668 (neighbor of the beast)

“The Neighbour of the Beast?!?! That's better than anything we've come up with!!”

~ Iron Maiden, jealous they didn't think of it first

668 is the neighbor of the beast as stated by Paul Green in the movie Rock School. Contrary to popular belief, the inhabitant of 668 is a middle aged man named Carl who refuses to sell his house despite generous offers from Aleister Crowley, Ozzy Osbourne, Jimmy Page, Marilyn Manson, Boyd Rice or various other Satanists. Carl doesn't want to move away. He likes his house. He just wishes the Satans next door could be more like his neighbors at 667 across the street or the Johnsons down the road at 664, they seem like nice people. Carl has made several calls to the Satans requesting they stop the screaming and sounds of anguish he hears, also he asks if they could do something about the smell of brimstone that constantly pours from the house. His calls are unsuccessful and Lucifer Satan replies with an irate "DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM?!?!?!?!" then curtly hangs up. Carl finds this very rude. He has called the police several times, and the homeowners association as well, but they have a nasty habit of bursting into flames when they reach the property. Carl is very tired of his neighbors. Carl needs a nap.

The Day of the Big Game

One Superbowl Sunday, Carl invited all of his neighbors, including Satan, into his living room to watch the big game. He served spicy chicken wings along with potato chips, a cheese and cracker assortment, and almost enough beer for everybody. Everyone was having a great time watching the game when, with four minutes to go in the third quarter, Satan got a phone call. He apparently had to explain to yet another tormented soul in his fiery prison just why they had been sent there. Naturally Satan's "ruler of Hell" voice rather outmatched the supwerbowl announcer's "announcer of football" voice, and everyone trying to watch the game was really really upset. Satan just kept talking on the phone, and by the time he got around to the four-hundredth sin of the man on the other end, everyone had left to watch their own TVs. Carl's party was ruined!

The Daily Challenge

Every morning when leaving for work and every evening when returning from work Carl is challenged by his neighbor to a fiddling contest. The prize? A fiddle of solid gold against his soul. Carl liked the music from next door when he looked at the house with the (in retrospect very frightened) broker. Carl no longer likes the fiddle music and is very annoyed because he can only play an accordian. Carl has tried to carpool but people only come to Carl's neighborhood once.

Carl's Poor Yard

When Carl moved in he had the yard resodded and put in a nice flower bed. Somebody in the neighborhood keeps having their dogs (probably HELLHOUNDS) do their buisness in Carls yard during the night. Carl would watch out a window to find out who, but when it gets dark out Carl hides under the covers and stays there until sunrise. Carl misses late night T.V. and having a nice yard.

Easy way out?

Carl doesn't really like his life anymore and has thought about commiting suicide on multiple accounts. Quickly after thinking of this plan he realized that suicide is a sin and he'd be spending the rest of eternity with Satan anyways.