayon and make one up. Better still bring money. Lots of money.

What to do when you get there

Spend your money! Please!

Falling off

Some tourists are concerned that they will fall off the planet because they are upside down. Don’t worry. You will be issued a pair of velcro-soled shoes at the airport.

Getting to New Zealand

If you want to go to New Zealand from Australia, you will have to remember a couple of things.

You can’t take a bridge to Aukland from Sydney. It isn’t going to be finished for a bit. New Zealand have been involved on a joint project with Australia on this. Australia started building it’s half of the bridge. New Zealand is busily constructing a tunnel.

Independent engineers have pointed out the problems that might occur with this arrangement. The incumbent politicians have decided to continue, citing funding restrictions. Everyone does agree, however, that this will be one of the Wonders of the modern world when complete.

You will find the place strangely empty when you get there as well. That’s because the Kiwis have all moved to Australia.