Apple Jacks

"Apple Jacks" is the street name for the disease caused by the rare infectious bacterium Appleticus jackofficoccus.

History

Creation

The bacterium was created genetically by Dr. Will Keith Kellogg after several months confined in his laboratory, which was formerly the handicapped-accessible stall in the girls' bathroom at the University at Michigan.

First Outbreak

It has been rumored that Johnny Appleseed bought a petri dish of 105.6 bacteria at a price of $0.1056 (the eleventh penny was sliced into twenty-five pieces, and 14 of them were given to Kellogg). Appleseed then bred a mutated apple plant that could host the Apple Jacks without dying.

Transmission

There are several documented ways in which the Apple Jacks bacteria may spread.

Consumptual Transmission

A person may obtain Apple Jacks by comsuming an apple that has been bred with the bacteria, although this type of apple breeding has been outlawed in many countries including United States of America, Morocco and Afghanistan.

Respiratory Transmission

There have also been a few cases where a patient contracted Apple Jacks by breathing in gaseous apple particles present in the atmosphere.

Sexual Transmission

The most common type of transmission is through heterosexual intercourse. Scientists have deduced that the pH difference between a man's penis and a woman's vagina results in a spontaneous production of the Apple Jacks bacterium during orgasm.

Masturbatory Transmission

Also, if a person masturbates while simultaneously eating an apple, there is a 15-75% chance (which increases proportionally to arousal level) of developing Apple Jacks.

Symptoms

Symptoms of Apple Jacks include:

• Production of breast milk
• Circular rings of pus on the face
• Itching sensation in pubic area
• Bowel constipation

Prevention

The Taste Test sponsored by Apple Computers

It has been speculated that apples which contain the Apple Jacks disease do not taste like apples. Therefore, if you encounter an apple with a suspicious taste, immediately send it to Steve Jobs for informational analysis of the genetic composition.

Condomless Sex

Condoms have been found to increase the rate at which the Apple Jacks bacterium propagates through the body. As a result, it is recommended by the Food and Drug Administration that heterosexual intercourse with a condom should be avoided as much as possible.

Cure

Cyanide Flushing

The most effective method of curing Apple Jacks to date is an intricate process called cyanide flushing. If a patient of Apple Jacks drinks two liters of cyanide, the symptoms disappear temporarily, leaving the patient in a state of paralysis for an unknown period of time. Also, it is unknown whether transmission is possible after cyanide flushing.