Assume

“I assume a great deal...”

~ Noel Coward on Assumption

“When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Assumption

“But when assumptions are sometimes true. Then you're the ass, not me. ”

~ Bryan Yeo on Assumption

“When you assume correctly, the ass is not u, but me.”

~ Gerard Caulfield on Assumption

The word Assume comes from the latin words ass, u and me, and, according to ancient scholars, its meaning, roughly translated is "to make an ass out of u and me". Popular idioms have lent to the idea of capitalization of some of these words, to draw greater emphasis towards them. For example, it is sometimes spelled as ASSume, to emphasize the importance of the word "ass" in the equation.

1997 updated definition

In 1997, the internet scholar known as Flying Cockroach determined that the word was in fact not derived from latin, but was in fact derived from the ancient language of sarcasian, which has very different meanings.

In sarcasian, the words define as follows:

ass - from the sarcasian arse meaning "he with great skill"

u - from the sarcasian hey you meaning "come here"

me - from the sarcasian me? meaning "yes you"

Thus, put together the word means, "he with great skill who is asked to come here, yes". Roughly translated this can be interpreted as "a talented person who is needed desperately". Thus whenever you "assume" something, you are in fact asking for someone to help you out with something of great difficulty.

Dispute to 1997 updated definition

In 1999, the internet philosopher known as Whatcha Talkin Bout determined that the word was not based on sarcasian at all, as it had failed to acknowledge the missing "e" and "r" in "arse", the ? in "me?" and that the "u" part was misinterpreted entirely. Whatcha Talkin Bout thus recommended the use of the original latin text, defined as follows:

ass - from the latin "to make an idiot out of"

u - from the latin "you"

me - from the latin "and me"

Thus, put together the word means, "to make an idiot out of you and me". Roughly translated this can be interpreted as "a stupid thing to do".

2000 Congress decision on the 1997 updated definition

After much debate throughout the internet, Al Gore, who allegedly had created the internet, made a submission to the United States Congress that they were required to make a final statement about what the word truly means.

After deliberation, the US Congress determined that the word actually meant "to decide on something without proper evidence". They determined this without any actual evidence at all, and just decided. They also decided that Al Gore didn't invent the internet at all.

2002 public outcry

In 2002, internet chat sites the world over reacted to the word's definition with internet banners all over MySpace, LiveJournal, Blogger and even some personal web pages to petition for which version they most liked, and asking for a more definitive decision.

Relationship to 2007 elections

In late 2007, two new parties emerged seeking election in the United States Congress. The parties called themselves the "Assume is idiotic" party and the "Assume is asking for experts" party. Flying Cockroach represented the "Assume is idiotic" party, while Watcha Talkin Bout represented the "Assume is asking for experts" party.

Based on no evidence whatsoever, experts determined that neither party were likely to get any votes at all, and it is likely that this is entirely a hoax that was drummed up on some joke web site.

Notes

Remember: When you 'assume', you'll make an ass out of you and me! "ass" "u" "me".