What?:Is Meat?

At least some of this picture is meat.

Meat is the flesh of a dead animal, consumed for food.

Well, actually

...not any animal. I mean, if you eat the flesh of a dead fish, it's not meat. It's fish. And if you eat a spider, well, that's just unappetizing. So it's not meat.

So, let's go with:

Meat is the flesh of a dead mammal, consumed for food. Yes, this includes monkey, kitten, and baby. In fact, every mammal is edible and tastes at least half-way decent with ketchup.

Wait, but chicken is meat. And so are frog legs, I think. And lizards. Lizards? Are they meat? I've heard they taste like chicken, and I'm pretty sure all bird is meat. Okay, then.

The actual definition of meat

Sometimes, meat has claws. Or meat is contained within claws. Maybe I should just say that sometime claw meat has body.

Meat is the flesh of a dead vertebrate that is not a fish, consumed for food.

...except that I'm pretty sure crab is considered meat. Okay. Hold on. Okay. Meat is the flesh of a dead non-fish vertebrate or crustacean, consumed for food.

Is that right? Are all crustaceans meat, or only specifically crabs? And maybe lobsters? Hold on, I have to look this up. Okay. Okay, apparently there are 52,000 species of crustaceans, and they include krill. There's no fucking way that sea monkeys are meat. And what about mollusks? Are clams meat? Is there a such thing as "clam meat"? You always hear about "crab meat," but not "clam meat." I'm pretty sure a clam is a mollusk. Isn't it? Okay. Here we go.

Meat is the flesh of a dead non-fish vertebrate and/or a crab or lobster, and/or, possibly, one or more species of mollusks. The status of cetaceans is unclear, depending on whether you consider dolphins to taste meaty or fishy. Open a pre-1982 can of tuna. Did it taste like fish? Then they're probably fish, for the purposes of determining whether they're meat.

Now that I think about it, though, the animal in question probably doesn't have to be dead. I mean, if you snuck up on a cow, and took a big bite right out of the side of it while it was asleep, that would still be meat, right?

Also, are all non-fish vertebrates meat? Like, is the Thai hog-nosed bat meat? It's smaller than a penny.. so... if you just had a big bag of fried Thai hog-nosed bats, would that be the equivalent of, you know, a small bag of KFC? Or would it be the equivalent of a bag full of spiders?

Conclusion

I have no idea what meat is, but if you don't eat it, fuck you.

See Also

• Corpsearian
• Fish
• Vagina