Antifrictional force

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Antifrictional force.

The antifrictional force is the force exerted by the ether on an object. The name is a misnomer, as the force actually has nothing to do with friction. It was named this by some wise guy a while back. Like so many other things, we are stuck with this historical anomaly. It was necessary to introduce this force because of Newton's second law.

The antifrictional force explains why objects travelling through space do not slow down.

The Boring Description[edit]

The antifrictional force is always directed the same way as the object's velocity. The effects of the ether are dampened by large masses in the vicinity of the object. Thus objects near the Earth's surface experience little antifrictional force. Objects actually touching others are very close and so experience a very very weak antifrictional force. Due to an extraordinary coincidence, an object not in the presence of large masses experiences an antifrictional force equal in magnitude to the frictional constant. This explains why an object in space experiences constant velocity.

The more funny part of this article[edit]

First, some history, which will turn into rambling. A long time ago, hot air balloons were invented, making use of a concept called "air". However, air does not exist. Why then do hot air balloons work? This question puzzled scientists, politicians, and Homer Simpson. It was eventually realized that the very same force as described in this article is responsible. Shortly after it was first postulated by Winston Churchill in 1947, Silenus found something startling.

It was like this. Gravity tries to pull the balloon down, but due to general relativity, and the material from which hot air balloons are made, the object tries to move up. This causes the friction to be directed unupward (called by laymen "downward"). So we have gravity + friction unupward and relativity + antifrictional force (which is damped in the presence of Earth, see description) upward. The net result is basically no motion! Actually, it causes a vibration up and down, which can make noise. This is why hot air balloons are used in radios. (When hot air balloons need to go up or down, they change shape and cause net motion. Yeah.)

Second, I am running a research facility to investigate the antifrictional force. To donate, send $1013 to:

9376 Synergy Avenue
Frazzled, Elbonia
Somewhere in Africa

See also[edit]