Welshpool
“In the great words of Hitler, 'There is no greater strength than that within the men of Welshpool.”
The medium sized town of Welshpool (also known as WelshPole) is located near the fabled 'point of no return' (the English border) and as such is one of the last places you can lawfully have sexual intercourse, or marry your favourite sheep before entering the real world.
Origins[edit]
Initially a breeding ground for sheep and humans, Welshpool has one of the oldest sheep markets in Europe. The market was built in 1969 by James Arthur and used to teach those aged between 5 - 75 to both breed and make love to the sheep. Each year the market holds a sheep festival, to commemorate the men and women who lost their lives from the furious kicking they received at the hands of a sheep who wasn't touched in the correct fashion.
The town is named after St Poolwelsh who was an ancestor of Ann Holloway; though did not spend their time wandering around the town knocking on residents doors asking to use their bath tub. It was Poolwelsh's experience of growing up in a town full of sheep-stroking chavs that led to his declaration that "Only when a sheep has been felt up will a man truly see what life has to offer" - unwittingly precipitating the outbreak of World War 1.5 by brutally offending the sensibilities of the Sheep Protection Agency led by Graham Woolfingerer Theep Soucher.
Welshpool has rarely occupied the world stage since - although the Queen did visit in 2010.
Modern Day[edit]
Welshpool now has the largest rate of teenage births in the whole world. Demographics suggest a whopping 103% of females give birth to 2 or more offspring by the age of 14.
Currently Welshpool's population stands at 84% polish, 16% drunk and 5% unknown.
The town is famous for its sheep market, wool production, and thick-cabled wool winter jumpers.
Welshpool 'Co-op carpark' was the only car park in Wales up until late 2011, when Tesco opened a store. The car park was spacious, capable of holding up to 7 Citreon Saxos and another five Ford Fiestas. Since the loss of Co-op in 2012, chavs now use the northern end of Tesco car park, further lessening its capacity by taking three spaces for each car.
Cuisine[edit]
The Smithfield Bell association is the dominant culinary building in Welshpool. Before the building was erected in 1905, inhabitants of the town only ate things that live, grow or are found in hedges - such as pizza boxes, used cigarette butts and empty cans of special brew. Many a drunken chav has woken up after a night in a ditch to find himself erect and lightly gnawed around the ankles.
The local green community run hedgetarian courses at the Workhouse - always ending with the tradtional styrofoam and roadkill barbecue.
Education[edit]
Welshpool is at the high end of the non-racist experimental education policy being introduced by Powys County Council. A benefit of this is that the schools will always be open. Whether there's a snow storm, zombie outbreak or chronic diarrhea. Your child will still have to attend school and will receive up to 60 days overnight detention if they do not.
Climate[edit]
Welshpool is Wales' wettest town, with downpours of up to 18 inches of rain per day. Due to the mass of water it is not uncommon to see a large number of rats and sewage piles within the streets.