Weapons of minor destruction
“In all my days, I have never found anything quite as almost annoying as weapons of minor destruction.”
“Remember, alcohol and calculus don't mix. So be sure never to drink and derive.”
Weapons of minor destruction include any weapons that are specifically meant not to kill on a large scale, but rather disturb, irk, or produce a rather displeasing frown from the destitute on a miniature degree.
History[edit]
Weapons of Minor Destruction (abbr. WmDs) were invented in 1940 during World War 2 when half of the famous Nazi-Soviet double act, Adolf Hitler, found a tick in his moustache while drawing up battle plans. He yelled "Geschlecht ist gut!" (trans. "That's minorly annoying!"). Upon finding the tick, being the intelligent non-paranoid man he was, he immediately called upon his man slaves to tell everyone in the vicinity that the Allies' forces were attacking with weapons of minor destruction, thus the name was born.
Since then, Weapons of Minor Destruction have been used in several instances, such as the Great Pun War of 2004. During this time, Arnold Layne was tragically killed in a pun duel with Jesus. It started badly, with a weak knock-knock joke from Arnold. Jesus brushed this off his shoulder and replied with a powerful "Did you hear about the guy who got his entire left side cut off? He's all right now." Promptly, Arnold Layne shriveled to the size of a peanut and collapsed in on himself. This was classified as minor because, let's face it, nobody really gives a fuck. Note: Arnold Layne always was allergic to the mildly annoying. This was first demonstrated when, during a particularly awesome one-liner in Buffy season one, he collapsed into a seizure and fell out of a four-hundredth story building.
Where to find them[edit]
Weapons of minor destruction can be found wherever an American president says they aren't. If you need to purchase Weapons of minor destruction, you should know that the Pun-master, Tibbles, is the largest holder of WmD's in the world. Also renowned as the second best pun master after the grand master himself, Oscar Wilde, he has the amazing power to shrivel his enemies into peanuts with artfully crafted word plays and general lameness. George Bush denies his existence, which of course only makes him all the more powerful.
How to properly disarm them[edit]
The tried and true way to disarm WmDs are to simply not fall for them. Here are some ways to avoid the most common of them:
- Look down, if someone is trying to preform the banana skin joke, you can simply step to the side.
- If someone comments on how your shirt is dirty, do not look down, instead, find a mirror.
- When someone says the classic line "Knock knock", reply, "Didn't you read the sign? I said no solicitors! Now fuck off!"
- If someone taps you on the shoulder, don't look back, instead, sprint a good 10 yards or so, turn around, and roundhouse kick whom ever tapped you on the back. If you unsure of who tapped you, proceed to knock out everyone within a one mile radius.
- If you happen to find yourself in a "B" horror movie, the best thing to do is panic. And get naked. And trip a lot, for your demise is inevitable.
Types of WmDs[edit]
- Banana peels
- Junk mail
- Stinky socks
- Crabs
- Fingers
- Door bells
- Door knobs
- Pies
- Pop rocks and soda
- Ice cubes
- Unfolded Paper Clips
- The singer "Peter Andre"
- Pillows
- Nerf guns
- Water balloons
- Fake breasts (thrown)
- Potato cannons
- Bad horror movies
- Presidents
- Chinese Finger Traps
- Rubix Cubes
- army of Nazi Grues***
- Garden gnomes**
Note: **Garden gnomes, when fed properly, can be considered Weapons of mass destruction.
Note: ***Nazi Grues, when with their leader (Hitler Grue), is considered a Weapon of Mass Destruction.