Why?:Beat Your Children

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Because the Bible says so

There are several reasons why parents should beat their children. It teaches them to improve, and teaches them humility at the same time. Even the Bible says that parents should beat their children, and you cannot argue with the Bible because its the word of God. The book of Deuteronomy says to go forth and bludgeon thy children with these commandments until they get them through their thick skulls. The book of Proverbs says that sparing the child spoils their attitude, and that the one who beats a fool is blessed indeed, for he shall be victorious many times. Beating children improves their future job prospects, as it teaches them to improve their attitude and actions, and helps them succeed particularly in positions that involve repeated beatings by co-workers and/or the boss. Finally, it teaches young children that they cannot be in control of everything, and life isn't always fair.

Beating Teaches Humility[edit]

If they are not sufficiently humble, how will they learn to work for someone else in order to earn the money they will need to move out from under your roof and live on their own? If they are not sufficiently humble, how will they ever meet a suitable husband or wife - they need to learn to respect others, in order to form good relationships, and beating them helps teach them this respect. If you do not beat them, they will never learn to respect you, and children should always respect and obey their elders. It is always a good idea to tell your children that you do it because you love them.

Beating Improves their future job prospects[edit]

If the children are coddled and spoiled, and allowed to sit around all day, they become lazy adults, with a sense of entitlement that ruins their future job prospects. When a child has been beaten, they try to figure out what they did wrong, and they learn from it, so not to do it again. This is a skill that is very important on the job to avoid getting fired. Avoiding mistakes in the first place helps, and beating your child helps them to avoid mistakes. If your child can stay gainfully employed, they may have a chance of moving out from under your roof in the future instead of continuing to leech off you in your old age.

How to Beat Your Child[edit]

It's pretty natural for a child to cry after it has been beaten. Encouraging it would be a good idea althought it might create mixed emotions to it, something that is not recommended by many psychologists.

Now that I have gone over the reasons to beat your child, you may be asking yourself, "how do I go about beating my child?" Here are some examples:

Johnny, it is time for your beating. Are you ready? Set? 1, 2, 3...GO!..............Hah! I win again! I beat you!

Kevin, it is time for your beating. You know I can play Pacman better than you can. Are you ready? (beep beep boop beep beep boop)....(half hour later) Hah! I win again! I beat you!

Suzie, it is time for your beating. You know I can wash the dishes faster than you can dry them. (half hour later) Hah! I win again! I beat you!

Contrary to popular belief, as illustrated above, there is no need to lay a hand on the child. In each of these cases, a victory dance is optional. Should the child burst into tears, comfort them and suggest that they might win next time, and go over possible areas of improvement with them. They won't win of course, but this will make them feel better.

Beating your children is a fun thing[edit]

Despite all of their parents' attempts to make beating a fun thing, children still keep on complaining.

Just because kids are evil and ungrateful creatures and don't appreciate the goods beating offers them doesn't make it a boring habit. Instead, it combines both the exemplary punishment your child deserves and fun for the both of you. Like I already said, kids' ungratefulness makes it hard for them to enjoy beating and find new ways for having fun, some parents keep on trying to help their children and make them like it. One is using things very familiar things to your kid, like a PlayStation or his favourite baseball bat, or you can dress like one of his favourite heroes or something. Besides, nothing humiliates a child like humiliating him at his favorite game, whether it be football or baseball. Then once the child is humiliated, you will feel better, and the child will be more humble. The more humble the child, the more he will respect you, and mention your greatness to all his friends.


In conclusion, beating your children is not such a bad habit cause it teaches your children virtues that will be important for them in their future life. It also gives a great sense of smug satisfaction in knowing that you are better than your kids, and will always be better than them. However, should you be unable to beat them at Scrabble, you could always bop them over the head with the box. Just be sure to keep them away from your computer, or they might write a better Uncyclopedia article than you.