Zeitgeist
“Awful. Always has been, always will be.”
“I can't keep up with it.”
Eh?[edit]
What? You don't know what it is? It's like, what's happening outside man. It's like, look outside your window, turn on your television, go watch a recent film, look at what you're wearing, open your eyes! There it is, it's right in front of you. Even these words you're reading right now. If you want to be the hippest, raddest and downright baddest person you know and impress your social circle then listen up because you've got to follow the zeitgeist like Wile E Coyote after the Roadrunner.
What the heck can I do?[edit]
Aw cool! You want to help form the zeitgeist? Ah man that's awesome! Okay this is what you can do. Get yourself over to myspace and have a browse around in the music section. Find a band that haven't got a record deal, have a name which sounds as if a 14 year old girl who is trying to be pretentious has created it, have haircuts that amuse old people and have little discernible talent. Congratulations, you've just spotted the next big thing! Be sure to talk about them as much as possible with your family, friends and co-workers so that on the off-chance of them actually becoming a success you can coolly say 'Well yeah I was there at the start of Le Robot Houses career so yeah'. The more you talk about them, the more you'll create a buzz.
Buzz[edit]
Aldrin. Ha ha ha ha ha. No, not him. A bee. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Stop it you're killing me. No the kind of buzz I'm talking about is that one that signals the arrival of something new to the zeitgeist. You'll find the buzz anywhere from drinking establishments to school playgrounds to abbatoirs. Bear in mind that the buzz cannot come from someone over the age of 30. If it is liked by someone over the age of 30 they are simply trying too hard. Buzz can usually be created by something as assinine as the keyboard player from a new wave/emo/indie collective changing his hair colour. Be the first to mention this to your family, friends and co-workers. I can't emphasise this enough, being the first one to notice these things and pointing them out will not only make you really, really popular but people will be envious of just how cool you are. Neat huh?
This is not just limited to music mind you. It applies to absolutely everything that young people are interested in and as they're interested in lots of things, you're options are wide open. How can you not be part of the zeitgeist?!
Listen to people you consider to be cooler than you. If they say something crazy like go and buy a stick then get out there and buy a stick! They're right and you're wrong. Maybe you'll be right in a few years but for the time being don't trust your own opinion and rely on others. Don't give up your mask of independence though. If people think you've come up with the idea yourself you'll look so much better and that's the aim right?
Create buzz wherever you see fit. The zeitgeist encompasses all forms of culture so you can't get it wrong! It really is that easy.
Am I doing it right?[edit]
Well see that's the beauty of it. Even if you do drift into uncool waters then it's no biggie. Just claim you're being ironic. You may even get the meaning of the word ironic wrong but who's going to correct you? A professor?! Yeah right, like I'd hang around with one of those squares!
If you do feel unsure find a copy of the NME, open it at a random page and imitate everything about the person whose picture you see. Likewise choose a hot, young movie star whose whole CV is loitered with below average performances in titles such as Fat Camp Summer but that's okay because they're good looking and who doesn't want to look at good looking people?! Their identity is cool so you can steal theirs and be cool too! Easy isn't it?!
Uh-oh, time has passed[edit]
Oh no. Time has passed. This is terrible. This is the worst thing that could happen and you have to act fast. What was considered cool five minutes ago is now the worst thing imaginable. What are you doing just sitting there?! If it's an item of clothing, burn it immediately. Don't even give it to a charity shop, you don't want anyone to know that you once liked what it is you're giving away. If it's a band then hide the CD at the bottom of your pile. They may just come back with another album and be good again so don't do anything drastic but for the time being hide it away and act as though you despise them with all the passion in your cold, black soul. If it's a quote from television then NEVER repeat it again. Imagine shouting 'WASSSSSSSUPPPP!!!!!!' when picking up a phone call, you'll never be allowed back into society again. Hollywood's usually pretty good at getting rid of actors who lost their buzz so don't worry about that.
Everything you loved just a minute ago has to be left behind. I don't care if it was really good and you really liked it, that's not important. What's more important is what those around you such as complete strangers and people who look at your myspace profile think. The culture's changed now and you don't want to be left behind. You have to go love something else or risk looking uncool.
Repeat to fade[edit]
So every so often everything could change. It could last two minutes, it could last five years. Who knows? But if you keep on top of things by updating your haircut every week, a penchant for pushing the esoteric into the mainstream, reading magazines that have articles laid out in a confusing way and huge fashion spreads of overpriced clothes and getting in line for the next Owen Wilson movie then you've got nothing to worry about. You're part of the zeitgeist now so well done. Now get out there and tear culture apart until it rips at the seams then form another one that's just as weak and easy to break for the next generation.