This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
“Badgers are in the Guinness Book of records for being the most "ferocious" animals on the planet”
Badgers are animals too. They're mean ass animals but still animals. Why would anyone want to HATE badgers? If you go down to your local coffee shop, you'll probably find several dozen people who would want to murder you for lynching a badger. Fucking tree huggers.
Why Hate Badgers
The truth is, badgers are smelly. They look like a skunk that fell down some stairs and was beaten severely with an ugly stick. More than once. Secondly, they don't do anything for us except give surgeons a hard-on. Badgers never liked surgeons much either. Badgers mainly hate surgeons because surgeons fix the mess that they make out of your face. On the other hand, surgeons LOVE badgers because it makes their wallet that much fatter. You might still be asking yourself why you should hate badgers. Heres a fucking list:
- They hurt people.
- They bite. Hard.
- They can bite out your eye. No joke.
- They steal food.
- They steal food whilst biting people and giving surgeons something to masturbate to.
- They also are prolific drug addicts. No one likes a druggy.
If this list doesn't make your mouth water at the thought of throwing gas on badgers and lighting them on fire just so you can see them burn then something is wrong with you. You must be some sort of fucking tree hugger. Money says you hang out at that damn coffee shop and listen to beatnicks recite poems all day. A real man would be outside right now looking for a nine-iron to bust open some badger skulls. A REAL man would be outside right now with the biggest truck he has looking for badgers to grind into a splatter platter. The fact that badgers even exist chills most real men to the bone. Why? Because they're fuckin' evil.
Did you know?
If you killed all the badgers in the world, you would get a Confederate Medal of Honor. People would love you more. Surgeons would have to find some other dangerous animal to masturbate to. Jessica Alba would have sex with you. You would get your own TV show. Finally, Jesus would eat a ham sandwich with you.
Did you also know?
Badgers promote sex, violence, drugs, Eminem, gay porn, Communism, Tea Parties, and Extreme Frisby.
Did you also also know?
Badgers aren't just evil, they were created during the middle ages by Satan himself to anally plundered innocent women and Americans. Theres no such thing as a docile badger. They're all evil, and they all have
babies rabies. They all want to gnaw your feet off and scratch your eyes out.
Why hate badgers? Why not? They're fuckin' evil.