Wheeling Jesuit University/Groups/Parkhurst

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Parkhurst Toxic Waste Industries, or just Parkhurst for short, is a corporation based in the United States that deals with waste disposal and waste management of the toxic kind. Parkhurst is the company that first pioneered "Project Resurrection", which is the revolutionary method of converting toxic waste into useful raw material.


In the 1950s, properly storing industrial waste material was quickly becoming a problem, as the number of factories in the United States was increasing at an exponential rate. In 1951, William V. Parkhurst decided to help in combating the problem of waste disposal by setting up what was then-known as the Let's Cheerfully Hide Our Toxic Waste programme in Detroit. He called together hundreds of factory owners and asked them to pledge to his method of waste disposal. The Let's Cheerfully Hide Our Toxic Waste programme ended up being incredibly successful and soon became a national phenomenon. He was lauded by environmentalists and was awarded the "You Are Clean" award by President Eisenhower in 1959, the highest award in personal hygiene that can be given to a civilian by the U.S. government. Other nations, including Japan and South Africa, quickly saw the benefit in this method of waste disposal and sought audiences with Parkhurst for the purpose of emulating it.

In 1972, William Parkhurst unfortunately became the 3,287th victim of the Headless Horseman, and his death was mourned by friends and followers worldwide. In his honour, the Let's Cheerfully Hide Our Toxic Waste programme was renamed and was formed into Parkhurst Toxic Waste Industries. It continues to operate worldwide today, although most of its operations are still based in the United States.


The key to the success of William Parkhurst's methods were in the simplicity of their execution. Prior to the Let's Cheerfully Hide Our Toxic Waste programme, ways of disposing of toxic waste were crude and frequently harmful to the environment; haphazard dumping of poisonous substances in rivers, lakes, and the ocean were common, as was burying radioactive substances underground. Parkhurst likened such methods to the burying of our own poisonous emotions and memories deep within us, where they were likely to harm our whole existence.

William Parkhurst was an avid follower of psychology and neuroscience, and was very interested to see that scientists were able to remove a portion of a rat's brain that would compel the hapless creature to gorge itself silly. Parkhurst felt that this method could be employed with regards to disposing of toxic waste, and so, he purchased fifteen cows and performed a similar operation on each of them. Thus, the cows would eat anything in their path, including the barrels and barrels of toxic waste that were conspicuously left out for them. By assigning a herd of altered cows to each factory in the city, Parkhurst was able to reduce toxic dumping by almost 83%.

Project Resurrection[edit]

Despite the company's humanitarian goal, other environmental organisations, most notably PETA, were appalled that Parkhurst employs mutant cows to devour toxic waste until their stomachs burst. Reaching a compromise, Parkhurst Industries unveiled "Project Resurrection", a controversial but largely secret plan that would stop the altering of cow's brains. In a surprise move, Parkhurst also began a catering service for other institutions, especially universities (for example, Carnegie Mellon University and The Benedum Room at Wheeling Jesuit University). It is rumoured that Parkhurst is introducing toxic materials into the food, but this rumour is largely unfounded.